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Abby and Norma
from 2006
Older
Comic #000
June 1 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
N: What's wrong, Abby?
A: We're doomed, Norma. In the future they'll find the gene for Asperger's syndrome. They'll be able to test for it in utero, and they'll be able to remove it.
A: In the future, if your parents don't want to raise an Aspie, there'll be four things that can happen to you. You can get aborted, or you can get genetically engineered to be normal, or you can get left to the tender mercies of the adoption system, or you can get raised by parents who don't want to raise an Aspie.
N: Yeah, the present is better than the future, I guess.
A: No, it's no better at all. In the present we just have options three and four. There are no good solutions now either.
N: What do you think would be a good solution?
A: Well, I'm eagerly looking forward to the technology that will allow children to genetically engineer their parents.
Comic #001
June 1 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
A: I actually think the Sally-Ann test probably doesn't give the most accurate results-- it's just too complicated for most kids' minds, whether they're autistic or not.
N: Wait-- what test is that?
A: The Sally-Ann test. You know, you give a kid the scenario where Sally has a box, and Ann has a bag, and they're in a room together, and Sally puts a marble in her box, and leaves the room, and Ann takes the marble out of the box and puts it in her bag, and then Sally comes back, and you ask the kid where Sally thinks the marble is.
N: Wait, could you go over that again?
A: SEE?
Comic #002
June 1 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
A: So let's try the Sally-Ann test on my cousin Sharon and her sister Karen. Okay, guys, this doll is Ann and this doll is Sally.
A: Sally puts her marble in her box, and then she goes away, see?
A: And while Sally's gone, Ann steals Sally's marble out of the box and puts it in her own bag.
A: So when Sally comes back, kids, where will she expect her marble to be?
S: Well, if Ann is Sally's little sister, Sally probably knows to check in Ann's bag first...
K: Hey!
Comic #003
June 1 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
N: So what is this Sally-Ann test supposed to tell us, anyway?
A: It's supposed to test for theory of mind-- the ability to imagine another person's thoughts.
A: If you don't have theory of mind you'll assume that Sally thinks the marble is in the same place you think it is.
N: So a normal person thinks Sally will assume that Ann didn't steal her marble when she got the chance?
A: I guess it could also be seen as a test of optimism and pessimism.
N: Or a test of faith in human virtue.
Comic #004
June 1 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
N: What's antidisestablishmentarianism?
A: It's the opposite of disestablishmentarianism.
N: What's disestablishmentarianism?
A: It's what disestablishmentarians believe in.
N: What are disestablishmentarians?
A: People in favor of disestablishment.
N: What's disestablishment?
A: It's the opposite of establishment.
N: What's--
A: You know that already.
Comic #005
March 29 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
A: I can't stand watching the news.
A: When I see all the horrible violent things people do to each other, it just overwhelms me-- I can't handle it.
A: I watch violent cartoons, and it only desensitizes me to cartoon violence. I watch violent horror movies, and it only desensitizes me to horror movie violence. I play violent video games, and it only desensitizes me to video game violence. What do I have to do to get desensitized to real violence?
N: Watch the news.
A: I was afraid you'd say that.
Comic #006
March 29 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
Radio: And now here's another old favorite from the Beatles: "Maxwell's Silver Hammer."
Radio: Joan was quizzical, studied metaphysical...
Radio: ...Late night all alone with a test tube...
A: WHAT?
A: Metaphysics has nothing to do with test tubes! It's the philosophy of questioning the nature of reality!
A: And if Joan stayed up all night asking, "Is this test tube real?" then she needed to get HIT ON THE HEAD!
N: Just wait until you hear the rest of the song.
Comic #007
March 29 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
Radio: Bang bang Maxwell's silver hammer came down on her head!
Radio: Bang bang Maxwell's silver hammer made sure she was dead!
A: You know, when kids go crazy and shoot everyone in their school, I'm surprised people search their lockers for Marilyn Manson, and not the Beatles.
N: I guess society considers any piece of writing wholesome after it's been around long enough.
Comic #008
March 29 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
A: They say you can't eat just one potato chip. Well, they're wrong. I managed it this morning.
A: In fact, I managed it twenty-five times in quick succession.
A: Want to see me do it again?
N: No.
Comic #009
March 29 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
N: Wow, you've been studying hard, Abby. What are you doing for your big science project?
A: I am attempting to prove that the glucose tablets sold to diabetics don't actually work any better than a placebo.
N: Really? What kind of placebo are you testing them against?
A: A sugar pill.
N: Um, you do know what a glucose tablet is, don't you?
A: EXACTLY!
Comic #010
March 29 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
C: Hi, nerds.
A: Hi, Cathy. Why are you wearing long sleeves? It's the hottest day of the year.
C: You lose weight if you sweat. Didn't you know that, you dweebs?
A: But that weight is only water.
A: After you sweat it off, you'll be all dehydrated, and then you either drink more water and gain the weight back, or die of thirst.
C: So what? I'll be dead of thirst, but at least I'll be thin.
A: I wonder why neurotypicals aren't extinct by now.
Comic #011
March 29 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
A: "Not a sparrow can fall without God knowing."
A: "God has numbered all the hairs on your head."
A: You know, I don't really think of God as a Father... more of a Big Brother.
N: Har har.
Comic #012
March 29 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
Computer: It looks like you're writing a letter! Do you need help? Computer: It looks like you're writing a letter! Do you need help?
Computer: It looks like you're writing a letter! Do you need help?
N: What the heck are you doing?
A: If he bends himself into that stupid little star shape enough times, he's eventually gotta succumb to metal fatigue.
Comic #013
November 4 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mom: Why aren't you dating any boys, Abby? One of these days you should get married and have children, you know.
A: I'm only in college, Mom! And even if I do get married someday, I'm never having children.
Mom: Don't be silly. Nobody can be happy without having children.
A: Don't I know best whether I'd be happy having them?
Mom: You'll change your mind.
A: No I won't. If I ever get the amount of money it takes to raise a kid, I'm going to donate it to save thousands of lives-- not waste it on creating one new life.
Mom: Oh, don't be ridiculous. You would never deprive your mother of grandchildren, would you?
A: You wouldn't like having grandchildren. Nobody wants to feel old. And nothing makes you feel older than having grandchildren.
Mom: Don't I know best whether I want grandchildren?
A: You'll change your mind.
Comic #014
November 4 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
Driver: Hey, could you quit talking on that cell phone? People are trying to ride the bus in peace.
A: Yikes-- hold on a second, Norma.
A: Mr. Bus Driver, I see no reason why I should stop talking on my cell phone. I'm talking quietly and my ring tone was set to vibrate.
A: Logically, while talking on my phone, I was making only half as much noise as two people in the bus having a conversation.
A: Would you tell two people having a quiet conversation on the bus to stop talking?
Driver: Well, people are bothered more by cell phones.
Voice: Hey, could you two tone it down? People are trying to ride the bus in peace!
Comic #015
November 4 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
A: On the twelfth day of flu season my doctor gave to me
Twelve ibuprofen
Eleven Robitussin
Ten Neosporin
Nine Mycitracin
Eight epinephrine
Seven riboflavin
Six penicillin
Five Claritin
Four Tylenol
Three Advil
Two aspirin
And a capsule of vitamin C!
Mom: Well, you're certainly getting into the holiday spirit.
Comic #016
November 4 1:04 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
Some people are offended when you say "Merry Christmas," and some are offended when you say "Happy Holidays."
But I'm not offended by either. I'm grateful to get any kind of friendly greeting at all.
Don't the vast masses of idiots in this world have anything better to do than go around looking for things to take offense at?
Whoa, we've found out what offends Abby.
Comic #017
December 22 2006
TEXT OF COMIC:
Sure, Christmas is overly commercialized. But what bothers me a lot more is how full of social obligations it is.
Getting together for parties and exchanging gifts can be a beautiful expression of the Christmas spirit-- but not if you're just doing it because you're forced into it by stupid social rules.
And yet if people only gave gifts when they truly felt like it, some people would get a lot more gifts than others.
I think Christmas is the celebration of human complexity.
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