Heartbroken

It’s been a few days but I still don’t really want to talk about it. Sirius the Starling has passed away.
When the growth on his belly started, I was preparing myself for the possibility that this could happen, but I did not expect it to get so bad so quickly. 
I’m not going to go into all the details because it would make me cry again. Maybe someday. I feel like I failed him, even though there wasn’t really anything I could do. I don’t think anything that we did caused the problem to start. But we can never know for sure what caused it. The vet said it was probably some kind of tumor.
John and I were crying uncontrollably the first couple days, like lying on the floor sobbing too hard to talk, for half an hour at a time. And everything still feels utterly different without him. There’s no way we’ll get used to this quickly. He was such a part of everything we did. Everything we can possibly do reminds us of him.
Part of me wants another starling to fill the gaping hole, part of me doesn’t ever want a pet again because this could happen and this was so hard to go through.
And part of me realizes that we’re not in a good place in life to adopt another bird right now, since we don’t know when or where we’ll be moving after John graduates, but that once we settle down we will most likely have birds again… because for all the mess and work and eventual heartbreak, birds really are worth it. 
Sirius was a wonderful, brilliant, sweet-hearted creature who loved us both in his own beautiful, weird and devoted way, and he was one of the best things to ever be in my life. 
Over the next few weeks I will be making a tribute page for him on my website, with all the pictures and recordings and descriptions I  have of him. Right now most of this website still looks as if he’s still alive, and it’s going to be hard for me to change that, but I will when I have the energy.

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