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Abby and Norma
from 2008
Comic #095
January 4 2008
I would never date a guy like that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So in the original version of "Snow White," she regained consciousness because the apple got dislodged from her throat?
Yeah. Much more realistic than the kissing version.
Of course, if it happened in real life, the prince would've had to find her within minutes after she ate the apple, or else she'd be dead.
And the idea that he decided to take her back to his palace because she was so beautiful... that wouldn't really work if she'd been choking for the past several minutes.
Unless he was a very weird prince.
Who had a thing for girls with swollen purple faces.
Comic #096
January 7 2008
I'm not even making this stuff up.
TEXT OF COMIC:
But still, there are a lot of fairy tales where a kiss breaks the spell. The Frog Prince...
Actually, in the earliest versions of that story, the spell was broken by throwing the frog against a wall.
What?
The princess grudgingly allowed the frog to eat from her plate and drink from her cup, but when he asked to sleep in her bed, she threw him against a wall, and he turned into a prince.
Wow. Way to reward the princess for being a total jerk.
I think the idea was that she got rewarded for proving her virtue.
A virtuous young lady was supposed to be hospitable, but she was definitely not supposed to let a member of the opposite sex share her bed until she was married.
So frog abuse is better than premarital bed-sharing?
Hey, different times, different morals.
Comic #097
January 11 2008
In the original story, the mermaid did have to give up her voice, but she did it by having her tongue cut out. So kissing wouldn't have been much fun anyway.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What about the kiss in "The Little Mermaid"?
That was invented by Disney, too.
In the original version, when the Sea Witch cast the spell, she explained that the mermaid had to try and get the prince to fall in love with her, but there was no mention of kissing.
And the mermaid failed, anyway. The prince married someone else, and she turned into sea foam. But she got to go to heaven, so it's supposed to be a happy ending anyway.
But a kiss didn't have anything to do with it?
Nope.
I guess kissing isn't as awesome as people say it is.
We may never find out.
Comic #098
January 14 2008
If there is a Head Fairy, I'm not getting any sleep tonight.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby! Sharon and Karen have to go home now!
Okay. Bye, guys. Good night. Sleep tight.
And don't ever sleep with the pillow on top of your head, or the tooth fairy will come and take away all your teeth.
Oh, thanks a lot. Now I'm going to have nightmares about fairy dentists.
And fairy headhunters.
Comic #099
January 18 2008
I guess Abby lives pretty close to where I live.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I almost froze to death on the way to class today. The weather channel said it was five degrees above zero, but it felt way colder than that.
That's because there was a minus-twenty-degree windchill.
If you're deciding what to wear so you won't feel cold, just finding out the temperature is worthless. If there's a minus-twenty windchill, it's going to feel like minus twenty, no matter what the real temperature is.
Sheesh. In the summer, we said, "It isn't the heat that gets me, it's the humidity." Now it's winter, and we have to start saying, "It isn't the cold that gets me, it's the windchill."
Welcome to the Midwest.
Comic #100
January 21 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: hi there! thanks for all the support! buy a t-shirt!
Thanks everyone for reading my comic! I'm really glad to have made it to 100 strips! And there really will be five strips a week from now on. I hope you enjoy them.
I think I'll start adding alt text now, because sometimes I have more to say about the strip than just what I put in the post. From now on, you can hover your cursor on the comic to see more of my comments.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow. Our hundredth strip.
Not technically. It's the strip with the file name "abb100.jpg," but it's not the hundredth.
The file names started with "abb000," not "abb001." Plus there were four strips that were called "abb021b," "abb030b," "abb33b" and "abb38b," because the artist wanted to stick them in between strips she'd already drawn and numbered.
So this one is really number... 105?
Yeah, I think so.
Which one was the hundredth, then? The one where you gave Sharon and Karen nightmares about the tooth fairy?
No, it was one of the ones where we tried to convince ourselves that kissing isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
Who cares. I'm celebrating this one.
Let's celebrate by making Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays just as demented as Mondays and Fridays! From now on, five strips a week!
Cheers!
Hey, your ice cream is bigger than my lollipop. No fair.
Comic #101
January 22 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Here, don't say I never drew any new art for my comics.
Abby is one hundred percent author-insertion in this comic strip. Holy crap but I hate those lights.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate waiting for "Don't Walk" lights to change.
Right now, the light is red for all the cars that could cross our path. It's perfectly safe for us to cross. But the sign says "Don't Walk" because we didn't manage to push the button in time. We have to wait through another whole cycle.
There is no reason for the buttons. The system would work exactly as well-- better, in fact-- if the "Walk" and "Don't Walk" signals changed automatically when the other lights changed. In some cities, they all work that way. But not around here.
Why don't you just cross anyway?
Because I suck at knowing when's the best moment to run.
See, whenever I try it, the same thing happens. All the time I'm waiting, the lights don't change, but as soon as I start to cross, the lights change, the cars start moving, and I almost get run over. That's why I wait for the "Walk" light.
A "Don't Walk" signal has one useful purpose: to let you know how much time you have before it will be unsafe to cross. They blink for a while to warn you. But they would do that just as well if they changed automatically, without the stupid button.
So why don't they? What does this idiotic system say about the mentality of the guy who designed it?
That he hates pedestrians, I guess.
But that's ridiculous! He must be a pedestrian sometimes, too.
Nah, I bet he even has a little car to drive through his yard to get to his car.
Comic #102
January 23 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Sweet irony is better than bitter irony.
I've always loved it when extra-sweet cereals add a bunch of nutrient supplements so that people will think they're health food. It's such twisted logic.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why are you eating that sugary cereal?
Read the box. It's fortified with iron. See? I need my iron.
You could just, you know, eat spinach. Or drink blood. Or something. If it's good enough for Popeye or Dracula, it's good enough for you.
Popeye and Dracula were men. Women need more iron than men. That's why we're called "Fe-males."
That is the nerdiest chemistry pun you've made ever since the one about Quark from Star Trek having a "strange charm."
Women are iron-men! Yay for creative etymology!
Comic #103
January 24 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I want that bumper sticker so bad.
If you don't get this one, read about Wall Drug on Wikipedia. Excerpt: "Many visitors of Wall Drug have erected signs throughout the world announcing the miles to Wall Drug from famous locations." Seems there's even a sign at the South Pole that says it's 9,333 miles from Wall Drug.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My parents are getting a car with a GPS unit in the front of it.
That's cool. But not as cool as my uncle's car.
My uncle's car has a GPS unit on the rear bumper.
What use is that?
He has a Wall Drug bumper sticker with a little LCD screen on it. The screen is connected to the GPS, and the digits on it change depending on how many miles he is from Wall Drug.
You made that up.
Of course I did-- but isn't it an awesome story?
Comic #104
January 25 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Cathy must really be starving herself if she can be so lazy and still stay thin.
I think that if I were that manager, I would be glad to see those guys go.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why didn't you finish stocking the shelves? We didn't make the 12:00 deadline!
I finished my part of it. You were supposed to do the rest.
But you know perfectly well that I had to touch up my makeup! You always finish it while I'm touching up my makeup!
Not any more. I'm on strike.
In the past, the most common complaints in the workplace were about low wages and lousy benefits. Workers have reduced those problems through strikes and unions. Now, the most common workplace complaint is lazy coworkers.
Clearly, employees must now find a way to go on strike against other employees. This is my first attempt. There will be more.
But if we don't get our work done on time, we BOTH get bad scores on our performance review.
That's not what the boss said when I told him what a slacker you are. I won't be surprised if he fires you by tomorrow.
No he won't, because I'll tell him about the Bookstore Workers' Eye Candy Union.
The WHAT?
All the guys who work here have banded together and pledged that if I ever get fired, they'll all quit.
Crap. I'd forgotten that the most common workplace complaint among college-age males is the shortage of underweight Barbie clones to ogle.
Ooo, now your job's in danger. I'm going to tell them you called me that.
Comic #105
January 28 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's kitchen is very, very diminutive. She lives in a dorm.
The "-y" in "Abby" is another example.
In French, "-kin" is a diminutive ending, and "Jankin" is a nickname for Jan, the French equivalent of John. That is why "Jack" is a nickname for John in English. There may be other similar patterns, since Hank is a nickname for Henry and Chuck is a nickname for Charles.
By the way, I kind of like it that Nick is a nickname. That's so meta.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's a diminutive ending?
An ending that you put on a word to mean "little." Like "-ito" in Spanish, or "-chen" in German.
Does English have any?
Sure. The "-let" in "piglet," the "-ling" in "duckling," the "-ie" in "Annie"...
But, come to think of it, English doesn't have any diminutive endings that work quite like the ones in German and Spanish.
For instance, in German, you can add "-chen" or "-lein" on the end of almost any noun, and get the same meaning you'd get by adding "little" before the noun in English. Same with "-ito" and "-ita" in Spanish.
But in English, the only diminutive ending that can be freely added onto nouns is "-ie," and that doesn't exactly mean "little," it just means you're talking in a cutesy way.
And other diminutives, like "-let" and "-ling," are fixed onto certain words, like "piglet" and "duckling," and you can't just add them onto any word you want.
It's twelve o'clockie. I'm going to go have a lunchlet in your kitchenling.
Way to challenge the established order, Sharonita.
Comic #106
January 29 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'Soot tattoos' is a palindrome.
Apparently this is actually a pretty common tattoo to get, even among people who would never think of the Star Trek meaning of "live long and prosper."
However, I strongly advise against getting tattoos in a language you don't know-- not without doing a lot of research. There are people with tattoos that they think mean something profound like "eternal love" or "good fortune," but they really mean "kiwi fruit" or something. Languages like Chinese have thousands of characters, many of which look really similar, and tattoo artists can make mistakes. So don't be stupid.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Becky in sociology class just got a tattoo. She was announcing it to the whole classroom this morning before the professor got there.
A tattoo? Where? And what?
She said it was on her "lower back," but we didn't get to see it. It was low enough that she would have had to pull her pants down to show us. According to her, it's a tattoo of the Chinese characters for "long life" and "prosperity."
So she has "live long and prosper" tattooed on her butt in Chinese.
Well, she didn't like it when I described it that way.
Comic #107
January 30 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I wish I could, Cathy.
Actually, the world is flat in another sense too-- because the world is mostly oceans, and the oceans are not carbonated.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I bought these beautiful new shoes that cost, like, fifty-nine dollars, and then I was walking to the auditorium with Becky when she pointed and said "look at that cute guy," and I turned around to look, and I tripped and scuffed my shoe! I almost killed her. The guy wasn't even that cute.
Is that the kind of story that most people find interesting?
What?
Is that an anecdote that would cause a normal human being to burst into tears of sympathy or exclamations of rage? Is that kind of shallow idiocy the average college student's idea of an enthralling tale?
Do you know that people used to think the world was flat?
Yes, I know that.
Well, they were right. The world is flat. "Flat" in the sense of BORING.
If you don't like this planet, you're welcome to go back to your own.
Comic #108
January 31 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I doubt we really know what's good and evil even now. Not for sure, anyway.
It doesn't matter, because snakes managed to circumvent the punishment somehow. God cursed them with going on their bellies and eating dust all their days, and having eternal enmity with woman and her seed. But snakes do not eat dust; they eat rodents, mostly. And as for eternal enmity, I know both women and men who have happy friendships with their pet snakes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The creation story in the Bible has always puzzled me.
First, God creates humans in his image. Except they're not really in his image, because when he creates them, they don't have a sense of ethics. They don't know the difference between good and evil.
And God doesn't want them to know. There's a fruit they could eat in order to gain that knowledge, but he doesn't want them to eat it, because then they would "be like God, knowing good and evil." He doesn't actually WANT humans to be in his image. He orders them not to eat it.
But, since they have no knowledge of good and evil, they obviously have no way of knowing it's wrong to disobey God. So they eat it, and he kicks them out of Eden and makes them and all their descendants work hard and endure all the suffering of life.
Then the rest of the Bible is devoted to teaching us the difference between good and evil-- which we supposedly already know, and were not meant to know.
Obviously we were not meant to try and interpret that story, either.
And God punished all snakes just because of what that one snake did! That wasn't even a real snake! Real snakes don't speak Hebrew!
Comic #109
February 1 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually, that's the only smile I ever paste onto Abby.
Abby seldom makes fun of anyone's politics. She prefers just to make puns on their names. I don't think she does that because it's less personal-- I think she does it because it annoys Norma more.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, some people would be offended by your little rant about the Book of Genesis. Jerry Falwell is probably spinning in his grave.
I don't like Jerry Falwell. I especially don't like him in Spanish.
You're smiling the way you do when you've just made a horrible pun. But I don't get it.
In Spanish, if you want to say you don't like someone, you can say "no me gusta," but that has more of a physical connotation, so a lot of people say "no me cae bien."
That comes from "caer," meaning "to fall," and "bien," meaning "well." When you say "I don't like him" in Spanish, you're literally saying "He doesn't fall well to me." I was making a pun on Falwell's name.
You've got to stop telling inside jokes where you're the only one on the inside.
But it's fuuuun!
Comic #110
February 4 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: No guy is nerdy enough for you. That's a compliment.
I often made the mistake of going to school dances because I thought it would be fun. I don't recommend it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I heard the Valentine's Day dance is coming up soon. I think I'll go.
Wait-- you're going to a dance?
You can't be serious. You hate dancing. You hate beer. You hate social interaction. And no guy in this whole college is nerdy enough to be your date.
But I've never been to a school dance before. I'm just curious. It might be fun.
Who are you, and what have you done with the real Abby?
Comic #111
February 5 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Okay, something only Abby AND I could know.
Well, we do know from last Halloween that a very good Abby disguise exists. Maybe.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's wrong, Norma? I mentioned that I was going to a school dance, and all of a sudden you're doubting my identity!
Get away from me! You're not really Abby. Abby would never go to a dance! You're someone else in disguise. Where's my best friend?
Norma, you've got to calm down.
That's right. Calm. Deep breaths. Okay, how do I handle this? I've got it. I'll ask you a question that only Abby could know the answer to.
If only Abby could know the answer, how will YOU know if my answer is right?
Okay, NOW I believe you're Abby.
Nobody's got logic skills like mine.
Comic #112
February 6 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Chewbacca and C3PO as dates at a college dance. I want to see that.
They talked me out of wearing an alien costume to my senior prom. I wore it on my honeymoon instead, about six years later. It looked kind of like a Twi'lek.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I still don't understand why you're going to a Valentine's Day dance.
To do a scientific study observing the reactions of typical college students to the behavior of an atypical college student.
You already know how typical students react to atypical students.
I don't yet know how they react when the atypical student is dancing in a pink-and-red-decorated school gym while wearing a Chewbacca costume.
Ahh! Now I get it. Can I go with you?
Only if you dress up as C3PO.
Comic #113
February 7 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: There actually is one guy who doesn't mind language nitpicking, but he's mine.
Can it be described as "extramarital sex," because it is outside of any marriage? Or does there have to be a specific marriage for it to be outside of? And is there such a thing as "post-marital sex"? Maybe if you're divorced or widowed...
TEXT OF COMIC:
Sometimes I wish everyone didn't ignore me.
Yeah, but think about what it takes to be popular at this school. A life of abysmal grades, obsessive dieting, exorbitantly priced clothes, clown-like makeup, and rampant premarital sex.
Actually, I think I'm incapable of having premarital sex.
Why?
"Premarital" means "before marriage." If you're never going to get married, then none of the sex you have can be "premarital," because there is no marriage for it to precede.
Hmm. I never though of it that way. But why do you think you're never going to get married?
Because guys can't stand women who nitpick language like that.
That's true. Come to think of it, maybe sex is out of the question for you, as well.
Comic #114
February 8 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'm surprised their mother still lets them talk to Abby.
Anyone who would force her kids to come to a Home Decorating Show should be prohibited from having kids. There is such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it does not apply to Home Decorating Shows.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's a self-fulfilling prophecy, Karen?
Huh?
Mom wanted me to come along to the Home Decorating Show with her. I said it sounded boring as crap, but she insisted I'd like it, and dragged me along. Afterwards, I told her I was right, it WAS boring as crap. She said that was my fault, because it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Oh, that. Sharon, a "self-fulfilling prophecy" is a concept that adults invented so that they would never have to admit to being wrong.
Suppose you don't want to do something, and they tell you that you'll like it. If you turn out to like it, they'll say, "Told you so. You were wrong." And if you don't like it, they'll say "It's your fault. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy."
It's heads they win, tails we lose. Obviously it's a trick. When something is that ridiculously convenient for somebody, it's suspicious. But most kids fall for it, and that's why parents all over the nation keep using it.
That and the fact that it sounds impressively intellectual. Our mother, for instance, doesn't even know what the words "self-fulfilling" and "prophecy" mean, but she's addicted to the phrase because it makes her sound smart.
Wow, you know a lot. How'd you get so smart with her for a mother?
What we lack in parents, we've made up for in cousins.
Comic #115
February 11 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Maybe Abby sang and pretended as a kid, but I doubt she really played sports.
In Korea, the popular idols are video game players. Maybe Abby would feel more at home there.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you going to that big music festival this weekend? A lot of famous bands are going to be there.
Who gives a crap?
In a society where the vast majority of people work long hours at jobs they hate and earn barely enough money, I don't see why we idolize singers, actors and sports players-- people who get paid millions of dollars a week to do things that we all did for fun when we were kids.
We should hate their guts. We should revolt against them, just as the starving poor of any nation revolt against the obscenely rich, insatiably greedy ruling class.
You know, I'm probably going to hate myself for saying this, but you're pretty eloquent for someone so socially inept.
Such is the power of nerddom, Cathy. That's how nerds will conquer the world. Someday you, too, will join us. You can run, but you can't hide.
I mean, you can hide, but you can't run. I mean, you can't run or hide.
Or rather, you can either run or hide, but it won't do you any good, because if you hide, we'll catch you, and if you run, we'll find you.
I mean, the other way around. I mean...
I take it back. You're not eloquent at all.
Comic #116
February 12 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I watch my parrot. It's fun. He likes the attention.
Sparrows don't much mind being watched. But it gets boring when they're the only thing in your yard all day. I wish there were a good way to have a birdfeeder that won't get absolutely overrun with sparrows.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, you like nature so much, I'm surprised you don't go outside more. I would have expected someone like you to be a birdwatcher or something.
Birdwatching is a strange pastime.
The people who do it tend to like birds and want them to be happy-- so they constantly have to work around the fact that birds actively dislike being watched.
If birds see you watching them, they get scared and fly away. So birdwatching is done in secret, with blinds and binoculars, always trying to convince the birds that you're not really there watching them.
I can't live such a life of dishonesty. I'd rather just sit at home and read about birds.
But if there were no birdwatchers, you'd have nothing to read.
Well, of course. But I prefer to leave that kind of work to people who are good at it.
Comic #117
February 13 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: She's not like Cathy. Cathy will buy 59-dollar shoes, as seen in strip 107.
If she'll buy shoes costing twenty-nine dollars, there's no reason she wouldn't buy shoes that cost twenty-nine dollars and one cent. And what about twenty-nine dollars and two cents? It's the paradox of the heap, as mentioned in strip 52. Logically, she must have no limit on shoe purchase prices.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I noticed you got some new shoes.
Yeah. They were on sale for twenty bucks. Otherwise I wouldn't have bought them.
I never buy shoes that cost more than twenty-nine dollars. I've had bad experiences with expensive shoes.
Wait-- you mean expensive shoes hurt your feet more than cheap ones?
No. 70% of all shoes end up hurting my feet within a month, regardless of price. But if they're expensive, I end up having wasted more money if they turn out to hurt me.
You know how they say you shouldn't judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes? Well, you can't judge a pair of shoes until you've walked a mile in them, either.
Wow. That's deep.
And they never let you DO that before buying them!
Comic #118
February 14 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: My brother is this nerdy.
Looks as if we're meeting a new character. This should be interesting.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Abby!
Do I know you?
I'm in your sociology class. I just wanted to say I loved your comment on Becky's tattoo the other day. The look on her face will be in my "Embarrassed Socialites Hall of Fame" for the rest of my life.
Ah, yes. Never get a tattoo of random Chinese characters-- they might turn out to be a quote from Star Trek.
Yeah. Not that I like Star Trek, mind you. It's got too much inaccurate science for my tastes.
Wow-- you're TOO nerdy for Star Trek? I like you already.
I also don't wear a calculator watch. REAL nerds can do math in their heads.
Comic #119
February 15 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Should have known he was too good to be true.
I read those magazines sometimes in the break room at work. By the time they end up there, of course, they're a couple months old, so all the relationships they talk about have already ended.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, Abby's finally getting some attention from a guy!
Hey, don't get me wrong. I don't want a girlfriend. Romantic relationships are a distraction from the important things in life-- computer programming and reading Slashdot.
Sometimes I wish I were that much of a nerd. Total lack of interest in romance would be convenient for someone like me.
If you want to lose interest in romance, try reading one of those magazines about celebrity couples.
Comic #120
February 18 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Miscellaneous categories, junk drawers and PDD-NOS are all such weird concepts.
I don't know if the average person on the autism spectrum would classify "neurotypical" as a "semi-derogatory" term, but I've noticed it's very often used that way. (I use it too, but only when I am around the kind of people who already know what it means.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you don't have any sex drive at all?
NT's have sex drives. It causes them nothing but problems. I am grateful every day that I'm not an NT.
What are "NT's"?
Neurotypicals. It's a semi-derogatory term for normal people, often used by those on the autism spectrum.
So are you on the autism spectrum?
Sort of. My diagnosis is PDD-NOS.
Ah, yes. The "miscellaneous" category.
It's where they put you if they've decided that you're on the autism spectrum, but none of the specific autism labels apply to you.
I can't help thinking outside the box. Medical science has placed my very IDENTITY outside the box.
Or at least in a box that only contains things that don't fit in any other boxes.
Comic #121
February 19 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: https://www.sharingandcaringhands.org/
Trust me, that pun was not the only reason he is named Hans. Stay tuned for the next strip.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So what's your name, anyway?
It's a stupid name.
Come on, what is it?
Okay, okay... It's "Hans."
Oh, wow! I have got to introduce you to my cousins Sharon and Karen!
I told you, I don't want a girlfriend.
No, no, not a girlfriend-- they're only seven years old. But think of it! "Sharon and Karen and Hans!"
Oh, great. I've befriended a pun geek.
Comic #122
February 20 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It would be cool if Hans turned out to be the child of space aliens.
See? In this fine comic, no name is ever chosen just for the sake of a pun. Even Sharon and Karen's names have a meaning-- namely, that their mother is the kind of annoying person who would give twin daughters cutesy matching names.
And now I suppose you're going to start arguing that Abby and Norma themselves were named solely because their names sound like "abnormal," and are therefore a counterexample to my claim. To that, all I can say is, in the immortal words of Strong Bad, "Gotta go. I think I left a... food... in the oven."
TEXT OF COMIC:
So, Hans, are your parents German?
No. They named me after Hans Asperger.
Wow, and they didn't even know you would be on the autism spectrum!
No, but they wanted me to be.
Your parents sound awesome! I have Asperger's Syndrome, and my mom always just finds me annoying because I'm not normal enough.
My parents wanted me to have Asperger's. They were disappointed when all I could get was a PDD-NOS diagnosis. I've never satisfied them. I'm too normal.
YOU'RE too normal for them? They must be freaking SPACE ALIENS!
You have no idea.
Comic #123
February 21 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Strip #50 does not apply to Hans. Stories about him have no implied sex.
After writing the last strip, I was stumped for a while as to exactly how anyone could consider Hans "too normal," and I finally came up with this.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So what exactly do your parents think is "too normal" about you?
Well, I chat online with other computer programmers, and sometimes I play role-playing games.
My parents don't want me to have friends. They believe that all life's problems are caused by people interacting with each other.
So how did they get together in the first place?
They got together with the object of combining their genes and creating a person who'd be as antisocial as them. They believe the only way to save humanity is to eliminate social interaction by breeding us selectively until we're a solitary species, like tigers and owls.
Yikes. Getting married must have been a big sacrifice for them.
Not really. They live in separate houses. I was conceived through artificial insemination.
Wow. A virgin birth.
Yeah, and with the goal of saving the world. You can see why there's so much pressure on me.
Comic #124
February 22 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Explains why we've never seen Abby's dad.
If people didn't exist, life would still have problems, but only for other species. (And probably other species would have fewer problems if humans were gone.)
Humans would only have one problem: that pesky little thing about not existing.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hans, it sounds as if your parents aren't autistic, they're just crazy and angry at the world.
But even so, they should have known that a kid on the autism spectrum wouldn't necessarily agree with their insane ideas.
Yeah. I've tried to distance myself from them since I started college.
So what are your parents like?
My mom met my dad in high school, when he was the most popular guy on the football team. After they graduated, she married him with the sole purpose of impressing her friends.
For sixteen years she managed to keep him from divorcing her by threatening to show HIS friends some pictures of him doing some really obscene stuff while drunk at a party. But finally he got fed up, dumped her and all his friends, and moved to Alaska.
So, I guess, in their case, all life's problems WERE caused by social interaction.
Well, same for most people. But you could also say all life's problems are caused by people existing. Doesn't mean we should all disappear.
Comic #125
February 25 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Poor Norma.
Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So, Norma, do you have crazy parents too?
My parents are a happily married middle-class couple, with no psychological diagnoses and no unusual opinions. They work in offices, go to church on Sunday, play cards, and have friends over for dinner on a weekly basis.
Man, your family's MESSED UP.
We can't hang out with the spawn of weirdos like that.
Har.
Comic #126
February 26 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Karen knows from experience.
I kinda feel sorry for Hans. Tech support sucks, because with all its requisite politeness toward angry and clueless neurotypicals, it is the most traumatic possible job for a nerd. And yet only nerds can do it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
...So, whereas Norma and I are both going to college with our parents' help, Hans is paying his own way through college because his parents don't approve of him living on a crowded campus and going to classes with several other people in the same room.
He works in tech support and writes shareware programs on the side. He's actually making a fairly decent living.
I'm kind of depressed now, because a guy who grew up in the most disturbing family I've ever heard of is actually more independent and self-sufficient than I am.
The worse your parents are, the more motivation you have to become independent.
Comic #127
February 27 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: What would a low-carb diet do to your guts?
Basically, she's asking, how many feelings can be gut feelings?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Today Cathy told me I should go on a low-carb diet to lose weight. I told her she was full of crap.
Cathy is so mean. I hate her guts.
It's weird. You can say "I hate her guts," but you can't say "I love her guts," "I'm afraid of her guts," or "I admire her guts." Hate is the only emotion for which that idiom works.
I guess there's a limit to how many emotions can actually apply to guts.
Actually, I think I do hate everyone's guts. Guts are gross. They're more full of crap than Cathy.
Comic #128
February 28 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Winning on a technicality is like a fake diamond. Sparkly, but unsatisfying.
Can this be considered a fan comic for Thinkin' Lincoln?
TEXT OF COMIC:
The logic you use is unreal, Abby. You can argue for the craziest thing and make it sound reasonable.
I bet you could even find a logical argument in favor of slavery.
Could not.
Could too! Here, let's pretend you're George Washington and I'm asking you why you kept slaves.
Okay.
I was really, really nice to my slaves. I kept them so they wouldn't end up with mean slave-owners who would treat them badly. I was to slavery what Schindler was to concentration camps.
Wait-- how do you know who Schindler was? You died over a hundred years before he was born.
Okay, you're right. You blew my cover. I'm not really Washington, I'm just a college student pretending to be Washington.
See? You win.
Only on a technicality.
Comic #129
February 29 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Thinly veiled reference to when I didn't get to wear my alien suit to the prom.
I once invented a whole system of romantic geometry. Love triangles, quadrilaterals, pentagons and so on. I even came up with mathematical-sounding terminology to indicate how many of the lines between vertices in a figure actually represented romances, whether they were heterosexual, whether they were monogamous, etc.
Then I got bogged down somewhere in the middle of three-dimensional geometry (where I added the dimension of time and pictured it like the third spatial dimension: if A loves B and B loves C, but A used to love C and C used to love B, that's a love triangular prism).
I haven't gone back to it in a long time. And I certainly don't plan to do something similar for hate geometry.
TEXT OF COMIC:
That's Abby, the geek who convinced the college president that the science club deserved more funding than the fashion club. We've never recovered from that devastating attack.
You think you have a monopoly on having your life ruined by Abby! I was in English 211 with her. She sucked up to the professor so much and got such ridiculously high scores on everything, he nearly failed the rest of us. Your measly fashion club is nothing compared to that.
I can't believe that you dare to think she has inflicted more suffering on you than on me! I was in high school with her! My sacred prom experience was absolutely wrecked by her presence in a gorilla suit! Can you beat that, you shallow, self-absorbed twit?
I'm in the middle of a hate triangle.
YOU'VE RUINED OUR FRIENDSHIP! WE CAN'T STAND YOU!
Comic #130
March 3 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think I'll market an empty box as 'Skim Butter.'
I've already seen 2% milk marketed as having "37% less fat than whole milk."
If you don't think about it carefully, that could lead you to think that whole milk is 39% fat... but really, what it means is that the difference between the fat percentage in whole milk and the fat percentage in 2% milk is 37% of the fat percentage in whole milk .
Except that doesn't actually work, because 3.7% - 2% = 1.7% = 0.017, and 37% of 3.7% is 0.37 x 0.037 = 0.01369, and 0.01369 is not equal to 0.017. So I think their math is off.
TEXT OF COMIC:
People talk about 1 percent and 2 percent milk as if they had a lot less fat than whole milk. Nobody seems to know that whole milk is only 3.7 percent fat.
You realize what this means, don't you?
It means that sooner or later, someone is going to start marketing whole milk as "96.3% Fat Free Milk."
And the scary thing is, they'll probably get away with it.
Comic #131
March 4 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I used to have a purse like Abby's. Then my back started hurting. A lot.
Finally tote bags for men are becoming popular, and women can get a little peace.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I scraped my finger while fixing my computer this morning. Now it feels like it's getting infected.
Here, have a Band-Aid.
I've also got disinfectant and antibiotics.
What all do you carry in that giant purse?
Well, the first-aid kit is an Altoids box containing several assorted Band-Aids, a couple disinfecting wipes, a small tube of antibiotic ointment, a few aspirin, a little pair of tweezers, and a cotton ball.
Then I have my wallet, my palmtop, my cell phone, my feminine supplies, my medication, some pens and note paper, some AA and AAA batteries, a mini folding umbrella, a mini folding cloth shopping bag, a mini flashlight, some clip-on sunglasses, some Kleenex, some hand lotion, and a Swiss Army knife.
Holy crap. Why? Do you live every day in constant fear of being stranded on a desert island?
Hey, you're the one who needed a Band-Aid.
You'll also turn to me when you're soaking in the rain,
when you're stumbling in the dark, when you're
squinting in the sun, when you have to write down a
phone number, when your camera battery dies, when
your grocery bag rips, when your nose runs, when your
hands are dry, and when you have to cut a box open.
Men have an obsession with seeming independent and self-sufficient, but they ruin it completely by refusing to carry purses. When you've got nothing but what will fit in your pockets, you're doomed to a life of asking women for help.
Geez. Ask a simple question, and I get a tirade of gender stereotypes.
I can't believe it's the BOY Scouts whose motto is "Be Prepared."
Comic #132
March 5 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: does the same rule apply to butt cheeks?
Cathy only stopped because she ran out of cheeks to hit.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Chrissy, what happened to you?
I was telling Cathy how her promiscuity is making God cry, and she slapped me.
She slapped you? You should tell a professor. She could get in big trouble.
I can't do that. The Bible says that when someone hits you on one cheek, you should turn the other cheek toward them. That means you don't hit back, and you don't complain, and you don't run away, and you don't try to get them in trouble. You just peacefully stand there and offer to let them hit you again.
That would explain why BOTH your cheeks are bruised.
Please don't make fun of me. It's hard enough already to do God's will.
Comic #133
March 6 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Thing is, every religion says that about itself. How do people choose?
I've always been amused by the phrase "linear thinker" and its use in a negative sense. When you think about it, it seems the alternatives are worse.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So Cathy slapped the side of your face, and you just stood there and invited her to slap the other side too.
Yes. I was trying to live by the Bible.
Why do you think everything in the Bible is literally true?
Because the Bible says so.
And you don't see any logical flaw in that reasoning?
Only a linear thinker like you would see a flaw.
So what are you? A circular thinker?
You say it as if it's something bad.
Comic #134
March 7 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: god, I hate it when people use the word 'literally' figuratively.
You know the passage, "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" My husband used to think that was meant literally. But it wasn't because he was a fundamentalist believer. It was because he's autistic. (It confused the heck out of him.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you think the whole Bible is literally true.
Of course.
What about that bit in the Song of Solomon where it says "Your eyes are doves?" Was the narrator actually saying that his girlfriend had birds instead of eyeballs?
The Song of Solomon isn't really a love song between two humans. It's a metaphor for Christ's love for the Church.
It's a metaphor? And yet it's still literally true?
Of course.
Methinks someone is a bit hazy on the meaning of the word "literal."
You're literally shooting yourself in the foot with weak arguments like that.
Comic #135
March 10 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: makes more sense!
Actually, sometimes it's too bad that courts don't take the writers' intention into account when interpreting the Constitution. It kind of ruined copyright law.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Chrissy, I don't think God meant for you to let Cathy slap you twice.
Maybe "turn the other cheek" means that if she hits you, you should turn the other cheek toward her to make sure that she doesn't hit the cheek she already hit-- because that would hurt a lot more.
But then, with your injured cheek safely turned away, you should back off and leave the room, avoiding a second blow if at all possible. And then you should tell the authorities.
You really think that's what he meant?
Well, it's just as literal as the other interpretation,
and it fits real life better. I don't know about
interpreting the Bible, but that's all that the courts
consider when interpreting the Constitution.
Comic #136
March 11 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Poor naive Abby.
My mom once bought postage stamps that had pictures of different insects on them, and she joked about sending the President a letter with the "Assassin Beetle" stamp. Good thing she didn't. Presidents are awfully paranoid. Everything is a potential threat.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think it would be funny to walk up to the President and say "I know where you live."
Why would that be funny?
Because it sounds like a threat, but it obviously isn't one-- because everybody in the nation knows where the President lives, and that's no danger to him at all, because he's got, like, eighty levels of Secret Service agents guarding his house.
All of whom would pounce on you instantly if you ever said anything like that to the President.
No they wouldn't! They would understand it was just a joke!
Comic #137
March 12 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I don't think we've ever seen Cathy produce a genuine laugh.
Either Cathy has a touch of social ineptness herself, or she just doesn't care about being tactful when talking to nerds.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know why you're so fat? Because you're a nerd. You just sit and surf the Internet all day and eat doughnuts.
I don't appreciate that comment. There's a difference between "fat" and "not dangerously underweight." And I don't spend ALL my time on the Internet. I spend some of it doing homework, unlike you.
Oh, don't be all nasty. I was just joking. Why can't people like you learn to laugh at themselves?
I do laugh at myself. I laugh at myself a lot.
But you're saying, "I believe people should laugh at themselves, therefore you should put up with me ridiculing you." That's like saying, "I believe people should practice charity and selfless giving, therefore you should put up with me stealing all your money."
Ha, ha.
See, now you're learning to laugh at yourself. Good for you.
Comic #138
March 13 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Neither did I.
Who died on Good Friday? We all dye on Good Friday. It is a good day to dye.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Easter is always on a Sunday, right?
Yeah.
So is it always the fourth Sunday in March?
No. It's not even always in March. Usually it's in April.
The most common way of explaining the date of Easter is to say that it's the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox. But it's actually more complicated than that, because it doesn't go by actual astronomical full moons.
It goes by ecclesiastical full moons-- the old system that was used before people fully understood the moon's cycle. So every once in a while there's a year when Easter isn't actually the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox. For example, it happened in 1954 and 1962.
Remember when you explained leap years to me? This is even crazier.
Don't blame me. I didn't invent this either.
Comic #139
March 14 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Don't encourage her, Abby.
Don't encourage her, Sharon.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's the difference between "the letter of the law" and "the spirit of the law"?
If a sign said "You must wear shoes and a shirt," and you wore shoes and a shirt but no pants, you would be following the letter of the law but not the spirit.
But if a sign said "You must wear shoes and a shirt," and you wore a dress and boots, you would be following the spirit of the law but not the letter.
So I'd get in trouble in either case?
No, you'd only get in trouble in the first case. The spirit is more important than the letter.
That's an uncharacteristic statement for someone who loves language and hates alcohol.
Ooh, nice one.
Comic #140
March 17 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Wonder how this works in species with only one gender.
If your parents were second cousins, you'd have only fourteen great-great-grandparents. If your parents were first cousins, you'd have only six great-grandparents. If your parents were siblings, you'd have only two grandparents. If your parents were the same person, you'd have... only one parent.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why should I wear green for St. Patrick's Day? I'm only, like, one-third Irish.
You can't be one-third something, Norma. You can only be fractions where the denominator is a power of two. Like one-quarter, or one-eighth, or one-sixteenth.
That's because you have four grandparents, and eight great-grandparents, and sixteen great-great-grandparents, and so on. It goes in powers of two.
Wait-- so there aren't any powers of two that are multiples of three?
No, there aren't.
Well, actually, Hans, it IS possible to be one-third something. If your parents were first cousins, you'd have only six great-grandparents: your mother's grandparents, your father's grandparents, and the grandparents they shared. And if two of those six were Irish, you would, in fact, be one-third Irish.
Well, if my parents ARE first cousins, I'm the last to know.
Hey, I'm just trying to be a good friend to you and defend your bad math. Take it or leave it.
Comic #141
March 18 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Would depend how many times he x-rayed her lungs.
The 2007 Superman movie is not the one I'm talking about. It was one of the really early ones. The 2007 movie made a similar mention, apparently an homage to the older movie, but it wasn't the same.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you thinking about, Abby?
Deep thoughts.
I'm thinking about that one Superman movie with the scene where Lois Lane is smoking a cigarette, and Superman looks at her lungs with his X-ray vision and tells her she should stop.
I was just thinking... if Lois Lane got lung cancer in her old age, she'd never know if it was from the cigarettes...
...or from all the X-ray radiation she got from Superman. Wow. That is a deep thought.
Comic #142
March 19 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Ooh, look, we have another new character.
Bonus points if you can guess correctly why Ron is giving Norma the silent treatment. All the clues are there.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi. What's your name?
Norma, I am Ron.
Well, hi, Ron. Do I know you from someplace?
I don't remember seeing you in any of my classes. What's your last name?
How do you know my name? Why did you come and sit next to me just now?
Great. Abby at least got some attention from a guy who's interested in a platonic friendship. I get attention from a guy for once, and he won't go any further than introducing himself.
Comic #143
March 20 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if you don't know what a palindrome is, you shouldn't be reading my comic
I guess it says a lot about Abby that she tried to get him to say a long weird palindrome like "Liver anime seminar? Evil!" instead of a simpler, more obvious one like "mom" or "poop" or "racecar" or "Able was I ere I saw Elba."
And yes, I am making up Ron's palindromes as I go along. He's going to be a fun character to write.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So this is Ron, the guy who introduced himself to you and then wouldn't talk any more?
Yeah. He just said, "Norma, I am Ron," and then clammed up.
Hmm. I think I might be able to get him to talk. Let me try.
Hi, Ron. Did you go to the anime convention this year?
I went to it. My favorite part was the big seminar on animation and voice acting. They even served food at it. But I didn't like that part, because all the food had liver in it.
Liver anime seminar? Evil!
My God, I was right! He can only speak in palindromes!
Comic #144
March 21 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Looks like Ron is a language geek too. Abby has a new special friend.
Even though I've never really studied Arabic, I have often thought it would be a great language to make palindromes in, because there are so many Arabic-sounding combinations of letters that look like other Arabic-sounding combinations of letters when spelled backwards.
It would only work if you spelled the Arabic words out in this alphabet, though. I have no idea whether palindromes would work well in the Arabic alphabet.
Japanese letters represent syllables instead of individual sounds, so palindromes in Japanese go syllable-by-syllable, like "baka kaba."
You can also make palindromes word-by-word instead of letter-by-letter:
King, are you glad you are king?
You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
(I didn't make those ones up-- I read them in a book long ago. I wish they were mine.)
But I'm rambling. I should shut up.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's pretty neat having a friend like Ron. Sure, he only speaks in palindromes, but he's really, really good at it.
I bet he can give you a palindrome starting with any letter of the alphabet. Go ahead, pick one.
All right. J.
Jar Raj.
Well... it doesn't make any sense, but at least they're both real words. How about X?
Xanax.
Oh. Duh. Should have seen that coming. Okay, smart guy-- try Q.
Qarif Iraq.
That makes no sense AND it's not in English.
Sue us.
Comic #145
March 24 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If you can think of any others, let me know.
Actually, Queer as Folk's website doesn't even have an FAQ.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think it's impossible to make a palindrome with a Q in it.
Really?
Well, at least in English.
In English, a Q is always followed by a U. But there are very few words in which a U is followed by a Q. The only one I can think of is "bouquet." And if you made a palindrome with the word "bouquet" in it, it would also have to contain the series of letters "teuquob," which doesn't mean anything.
Well, you could try to work in a word beginning with Q after a word ending with U. I don't think spaces between words matter in palindromes.
That's true.
But there are very few words ending with U, and none of them work, as far as I can tell. For instance, a palindrome containing "guru queen" or "you quit" would also have to contain "neeuqurug" or "tiuquoy." I haven't been able to find one that's usable.
You know, a Q doesn't always have to have a U after it... not if it's in an acronym. You could make a palindrome out of acronyms.
QAF FAQ!
What does that mean? Frequently asked questions about the TV show "Queer as Folk"?
Those would be some interesting questions.
Comic #146
March 25 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: There goes Abby the philosopher again.
Let's hope we don't have to see it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Has it ever occurred to you that human will is built around the search for happiness? Every time we make a choice, it's because we want to, and every time we want to do something, it's because we believe it would make us more happy than the alternatives.
What about when we help others out of pure altruism?
Even then, we do it because it gives us a good feeling. People who don't get a good feeling from being nice to people just aren't nice to people-- not unless they think they'll get some other reward for it.
But what about people who give their own lives to save other people's lives? They can't possibly be hoping to make themselves happier that way.
Well, if I ever give my life to save yours, it'll be because, before I die, I'll have a moment of knowing that you will live-- and that'll make me happier than living out my life with the knowledge that I failed to save you. I might not think it out consciously, but that'll be the reason.
I don't know. It sounds like you're trying to say that all the noble deeds of humanity are just selfishness.
Not at all! The fact that doing a good deed makes me happy means that I am a noble, kind person.
So if you happened to be the sort of person who wasn't able to get happiness from doing a good deed, then you couldn't do good deeds? You make it sound as if people don't have a choice.
Hey, this isn't a free will argument. We can have one of those later if you like.
Comic #147
March 26 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I am continuing to be stuck in this dumb argument although I don't want to.
I think Norma pulling Abby's chair out from under her is going to become a recurring theme in this comic. Abby certainly deserves it sometimes. I'm not sure if she deserved it here, but Norma seems to think so.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, so maybe all desires are based on the desire for happiness. But I'm still not sure I agree with you that every time we make a choice, it's because we want to.
I think we can choose to do things we don't want to do.
But only if we believe that we can get something we want by doing them.
If I eat gross-tasting health food, it's because I want to be healthy. If I do boring homework, it's because I want good grades. If I give all my money to a robber who has a gun to my head, it's because I want to stay alive.
But look at me! I'm choosing to make a funny face and wave my arms around! What desire could I possibly hope to fulfill by doing this?
Your desire to win this argument. But obviously, you can't.
Hey! Why did you just pull my chair out from under me?
You fell on the floor. Even though you didn't want to.
I didn't choose to do that! I told you I was talking about choices!
Comic #148
March 27 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Karen has a point.
If I were the kind of person who propagates the Santa conspiracy, I would probably tell kids that. It's such a convenient explanation.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How can Santa Claus afford to make so many toys? Where does he get the money to buy his resources?
Well, you know all those guys in Santa suits who stand around ringing bells and asking for donations? They all work for him.
Is that true?
No, but the truth would disappoint you.
Well, I still want to hear it.
Even if you'll be a lot more unhappy than you are now?
Yeah.
This shatters my whole world view. I thought all desires were based on the desire for happiness.
Not when it comes to knowing stuff.
Comic #149
March 28 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby is fairly prejudiced against stupid people.
I agree with Abby-- I wouldn't give up my knowledge, my intelligence or my morals in exchange for more happiness.
But then, I'm relatively happy already. Maybe my answer would be different if I were miserable. You'll do anything for food when you're starving, but not when you're full.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I had thought that every desire was based on the desire to be happy. But now I've realized there's one exception.
The desire for knowledge doesn't follow that rule at all. People will often choose to find out a piece of information, even when they have good reason to believe that having that information will make them more unhappy than not having it.
Maybe they really believe that the agony of uncertainty is worse than the disappointment of finding out.
That may be part of it. That was the first answer I thought of.
But then I asked myself, "If I could choose to give up half the knowledge I have now, in exchange for twice the happiness I have now, would I do it?" And I realized I wouldn't. I want my knowledge more than I want happiness.
It's the same with morals. There are all sorts of atrocities in this world that outrage my sense of ethics. If I could choose to change my moral beliefs and enjoy those atrocities instead of being outraged by them, I'd undoubtedly be happier with the world.
But if I had that option, I wouldn't take it. I want to keep my morals more than I want happiness.
Maybe what we value the most isn't happiness, but our own identities. Maybe the things that make us who we are-- our beliefs, our memories, our intelligence-- are more important to us than being happy.
I wonder if that's why stupid people don't want to be smart.
No, I think that's just because they're stupid.
Comic #150
March 31 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Leave it to Norma to find fun in careless nomenclature.
If we just choose the right definition, all clocks can be atomic clocks!
TEXT OF COMIC:
Look, Abby, I got an atomic clock!
That's not, technically, an "atomic clock." The atomic clock is in another part of the country. It has complex equipment that measures the movement of atoms, and it needs whole teams of scientists to look after it. That's just a clock that connects via satellite to the atomic clock so it can re-set itself.
Leave it to Abby to take all the fun out of careless nomenclature.
My clock is an atomic clock! It's MADE out of atoms!
Comic #151
April 1 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: April 1st should be a national holiday, just so no one will play pranks at work.
I once was left home alone for about 15 minutes on April 1st, and was in a hurry to play as many April Fool jokes as I could in the short time I had. My April Fool jokes ended up looking as if I had done them in my sleep while having a very weird dream. I turned the toaster upside down, and put pine cones under the key cover on the piano. I can't remember everything else I did, but it was all pretty bizarre, and I got in trouble for half of it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I heard you played an April Fool's joke at the bookstore where you work.
Yeah. I replaced the work chart with an altered copy of it, making it look as if we had to stock 500 shelves instead of just 50.
How did that go over?
Nobody noticed.
Apparently no one even looks at the work chart. I'd forgotten that I'm the only person at my job who actually does any work.
People who don't care about anything take all the fun out of practical jokes.
Comic #152
April 2 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think all food is organic. Inorganic food would be very weird.
Cathy feels that if you absolutely must eat, at least you should eat something you can feel superior about.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So what did you do after no one noticed your April Fool's joke at work?
I played another one.
I put a sign on the fridge in the break room, saying that fast food was no longer allowed on the premises, and any lunches that weren't 100% organic would be thrown out by tomorrow.
There was a riot. A dozen people stormed the manager's office to complain. I nearly got fired.
So your coworkers do care about something after all.
Well, actually, Cathy only got mad once she found out it wasn't true.
Comic #153
April 3 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes, Abby is still prejudiced against stupid people.
This whole series of thoughts went through my head after I read an article about a workplace that apparently did ban April Fool's jokes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The store where I work has now banned all April Fool's jokes, after everyone fell for my joke and panicked.
But I think they should just ban stupid people.
No, they shouldn't. If stupid people can't even get jobs stocking shelves, then where will they be able to work?
Same place as usual. The government.
Comic #154
April 4 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yay! there's going to be a party now!
Apparently Ron has some weird ideas. In reality, goldfish are more likely to get trapped inside you at a college party.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Hans and Ron! Do you want to come to a party with Norma and me in my dorm tonight?
Party? Am I OK? Koi may trap.
No, I promise you won't get... captured by any goldfish at this party. You'll be totally OK. We'll just watch Star Trek and eat pizza, and maybe play Apples to Apples.
Yay!
Cool, Ron's in. How about you, Hans?
Well, usually I only go to LAN parties...
LAN? Anal.
No one asked your opinion.
Comic #155
April 7 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Technically you can play Apples to Apples without talking at all.
Ron can't use Xanax as a Scrabble word, because it's a proper noun and because Scrabble has only one X. Of course he could use a blank tile for the other X, but he wouldn't get points for it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So we're all set for the party, right?
Yeah. I've got a DVD player and a bunch of Star Trek episodes for us, an Internet connection and a Playstation for Hans, and pizza and pop and an Apples to Apples deluxe game box for all of us.
Apples to Apples? Why not Scrabble? You and I always play Scrabble when just the two of us get together in your dorm.
Yeah, but I suspected that Ron might be at an unfair disadvantage.
Unless you'd like to add "Palindromic words only!" to our list of house rules.
Point taken.
Comic #156
April 8 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Star Trek spelled backwards is Kert Rats.
My favorite Star Trek palindrome is "April lirpa." Presumably that would mean a Vulcan lirpa weapon belonging to Captain Robert April from the Animated Series.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, we've watched a lot of Star Trek. The Original Series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine... we've been up almost all night. And you don't seem to be getting tired of it at all.
I know you can't say anything that isn't a palindrome, Ron... but I wish you could tell me what you like so much about Star Trek.
Most nerds identify with characters like Spock and Data. Do you like Data?
Data? A tad.
So he isn't your favorite character? Who is?
Odo.
Should have known.
Comic #157
April 9 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Norma's only pulled the chair out from under Abby once... so far.
In Austria and Germany, women's expectations of men in the bathroom go beyond the position of the toilet seat, and actually address the position of the man using the toilet. Many bathrooms in German homes contain signs saying "Bitte im sitzen pinkeln" ("Please pee sitting.")
TEXT OF COMIC:
That was a great party last night.
Yeah. Who'd have thought that a party with more than two people could be so fun? We'll have to do it again some time.
Inviting Hans and Ron was a good idea.
It sure was. Except Ron left the toilet seat up.
Oh, quit complaining. Why is a man leaving a toilet seat up any worse than a woman leaving a toilet seat down?
Because if a man accidentally uses a toilet with the seat down, he just has to clean the seat... but if a woman accidentally uses a toilet with the seat up, she has to clean her entire hindquarters.
And why would anyone accidentally use a toilet with the seat in the wrong position? I don't know about you, but I never, EVER sit down anywhere without looking first.
Where did you get an obsessive behavior like that?
Dunno. Maybe from having one too many chairs pulled out from under me.
You're never going to forgive me for that, are you?
Comic #158
April 10 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If ostrich sperm were bigger than ostrich eggs, that would be a problem.
You could write a Star Trek fanfiction story where it turns out Klingon sperm are slightly bigger than Klingon eggs, and therefore science decrees that the sperm are eggs and the eggs are sperm, and Worf suddenly has to deal with being officially considered a woman. Imagine the affront to his warrior pride.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder if there's any completely reliable way to define the words "male" and "female."
Not when dealing with individual humans.
But in biology, the female sex is defined as the sex that has the larger gametes.
Gametes?
Reproductive cells. Male gametes are sperm, and female gametes are eggs.
And the only officially recognized difference between sperm and eggs is that eggs are bigger?
Yeah. That's because there are so many vastly different kinds of animals, and it's hard to find a difference between the sexes that works for all species. For example, you can't define the female sex as "the sex that gives birth," because not all species have a sex that gives birth.
Think of fish. In many fish species, both sexes just spray their reproductive cells out into the water, where they join and grow into babies. The fish themselves don't do anything that defines them as male or female.
And the cells can be totally different depending on the species. The only constant is that there's always one sex that has larger gametes than the other. So scientists use that fact to define the sexes.
But what if we found an alien species that looked and acted just like humans, and reproduced in exactly the same way, and the only way they were different from humans was that the cells produced by the man-like sex were bigger than the cells produced by the woman-like sex?
Knowing humans, we'd probably rewrite our definition of the sexes.
You think so?
Comic #159
April 11 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'Sexes' is a palindrome. So is 'One lame female? No!'
...if I were a computer, I wouldn't have to worry about this "male" and "female" nonsense, dang it. Except maybe regarding my plugs.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you think scientists would rewrite the biological definition of "male" and "female" if they discovered a species where the biological definition conflicted with the traditional social definition?
Yeah, they would. That's how people are.
For example, both species of chimpanzee are about 98% genetically the same as humans. That's closer than a lot of other animals that are considered the same genus as each other.
But we keep saying the two species of chimpanzee are the genus "Pan," and humans are the genus "Homo"-- because if we put them in the same genus, we'd have to consider ourselves a type of chimp.
And that would have made people uncomfortable, even though it would have been logical. We're okay with calling ourselves a type of mammal, we're okay with calling ourselves a type of primate-- but for some reason we're not okay with calling ourselves a type of chimpanzee.
So scientists illogically decided that chimps are a different genus from us. They had to do it, to satisfy the masses.
Same with the definition of the sexes. If the biological definition ever conflicts with the social definition, it'll make people uncomfortable-- so scientists will have to rewrite the biological one, even though it's more logical than the social one.
But why is that bad, exactly? Why do you think the biological definition is better?
Because it's clear and straightforward! The social definition is just a vague idea that people have. It can't even be put into words in a way that reliably makes sense.
Welcome to the world of human thought processes.
Sometimes I think I'd rather be a computer.
Comic #160
April 14 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: To dust you shall return. At least your dead skin will.
It's silly to think that "woman" is a sexist word because it means a man with a womb. Of course it doesn't-- if that were true, a "wombat" would be a bat with a womb. And a wombat is nothing like a bat, and it's a marsupial, so it doesn't even have a womb in the same sense that a bat does. Perhaps members of the wombat community should protest this chauvinistic and inaccurate naming.
I wonder if the word "human" is politically incorrect. I mean, not every "human" is a MAN.
Oh, come off it. "Human" isn't "-man" with the prefix "hu-" on it-- it's "hum-" with the suffix "-an" on it.
"Hum-," in this case, comes from "humus," meaning "soil." It has to do with the idea of humans being created from dust-- in the past, "dust" was often used as a synonym for "dirt."
That makes sense. I had often wondered how humans could have been formed out of dust, when "dust" as we know it is composed mainly of human skin flakes.
It's come full circle. In the beginning, humans were formed out of dust-- now dust is formed out of humans.
Comic #161
April 15 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes... yes. It, um, adds to the... quality of the pun. Yeah.
The biggest mug of Guinness in the world should be in the Guinness Book of World Records.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, have you ever thought... if you said something over and over and over and over again, more times than anyone else had ever said it...
...then you would be breaking the record for acting like a broken record!
You've made that joke several times before. Was that deliberate?
Um... yeah. Yeah. It was.
Comic #162
April 16 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby certainly deserved it that time.
The only problem is that they've already decided the sequel is going to be called "Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you know how the movie "Spaceballs" is kind of a parody on Star Wars, and "Spaceballs" sounds kind of like "baseballs"?
Well, I think they should have a sequel called "The Umpire Strikes Out."
You know, Norma, you are the only person I've ever met who pulls chairs out from under people when they're already sitting in them.
From now on, that's your "pun"-ishment for bad jokes.
Comic #163
April 17 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I guess Abby still likes making puns about iron, ever since strip 102.
It actually looks more like a wrought-iron chair, but I think most chairs that look that way these days are actually cast, not wrought.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've bought a new chair, Norma. It's a heavy cast-iron chair, so it'll be practically impossible for you to pull it out from under me in revenge for my bad puns.
It's really hard to pull it across the floor, because it's made of heavy iron and it doesn't have any wheels. Of course, if it had some, they could be called "ferrous wheels." Or "cast-iron casters."
And it's pretty, too. See how fancy and curly the design is on the back of the chair? I call it "curling iron."
Okay, that's it. I don't care how heavy that chair is-- I an going to beat you over the head with it.
That would be "ironic"!
Comic #164
April 18 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I hope Norma's not making a pun on 'die cast' in the last panel.
See, it's not only a pun on "cast-iron," but also on "cation," since Fe2+ is positive.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I swear, if you make another pun about your new cast-iron chair, I'll...
You'll what? You'll "steel" it?
I will smash it over your rock-hard skull until the chair is reduced to a single cast-iron atom.
No, it's a "cast-ion"!
Oh, my God! A palindromic pun! Ron, will you marry me?
You are both going to die.
Comic #165
April 21 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'd be satisfied with 'depression'...
If we're real good, maybe Abby will return to life and come back to us someday...
I bet a religion would form around it...
TEXT OF COMIC:
It occurred to me that whenever a popular idol dies, the public gets stuck in one stage of grief.
With Elvis, it was the denial stage. People still refuse to believe he's dead. And with Princess Diana, it was the stage of anger and blame. People want to convince themselves it was murder instead of an accident. They want it to be someone's fault.
Somehow, if the dead person is famous enough, the population is unable to get through the stages and reach acceptance. They get bogged down in one stage and stay there.
If you get famous and die, what stage of grief would you like the world to get stuck in?
"Bargaining" would be a fun one.
Comic #166
April 22 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: but he just rounded up to the nearest palindrome!
Maybe when he's writing, he rationalizes that each individual letter is itself spelled backwards, and so an essay is really nothing more than a very long series of very short palindromes, and therefore acceptable.
Or maybe he follows each essay with the same essay written backwards, so that even if it doesn't make any sense, it can still count as palindromic.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Penny for your thoughts.
I was thinking about Ron.
Despite all appearances, he must be a pretty smart and mature guy. I mean, he's getting through college somehow.
I just don't know how. How does he write papers for class and stuff?
Well, all we know is that he only TALKS in palindromes. Who knows what kind of obsessive compulsion that is-- but we have no proof that it extends to writing.
Or maybe it does-- but maybe when you give him a few days to write a paper, he's an absolute palindrome genius. Maybe he can write essay-length palindromes that actually make sense and are on topic.
Or maybe the special ed department made an agreement with his professors that he only has to do multiple-choice assignments. And assignments where the answer to every question is a number.
But can he write non-palindromic numbers?
"Ron, you fail the quiz. The answer to this math problem was 902.136, and you put down 902.209."
Comic #167
April 23 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This is bitter, not funny. Sorry but that's how I felt when I wrote it.
Something similar happened to me once. That day, I vowed that I would never in my life refuse anything anybody offered me, as long as it wasn't illegal or dangerous.
Then I grew up, and realized that people often offer things without really wanting to give them, which makes it a whole lot more complicated than I'd thought.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I was about twelve years old, I was in a store and I saw a little boy looking at a toy truck that he wanted. It cost fifteen dollars, and he didn't have enough money. His parents were with him, but they wouldn't buy it for him because they said it was too expensive.
So I took it to the checkout counter and bought it for him. But his dad wouldn't let him take it. He said I was a sweet, generous girl, but he just couldn't let his son accept such an expensive gift from me.
I cried all night. I still haven't forgiven him.
I know he was following social rules. I know he was doing what society expected of him. But what's unforgivable is that he was going against logic in order to do that.
If his goal was the greatest happiness of the most people, the only logical choice was to accept the toy. His kid would be happier having it than not having it, and I would be happier having my gift accepted than refused. By refusing it, he made both of us unhappy, and nobody gained anything for it.
That idiot had society's expectations so deeply ingrained in him that he would sacrifice logic, his son's happiness, and my happiness, all just to comply with a social rule that didn't even have any useful purpose in that situation.
Maybe he wanted to teach his kid that you can't always have what you want. Maybe by buying the kid that toy, you were undermining his lesson that one has to buy things with one's own hard-earned money.
So he turned it into a lesson about how it's always better to make a twelve-year-old girl cry than accept a gift. What a model father.
Comic #168
April 24 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This happened to us.
The other annoyance of this question is that it assumes you had access to another phone while you were in the movie theater (and close enough to hear your phone if it rang).
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why weren't you answering your cell phone yesterday?
Because I lost it in a movie theater the day before yesterday.
Aw, that sucks. Did you try calling it from another phone?
AAAAAAUUUUURRRRRGGGGHHH!!!
What? What's wrong?
OF COURSE I didn't try calling it! The phone was TURNED OFF! Didn't I just TELL you I was in a MOVIE THEATER?
Okay, okay, I'm sorry. You don't have to get worked up.
I know, I know... it's just that I've told at least eight people about this, and EVERY SINGLE ONE of them has asked the same question.
It's a double insult to me. First, they're implying that I might be rude enough to have left my cell phone on when I was in a movie theater. And second, they're implying that I might be stupid enough not to think of calling the phone even if I knew it was on.
Calm down, Abby. They're just saying the first thing that comes into their heads. Calling the phone is the first thing that would occur to them, so that's why they suggest it.
EXACTLY! Calling the phone is the first thing that would occur to them-- so why can't they just take that two steps further?
Can't they just say to themselves, "The first thing I'd think of is calling the phone. Therefore it's probably the first thing that another reasonable person would think of-- therefore if I suggest it, I will be implying that she might not be a reasonable person, so I SHOULDN'T SUGGEST IT!"
And then, if they spent another two seconds thinking, they'd say, "OH WAIT, it wouldn't make any SENSE to call the phone anyway, because she's a kind, considerate person who would TURN HER FREAKING PHONE OFF IN A FREAKING MOVIE THEATER!"
I guess you just have better theory of mind than they do.
And I'M the one diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome!
Comic #169
April 25 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Another bonding experience between Abby and Hans.
With computers, it's a common problem. There are just too many wires you can forget to plug in.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So whenever I've told somebody that I lost my cell phone, they've asked me if I tried calling it from another phone. Isn't that insulting? Of COURSE I thought of trying that! I'm not an idiot! I just didn't do it because I knew I had turned the phone off.
Well, I work in tech support, and whenever someone calls me to say that they've got some electronic device that's not working, the first thing I ask is "Did you plug it in?"
Some people yell at me for insulting their intelligence-- but the reason I ask is because half the time, the problem IS that the person forgot to plug it in.
And yet I notice that you were the first person who didn't ask me if I've called my cell phone.
Well, of course. I know that YOU'RE not stupid.
EXACTLY!
Comic #170
April 28 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If her mom wanted grandchidren, she should have had more than one kid. Tough.
Actually, Cathy's more right than Abby thinks-- childbirth lets loose some crazy mind-control hormones, and you can wind up loving the kid and wanting to keep it even if you absolutely are not in a position to handle raising it. Nature is deadly dangerous stuff.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do you make fun of your mom wanting grandchildren, Abby? Isn't that, like, a natural instinct or something?
Yes, Cathy-- but it's HER instinct, not mine. I like children, but I like them as equals. I don't want to have dictatorial rule over them. I don't WANT to be a parent.
Do you have any idea how cruel it is for Mom to try and push someone who doesn't want children into having them? If she succeeded, she would essentially be causing children to grow up with a mother who doesn't want them.
But, see, she's hoping that you will change your mind and want children someday.
But she should know that IF that ever happens, it will happen on its own-- not because she nagged and pushed me into it. All this pressure from her is just making me want it less.
The only way that could ever get me to have kids is if I went absolutely insane from my desperation to stop her nagging. Then my kids would have to grow up with a mother who didn't want them AND was crazy as a hoot owl.
No, you don't understand, Abby. Even if you only get pregnant to stop your mom's nagging, and even if you spend the whole pregnancy hating the idea of having a kid, you'll change your mind as soon as you see your baby's little face looking up at you.
But what if I DON'T? What then?
Don't worry. You will. All parents love their children, no exceptions. Nature won't let it happen any other way.
I bet she's hoping I'll give the kid to her. That's her evil plot. She just wants another baby of her own.
Comic #171
April 29 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby isn't considering adoption because she can't handle raising any kid.
So if there's any kind of kid you can't handle raising, then you shouldn't have one... and if you can handle raising a disabled kid, then you should adopt one... and no more kids should be born until all the unwanted ones have homes? Well, I agree with Abby's morals here, but considering human nature, I'm not sure it's workable.
She's right, though, that adoptive parents discriminate based on race, gender and age. Especially age. Getting adopted if you're older than a toddler is almost as hard as getting adopted if you have a disability. There are countless older kids waiting for parents, because everyone seems to want infants.
TEXT OF COMIC:
But really, you can't blame your mom for nagging you to give her grandchildren. She can't help it. It's natural for her to want her family line to go on-- just like I want to have kids someday because I want my family line to go on.
But don't you see? Yes, it's a natural instinct-- but what makes us rational beings is our ability to listen to our instincts, recognize them-- and then CHOOSE not to act on them if they are destructive instincts.
People's instincts sometimes tell them to hurt and kill each other. Or cheat on their spouses. Or eat fatty food. Come on, you're always dieting-- you know that you can choose to ignore your instincts if they tell you to eat a big piece of cake.
So why can't you ignore them if they tell you to bring another child into a world that already has millions of unwanted children desperately needing homes?
Millions of children needing homes? That can't be true, because I read somewhere that there are millions of parents waiting to adopt.
That's partly because adoption is a long process, and partly because so many of the parents waiting to adopt are picky. They don't just want to adopt the kids that need a home the most. They often want kids of a certain race, gender, or age. And they usually don't want kids with disabilities.
Disabled kids very often end up never getting adoptive parents at all. So if you can handle raising a disabled kid, the only moral thing to do is adopt one instead of having children of your own.
But I couldn't handle raising a kid with a disability! So I have to have children of my own!
No-- if you can't handle raising a disabled kid, then you shouldn't have kids at all! What would you do if your kids ended up having disabilities?
Well... I guess I could give them up for adoption.
You know, I think your genes are incapable of producing a disabled child. All your children will be obscenely, disgustingly normal.
Comic #172
April 30 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Nobody ever says, 'Oh no, a garbage emergency! I'll call the garbage man!'
Which is more important, a doctor or an undertaker? I don't know. If we didn't have doctors we'd need undertakers more... and vice versa.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why is it a worse crime to attack a police officer than to attack an ordinary citizen? Aren't all people's lives worth the same?
Well... the police protect everyone, so a threat to the safety of a police officer is a threat to the safety of the whole community.
But couldn't the same be said of attacking a doctor? Or a garbage collector! Imagine what the community would be like without them!
Well... you're right. It's a stupid, discriminatory rule. But you still shouldn't go around attacking anyone.
I think I'll attack whoever decided that policemen deserve legal protection more than garbage men. I'll throw garbage at him. See how he likes it.
He'll probably call the police.
Comic #173
May 1 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: By my estimate, 98.9% of people who buy a Rubik's cube never complete it.
I got this idea from watching a trailer for "The Pursuit of Happyness," and then later seeing an interview where Will Smith demonstrated that he couldn't really do a Rubik's cube the way he did in the movie. A Rubik's cube stuntman must have been involved.
Or else they set the Rubik's cube up in a particular way so that he could just turn it like this, then like that, then like this, and it would be done. Seems more likely... but the concept of a Rubik's cube stuntman is a lot more interesting.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What is that ridiculous-looking thing, Karen?
It's a Rubik's cube, Mom. It's a kind of puzzle. I got it from Abby. Right now I'm trying to get all the green squares on one side.
Why don't you have tea parties with your dolls like a normal little girl? You won't learn any useful life skills from playing with that silly cube.
Yes, I will! When I grow up, I'm going to be a Rubik's cube stuntman.
A what?
When a character in a movie has to solve a Rubik's cube, and the actor doesn't know how, I'll solve it for them. The camera can just zoom in on my hands. I'll make millions.
Admit it, Mom-- I can't become a Rubik's cube stuntman unless I learn how to solve a Rubik's cube.
Well... no, I guess I can't deny that.
See? Now be quiet and let me concentrate.
Comic #174
May 2 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby is actually 'psittical,' which I have decided means 'parrot-like.'
Here is the story behind the word.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why don't you have a pet?
I do, sort of. My mom's had a dog ever since I was a kid.
But I can't have a pet in my dorm. When I get a place of my own, I'll keep a pet. It won't be a dog, though.
Why not? Don't you like dogs?
I like them just fine... it's just... they're not real animals.
What do you mean, they're not real animals?
They're practically robots. Humans MADE them, through thousands of years of selective breeding. Most of their instincts were bred into them by humans. We basically programmed them to think the way we wanted them to. So all they want is to please people. They barely have a will of their own.
When I get a pet, it'll probably be a parrot. Most pet parrots aren't more than a few generations removed from the wild... so they're still the way nature made them.
Parrots can be gentle and loving sometimes... but other times they're vicious, loud, annoying, demanding, destructive, sneaky, manipulative, devious, distrustful, untrustworthy, self-centered and violent.
Dogs just have this totally unrealistic loyalty and faith in humanity. Their hearts are one hundred percent pure and good. And that's not natural.
You're the most cynical person in the world, Abby.
Did you know the word "cynical" literally means "dog-like"? I've always thought that whoever invented that word must never have met a dog.
Comic #175
May 5 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If you don't know what an anagram is, you shouldn't be reading my comic.
No, I did not use an online anagram generator. Anagram generators are for sissy cheaters. Plus, they never make anagrams with names of manga characters in them.
Actually, I think it's cheating to use the names of manga characters like Gaara and Ranma in an anagram, too. If you can use any word or any name in any language on Earth, pretty much any series of letters would be acceptable.
TEXT OF COMIC:
There are actually a lot of anagrams for "anagram."
A rag man. A man rag. A gar man. A man gar.
A nag arm. Arm a nag. Mar a nag. Ram a nag. Nag a ram.
A gam ran. A ma rang.
Gar mana! A 'Nam rag!
Yeah, but almost all of them are made up of the same five or six words.
Ar! Manga!
Now look what you've done. You've turned Hans into a... a ninja pirate or something.
No, he's onto something! Let's start on the anime-related anagrams!
GA! Ranma!
Gaara! MN!
Hey, state abbreviations don't count as words.
Comic #176
May 6 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: To my knowledge, there is no such video game. I really wish there were.
I've always wondered why people get together to play games or eat or watch a movie when what they really want to do is talk. All those activities make it harder to talk. Why don't people just get together to have a conversation?
TEXT OF COMIC:
So, Abby, how did you end up finding the cell phone that you lost?
I'm not going to tell you, Hans.
Aw, why not?
Because you and Ron are busy playing "Amphioxus Wars 2000."
I don't talk to people who are playing video games. No matter how hard they try to listen, they inevitably get distracted by something in the game, and stop paying attention to me halfway through what I'm saying.
It's not really your fault-- it's just something that happens when you try to have a conversation and play a game at the same time. I'm not being unreasonable, am I?
That's BRILLIANT!
You really think so?
Norma, check this out! Ron can do a Notochord Combo just as well BACKWARDS as he can do it FORWARDS!
Awesome!
I give up.
Comic #177
May 7 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I once heard someone talk about going to 'fourth base.' Isn't that 'home'?
I doubt it. Cathy has probably never even heard of "base two."
Actually, I'm not sure that the average person even knows what all the "bases" refer to in the making-out sense, either. It might even be different in different parts of the country. I once heard someone say "where I come from, first base means..."
TEXT OF COMIC:
So this guy asked me out on a date, and then he wouldn't even let me get to second base with him! What was he thinking?
What is "second base," anyway?
What are you, twelve years old? Everyone knows what second base is.
It's a sports reference, isn't it? I barely know anything about sports.
Yeah, it's a sports reference when taken literally... but I think she means it as a double entendre. I just don't know what the other meaning is.
It's freaking SECOND BASE!
Do you suppose maybe she's trying to talk about binary?
Comic #178
May 8 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Food leads a dangerous life.
Actually, I think Abby prefers real sugar, but she just can't help tormenting Cathy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe you're not having any lunch. You must still weigh less than ninety pounds. Someday you'll die from not eating enough, Cathy.
Well, someday you'll probably die from something you eat.
There are all sorts of dangerous chemicals in food. How do you know your food is safe?
I know my food ISN'T safe. It's in deadly danger. It's about to get eaten.
You KNOW that's not what I meant.
Mmmm, chemicals. Pass me another packet of sugar substitute, will you?
Comic #179
May 9
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Apparently Cathy starves because she can't find any food healthy enough..
It would be weird if we just ate energy directly instead of making it from food.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You're disgusting. I can't believe you can eat food with chemicals in it.
I can't believe you can be so ignorant about the meaning of the word "chemical."
A chemical is simply an atom or molecule. All matter is made of chemicals. Food without chemicals would have to be pure energy.
And think how many calories that would have!
...You didn't understand that either, did you? You don't know that calories are a measure of energy.
If you didn't eat so much poison, you wouldn't always be going insane and making up stupid things like that.
Comic #180
May 12 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This works better with some cereals than others.
Actually, drinking orange juice while eating cereal that has milk on it is worse, because orange juice is acidic and milk is basic. I do not like such chemical reactions happening in my stomach. (But then, I guess eating anything basic will have some similar result when it meets your stomach acid.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Holy crap, Abby! Why are you eating cereal with orange juice on it instead of milk?
I'm out of milk.
But you could have eaten toast or something.
I didn't want toast. I wanted cereal. What's wrong with orange juice on cereal?
I don't know, it just seems gross to me, that's all.
What? Norma, you DRINK orange juice with your breakfast. All through breakfast you've got the tastes of orange juice and cereal in your mouth. How is this any more gross than that?
Well, I'm just... not USED to having them together THAT WAY.
And people say I get stuck in obsessive routines.
Comic #181
May 13 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Well, she'd still encounter grammar issues if she talked in ASCII binary.
Actually, I think "chaise lounge" has become such a common phrase that it can pretty much be considered correct by now.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you're going to take classes again this summer?
Of course. I always take summer classes.
I bet Cathy will make fun of you for that. She always does.
If she does, I'll tell her that it's none of her business if I prefer to continue exercising my mind while she spends the summer lying in a chaise longue drinking wine coolers.
She'll probably just look at you funny. Especially if you pronounce "chaise lounge" the way you pronounced it just now.
It's not "chaise lounge"! It's "chaise longue"! It's French. It means "long chair."
But virtually no one knows that. Least of all an airhead like Cathy. If you pronounce it that way, she'll think you're making a mistake.
So in order to make people think I'm saying it right, I have to say it WRONG.
Pretty much, yeah.
Forget it. No more human languages. I'm talking in binary from now on.
Comic #182
May 14 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You'd think common sense and logic would be similar concepts, but they aren't.
My mom never told me not to talk to strangers. She just said not to give them personal information or go anyplace in their cars. She was a pretty sensible mom. If you never talk to strangers you never get to know anyone.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mom says that it's not safe to talk to strangers. And she says that a "stranger" is a person we don't know.
But then I asked her, "What should we do if we start a new grade and end up in a class where we don't know the teacher or the other kids?" And she said, "Don't be silly. Of course you can talk to THEM."
So apparently there are SOME strangers it's safe to talk to. But Mom can't give me a coherent guideline for how to tell which ones are safe. She just said "Use your common sense."
Unfortunately, I don't think I have common sense yet. I just have logic.
I think that when people grow up, they lose their logic at the same time they develop their common sense.
Comic #183
May 15 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'm pretty sure Abby lives in the same city I do.
Grass actually can't reproduce if you mow it when the law tells you to, because it doesn't grow its flowers until it reaches its full height.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How come people here in the northern United States always plant their lawns with grass that's only hardy in the south?
It's so stupid. The temperature, the weather and the soil are all wrong for it. You have to do all sorts of unnatural things just to get it to survive.
I can barely walk to class, because half the time, all the lawns on campus are being treated with poisonous chemicals, and the rest of the time they're being watered with sprinklers, so even if I stay on the sidewalk I get soaked.
And despite all those efforts, the grass always ends up getting dry and brown anyway. You can't keep it alive outside its natural habitat. It's like trying to keep a rare tropical fish alive in an aquarium. Hardly anyone can manage it.
And we've also somehow developed a dislike for grass at its natural height. There are city ordinances that say you have to mow it before it even gets half as tall as it can grow.
So why doesn't anyone just use a ground cover that's hardy in this environment and doesn't grow any higher than the legal limit?
Because, in a city of grass that can barely stay alive, a hardy ground cover would become a weed. It would spread and take over your neighbor's weak, sick, chemical-dependent lawn.
A revolution has to start somewhere.
You're evil, Abby.
Comic #184
May 16 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Maybe we shouldn't use a strong word like 'love,' either.
Yes-- even when forms of Newspeak are imposed on you from infancy, you can find ways around them, just as Karen did. The human mind is a plusgood thing.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mom says we can't use the word "hate," because it's "a strong word."
So I've started saying I "can't stand" things, instead. And so far, Mom hasn't complained.
Which is strange, when you think about it-- because "I can't stand it" is actually a STRONGER statement than "I hate it." You can hate something and still be able to stand it. But "I can't stand it" means you hate it SO MUCH that it's unendurable for you.
Cousin Abby says there's a book called "1984," where the government tries to control the people by making them speak a language that doesn't have words for the things they're not supposed to think about.
Trouble is, in real life, people will always find ways around stuff like that.
Comic #185
May 19 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Finding plotholes in fairy tales is a thankless task.
And her stepsisters didn't recognize her. Just like Clark Kent's coworkers. Dress up a little differently, and you'll fool everyone.
Though, personally, I think it's completely believable that Superman could obscure his identity by changing his clothes and hairstyle and putting on glasses. Heck, I probably wouldn't even recognize him twice in the same costume, if it weren't for the fact that his costume is so blatantly noticeable. 'Cause, see, he had a completely nondescript face, with no recognizable features at all. (The curl on his forehead doesn't count, because he only had that when he was Superman, not when he was Clark. I'm telling you, he didn't just change clothes in the phone booth, he did his HAIR in there too. And it totally worked, because that was his only identifying trait.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't understand the story of Cinderella. When the clock struck midnight, why didn't the glass slippers turn back into whatever raggedy old shoes she'd been wearing when she met the Fairy Godmother?
The dress turned back to what it had been before. The carriage and the horses turned back. Why not the slippers?
I know fantasy stories don't have to follow the rules of the real world. But I at least expect them to follow their own internal rules-- like "When the spell breaks at midnight, EVERYTHING will turn back to the way it was."
Otherwise it's just sloppy writing, ignoring logic for the sake of what's convenient to the plot.
It's a little late for literary criticism of that story, Abby.
Comic #186
May 20 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Same with chocolate bars and granola bars. 'Kudos' are in the gray area.
Luckily for the ethical among us, candy companies don't really have anything to gain by renaming their products to evade sales tax. Although it's true that it would reduce their prices at no extra cost to them... which might improve sales.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder what the official difference is between candy and fruit snacks.
We tend to think of fruit snacks as having less sugar and more real fruit in them-- but what's the official, legal amount that defines this?
The thing is, there MUST be an official difference-- because there's sales tax on candy and not on fruit snacks.
Frightening though it sounds, I think it's decided by what the company SAYS the product is.
So if the companies that make Starbursts and Skittles suddenly decided to call them fruit snacks, I wouldn't have to pay tax on them anymore? Sweet!
Yes, I can see a lot of potential for corruption there.
Comic #187
May 21 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it's the amazing neverending circular joke!
I can think of some countries to which that description would apply.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, remember when you joked about founding a wimpy, cowardly country with a national anthem that began with the words "We surrender"?
I've just realized that you could actually have a national anthem like that without seeming cowardly. All you'd have to do is write it so that the first line was "We surrender to no one."
Isn't that cool? I turned your joke back around on itself.
We surrender to no one,
Just as easily as to someone!
Nothing can stop us,
Just as well as something can!
Leave us alone,
And we'll fall apart on our own,
Just as fast as if you attacked us
With all your men!
Holy crap. You just turned the joke BACK around again.
Comic #188
May 22 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: There's some linen in there too, I think.
I live as if money grows on little fuzzy plants. That are not hardy in my climate.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What does it mean when people say "Money doesn't grow on trees"?
It means that dollar bills are made of paper that comes from cotton fibers, not wood pulp.
People who "live like money grows on trees" are people who use money very sparingly, as if they thought that using too much of it would cause deforestation.
Okay, I made that explanation up.
I know. But I like it so much that I'm not going to ask you for the real one.
Comic #189
May 23 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: He should totally just fire all those guys.
If Cathy can stock 30 books an hour and Abby can stock 90 books an hour, and both are paid $6 an hour, their boss is currently spending $96 a week to have 720 books stocked. If he went with Abby's idea, he would spend $72 a week to have 1080 books stocked. Assuming that all the male employees can be replaced with new employees of equal productivity, what is the average annual impact on the nation's economy from the loss of all the students whose brains explode during the completion of word problems?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Your performance review is excellent, Abby. You're smart, you follow directions well, and you get three times as much work done per hour as anyone else here.
So why do you always schedule me for only four hours a week, and Cathy for twelve hours?
Simple. If you can do three times as much work per hour as Cathy, why should I schedule you for as many hours as her? With you, I can get the same amount of production for a third of the cost.
Well, you'd get more production AND save more money if you fired Cathy and gave me twelve hours a week.
Unfortunately, that would make me very unpopular among the male employees. Their union has lobbied for Cathy to be available for viewing as many hours a week as possible.
Comic #190
May 26 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Also if you're a published author dealing with an editor.
Yes, thank goodness she's not.
TEXT OF COMIC:
In Prehistoric Biology class this week, I wrote a paper where I mentioned that the Allosaurus predated the Triceratops.
And Professor Hammond thought I was saying that the Allosaurus was a PREDATOR of the Triceratops, and she marked it wrong, with a little note saying that the Triceratops didn't appear until millions of years after the Allosaurus died out.
Which, of course, was what I had been saying-- that the Allosaurus predated the Triceratops by 75 million years.
You'd think a difference in meaning like that would be pretty obvious from the context.
Well, of course it was. But sometimes people are so eager to find mistakes in what you've said, they just don't pay attention to the context.
Especially if you're a political figure.
Thank goodness you're not.
Comic #191
May 27 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Ha! You accused me of changing the subject instead of answering MY point!
"Mistake" always sounded like a film directing term to me. "Oops, that was a mistake. We've got to do a retake. Take two!"
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe I set my alarm for 8 p.m. instead of 8 a.m.
I missed my morning class! How could I make such a stupid mistake?
Calm down, Abby. Everyone makes mistakes.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean mistakes don't SUCK.
Actually, mistakes are good. Without them, there would be no learning.
Without them, there would be no NEED to learn.
Think about it. What do you learn when you make a mistake? You learn not to make that mistake again. If you just naturally didn't make mistakes, then what would be the point in learning that?
I can't believe that someone with such a vast capacity for logical reasoning would use it only to justify feeling horrible about herself.
Ha! You changed the subject! That means you can't think of any answer to my argument!
Comic #192
May 28 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Oh please no paradoxes.
In the absence of a machine to rewind time, I will rewind the time on my clock back to last night, and then I can at least pretend.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wish I could invent a machine to rewind time so I could go back and not make the mistake I made last night.
The trouble with rewinding time is that you'd rewind it back to a time when you didn't know any better, so you'd end up making the mistake anyway.
My God, you're right. Maybe I did it already and I just don't know.
Yeah, and tomorrow you'll invent the machine again and rewind time back to last night, and you'll be stuck in that loop forever.
Comic #193
May 29 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Corpses, and gradually separate molecules entering the ecosystem... and our food
And everyone's in the past, too. Except people who haven't been born yet. (Or conceived, depending on your political view.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you know where Abby is? I haven't seen her all day.
Well, she was talking about making a time machine. Maybe she's in the future.
Everyone's in the future.
Yeah, you're right. Everyone except dead people.
And even they are in the future as rotten corpses and stuff.
Comic #194
May 30 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I hate the question 'what's up.' I never know how to answer it.
Yes, being able to write words on paper telekinetically in your pocket is a lesser super power than being able to predict the future. Think of how few situations you can use it in, compared to the power of prediction.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Abby! What's up?
It's the opposite of down.
Ha! Take a look at this piece of paper in my pocket.
Hey, it says exactly what I just said.
Yup! I knew exactly how you were going to reply when I greeted you that way, so I wrote it down beforehand to show you that I can predict the future!
I don't believe you, Norma. I think you must just have some lesser super power that you're using to trick me. Like maybe you have the ability to write words on paper telekinetically, and you actually wrote that AFTER I answered you.
...What? It's a simpler explanation than you being able to predict the future!
Abby, predicting what puns you're going to make isn't exactly a super power.
Comic #195
June 2 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The thing is, LARPing would actually be fun if you had a holodeck.
They didn't make a virtual reality machine because too many other science fiction shows had already done it. Sometimes creativity comes at the cost of plausibility.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The holodeck in Star Trek is just so implausible.
Holograms that you can feel... pretty strange stuff, don't you think?
I don't understand why they didn't just make a virtual reality machine. We're pretty close to that technology already.
Be that as it may, it's kind of cool to imagine an era when all the world famous starship captains and war heroes are into LARPing.
I think it's just sad.
Comic #196
June 3 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Hans got nothing on that quiz, because he does not take LJ quizzes.
Here we learn some pointless info about Abby's ethnic background.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I took that LiveJournal quiz called "How Nerdy Are You?" It said I was only 30 percent nerd.
I think the quiz was biased in favor of math nerds. I know I'm at least 400 percent literary nerd.
You can't be 400 percent anything. 100 percent is a whole. You can't go higher than that.
Ah, but I'm a special case.
I'm about 20 percent fat and 30 percent muscle. In addition, I'm about 75 percent water (and therefore at least 50 percent hydrogen and 25 percent oxygen).
Plus, I'm 25 percent Irish, 25 percent French, 50 percent Swedish, 100 percent American and 100 percent human.
So?
So, add those all up! Clearly, in my case, the whole is at least 500 percent... so I can be 400 percent nerd if I dang well feel like it!
Abby, if you were a math nerd, you would revolutionize the world of math. And not in a good way.
You're just bitter 'cause you only got 15 percent on that quiz.
Comic #197
June 4 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Phonetically, it is a palindrome.
The teddy bear is happy because it is the second-best student in the class.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Good morning, children. Class is now in session.
Today we're going to talk about why "salt and batteries" is such an awesome pun.
Not only does it sound a lot like the familiar phrase "assault and battery"... but it even sort of makes sense in itself, because you can actually use a cup of salt water AS a battery to run a small digital clock. It's sort of like those clocks that plug into potatoes.
Plus, if you translate "salt and batteries" into Spanish, you get "sal y pilas," which is, like, one letter away from being a palindrome. So, yeah, it's pretty much the most awesome pun in existence.
You're pretty good for a substitute teacher, Karen, but you're not Miss Abby.
Hey, she can't ALWAYS be here to play "school" with us.
Comic #198
June 5 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: They also have bad grammar in the titles.
Actually, you can shrink the human body by decreasing the amount of matter in it. Cathy the cheerleader has managed this feat to a dangerous degree.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've always thought movies where people shrink are stupid.
There are only two workable ways to shrink something. Either you reduce the amount of empty space in it, like when you collapse a telescope... or you reduce the amount of matter in it, like when you dry a grape into a raisin. But you can't do either of those things to people.
That's true, Hans, but what if you used relativity?
What does relativity have to do with it? Relativity is when you travel close to the speed of light, and less time passes for you than for the rest of the universe.
Yeah, but time is just one of the dimensions. There must also be forms of relativity that apply to the dimensions of length, width and height... don't you think?
If there's a way to make less time pass for one person than for another, then maybe the same can be done with space. Maybe you can put some kind of spatial anomaly around yourself, and inside it there's enough space for your whole body, but from the outside it's the size of a cockroach.
But light couldn't travel through the walls of an anomaly like that. Other people couldn't see me, and I couldn't see them. And there'd be so much mass inside the anomaly, it would seem like a really dense object to the outside world, and gravity would pull me down through the floor.
That's not my problem. I just figured out how to shrink you.
Some friend you are.
Comic #199
June 6 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I used to think this way.
I also thought that the Plain-Bellied Sneetches actually had stars too, they were just too small to see. (This was because of the line "Those stars weren't so big, they were really so small; you would think such a thing wouldn't matter at all." When I looked at the pictures, the Star-Bellied Sneetches' stars didn't look "small" to me, so I assumed, in my overcomplicated way, that he must be talking about microscopic stars on the bellies of the inaccurately named Plain-Bellied Sneetches.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
"Luke's duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes. Luke Luck takes licks in lakes Luke's duck likes."
Reading from "Fox in Socks"?
Yeah. The great works of Seuss bring back so many vivid memories for me.
As a kid, I always thought that Luke Luck and his duck were trapped in this conforming relationship where each one only licked lakes to please the other, and neither one ever got to lick the lakes he himself liked.
I compared it to the scenario where a bunch of Minnesotans are going out to dinner together, and they can't decide where to go because each one will only say "I'll go wherever you want to go."
And since none of them will express preferences of their own, they end up either going someplace none of them want to go, or staying at home and being hungry. Poor Luke and his duck always kind of embodied that sad fate in my eyes.
Wow. That's poignant.
Isn't it, though? Thirst in the land of 10,000 lakes to lick.
Comic #200
June 9 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: More of a bi-cent-comical.
Abby and Norma are careful never to break the fourth wall except for special occasions.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you doing, Abby?
I'm looking through my collection of state quarters.
The quarters for Kansas and North Dakota have bison on them. Now what we need is a bison quarter with ten eels on it, too. Then we'd have a bison-ten-eel quarter.
Have you never heard of a bicentennial quarter, or are you just ignoring my joke because you like to ignore my jokes?
We're celebrating our two hundredth comic strip, and all you can think of doing is making a horrible pun about quarters?
Yes. I like state quarters. They're the most luxurious rooms I've ever slept in.
Comic #201
June 10 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually desertification comes from overgrazing cows. The solution is veganism.
I carry an umbrella like hers. My city would be a desert too. So this theory obviously doesn't work, seeing as how my city is the heart of the Land of 10,000 Lakes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think I've figured out how desertification works.
Desertification?
The process by which places become deserts.
Okay. So how do you think places become deserts?
Well, it's common knowledge that it only rains when you don't have an umbrella with you. Logically, therefore, if a town has one resident who ALWAYS carries an umbrella, that town will inevitably become a desert.
So the way to stop desertification is for each town to find that one resident and convince him to stop carrying an umbrella all the time. The first day he goes out without it, rain is virtually guaranteed.
But by that logic, THIS city would be a desert. I know for a fact that a mini foldable umbrella is among the fifty different rarely-useful gadgets you carry in your giant purse at all times.
Yes, and it ONLY rains on days when I forget my purse.
Comic #202
June 11 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby likes gorilla suits.
I don't actually think Gordon Brown is a clown. But Bush is definitely a Ferengi in a gorilla suit.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"The clown can stay, but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to go."
What?
I still can't figure out what the joke could have been.
When Data gets his emotion chip activated, he suddenly laughs at the punch line of a joke Geordi told him a long time ago. The punch line was, "The clown can stay, but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to go." I just can't think of a good joke that would actually have that punch line.
I mean, it has a lot of elements that could be in a joke-- a clown, a Ferengi, a gorilla suit... and yet somehow they don't add up to anything. I've got an excellent imagination, but I've been thinking for days, and I can't make up a good beginning for that joke.
"How come George W. Bush is leaving office and Gordon Brown isn't?"
No good. Without the connection to the Star Trek movie, it's not really a joke, it's just calling people names. If you told it to someone, they wouldn't laugh unless they had already heard the punch line in the movie.
Yeah. Plus, Geordi would never say it. Too anachronistic.
Comic #203
June 12 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Norma is anti-semantic.
But things that don't exist as tangible objects still exist as concepts in our minds! Except those that we haven't even imagined.
TEXT OF COMIC:
There is nothing that doesn't exist.
What? I can think of plenty of things that don't exist.
I didn't say "everything you can think of exists." I said "there IS nothing that doesn't exist."
That's because the phrase "there is" means the same as "exists." Anything that doesn't exist isn't something there is.
I will tolerate your puns, but if you become obsessed with existential philosophy, I will get up and leave.
Hey, calm down. It's only semantics.
Comic #204
June 13 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes, she was. So was I. But it's all true nevertheless.
I used to joke that if a place required ID, you could still get in there if you didn't have an ego or superego.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Freud said that the mind is made up of the id, the ego and the superego. The word "id" literally means "it," and refers to the base instincts. The other parts are supposed to be more rational.
Unfortunately, I think most people let the "id" dominate too much. They let themselves be ruled by instinct and emotion, and so they do stupid stuff like forgetting to use birth control in the heat of passion, or eating cake all night when they feel sad.
I think people on the autism spectrum are better off in some ways. We're logical and rational, and don't let that "it" part of us get control.
No "it": Autism situation!
I swear, Abby, you were just setting Ron up to make that palindrome.
Comic #205
June 16 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I have a feeling this is where the word 'lunatic' comes from.
I don't know how true it really is that most women menstruate during the full moon. But I think it would make sense, judging from other animals' mating cycles, that humans' cycles were synchronized at some point in history.
TEXT OF COMIC:
They say that female hormone cycles follow the cycle of the moon.
That would make sense. The moon gets fat, and we do too.
I gain so much weight at that time of the month-- I feel as big as a house.
So you turn into a house at the time of the full moon. I guess that means you're a "were-house."
You have one second to get out of that chair before I pull it out from under you.
Comic #206
June 17 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I wish I lived near a store that sold 47-cent chocolate bars.
I don't know what credit card company provides Abby's check card service, but I have a feeling there really are companies like that around. Not mine, though. My check card comes from Visa through TCF Bank, and they charge the store a percentage of the cost, not a minimum amount.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'd like one of those dark chocolate bars with the almonds.
That'll be 47 cents.
Actually, I was wondering if you'd let me have it for nothing.
Why would I give you a chocolate bar for free?
Because I don't have any cash with me.
If I paid for it, I'd have to pay with my check card. And I happen to know that every time I use this check card, the company charges the store a fee that's actually higher than 47 cents.
So if you give it to me free, you're not gaining any money, but if I pay for it, you're actually losing money.
Those chocolate bars also come in packages of a dozen for only $9.99.
Nice try.
Comic #207
June 18 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: To Abby, a definition and a meaning are the same thing.
It is kind of scary that "The Meaning of Life" came out exactly 100 years after "Life" magazine debuted. I don't think it was deliberate, either.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What do you suppose the meaning of life is?
Life (n.) 1. The condition of being alive.
2. Living things (as in, "intelligent life").
3. The interval between birth and death.
I think I need a better meaning than that.
4. A board game produced by Milton Bradley.
5. A breakfast cereal manufactured by the Quaker Oats company.
6. An American magazine, first published in 1883.
Quit giving me DEFINITIONS! I want the MEANING of life!
"The Meaning of Life": A movie made in 1983 by the cast of Monty Python.
Forget it.
Comic #208
June 19 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually, maybe animals have no purpose, since we have too much CO2 already.
That means that lions and antelopes each have at least two purposes: to feed/eat each other, and to make carbon dioxide for plants. Meanwhile, plants both make oxygen and feed antelopes. Everything has multiple purposes. (Except humans.)
Humans aren't the first species to destroy the ecosystem's balance, though. When the first plants appeared on Earth, they put so much oxygen in the air that it totally wiped out most of the other species that existed at the time (which were anaerobic bacteria or something, and so oxygen was deadly to them). But we have to be glad that happened, because that led to the evolution of oxygen-breathing species like us.
Maybe when humans destroy all the other species on Earth, it will usher in a whole new generation of life forms that breathe smog or something. We can only hope.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, you're utterly useless at answering questions about the meaning of life. I'll phrase it differently. What do you suppose the PURPOSE of life is?
Easy. It's to play a part in the ecosystem's balance.
The purpose of a lion's life is to keep the antelope population down. The purpose of an antelope's life is to feed lions. The purpose of a plant's life is to put oxygen in the air for animals. The purpose of an animal's life is to put carbon dioxide in the air for plants.
It's circular, and yet it works, because life is a circle.
Humans, however, do not contribute to the balance of the ecosystem. In fact, we destroy it. So human life has no purpose.
I think I preferred your answer to the question about the meaning of life.
See? The trick is to ask the right question.
Comic #209
June 20 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Deep down, Abby's mom recognizes her kinship with Snidely Whiplash.
Where there's a will, there's... not always a way.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've had it with your insistence that you're never going to have children, Abby.
I've made a new will. It explicitly states that you'll inherit nothing unless you've gotten married and given me at least one biological grandchild by the time you're thirty-five.
Huh. How much do I stand to inherit if you don't cut me out of your will?
It depends on a lot of things... but it could be as high as $80,000.
Nice try, Mom. That's LESS than it takes to raise a child. I'd actually end up with more money if I just stayed childless and let you disinherit me.
Curses. Foiled again.
Why don't you go back to trying to find a doctor who'll prescribe you old-age fertility drugs?
Comic #210
June 23 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes, it's mostly common sense, but most people have no common sense.
In Vienna, there is a good enough rail transit system that it's actually easy to live your life without a car. People do not die from rail transit nearly as much as they die from car crashes... plus, rails are easier and cheaper to maintain than roads, and electric trains are nicer to the environment than gas-guzzling cars. I do not see why the world has not completely replaced cars with trains yet. I mean, I can understand that governments don't care whether 50,000 people live or die each year, or whether the environment gets wrecked or not... but you'd think they would at least care about their own pocketbooks, and maintaining rails instead of roads would save them a crapload of money in the long run.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder why cars are still legal.
I mean, they kill about 50,000 people every year. That's, like, more than fifty times the number of people who die from heroin. Heroin's illegal, so why not cars?
Well, cars are sometimes necessary, and heroin isn't.
So? They should ban all car rides that AREN'T necessary-- like rides to places within walking distance, or places you don't really have to go.
Actually, guys, cars are already illegal.
What?
Come on-- there are hundreds of thousands of traffic laws. Like a dozen encyclopedias. The human brain simply does not have the capacity to memorize all those laws-- therefore, it's impossible to drive a car without breaking the law, so driving a car is technically illegal.
I wish the law enforcement officials used logic like yours.
Maybe I'll be a policeman when I get out of college.
Comic #211
June 24 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's mom's neighbor must have about three cars.
I think it would be funny to call my hair "tall."
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's strange how inexact language is when talking about dimensions.
Huh?
The definitions of "length," "width," and "height" aren't clear at all. For instance, we tend to think of "height" as the vertical dimension... but that's not always true. When I'm lying down, I'm still considered to be five feet tall, even though my vertical dimension is less than a foot.
And when it comes to the horizontal dimensions of a given object, we tend to think of "length" as the longer one and "width" as the shorter one... but that's not always true, either. One of my mom's neighbors has a driveway that's wider than it is long.
Plus, the word "short" can refer to either horizontal dimensions or vertical dimensions... but the word "long" refers to horizontal dimensions, while the word "tall" refers to vertical ones.
Not always, though. Like you said, "tall" is your horizontal dimension when you're lying down. And your hair is "long" even though it's vertical.
Exactly! There's no continuity. How can people communicate when the words we use don't mean the same thing even half the time? I mean, we even use the words "long" and "short" to talk about the dimension of time!
I guess we should be grateful that humans don't have to function in more than four dimensions.
Comic #212
June 25 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Most things in the world can't be defined adequately, Abby.
I don't actually know what the definition is in the federal law books. But I bet it has loopholes if you look for them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder how you can define "slavery."
It doesn't just mean "working without getting paid"-- because that would mean that volunteer work is slavery.
I think a slave is someone who works without getting paid AND isn't given a choice in the matter.
But that definition would include convicts who have to do community service.
Yeah, you're right. And kids whose parents make them do household chores.
But maybe in those cases they aren't slaves because they're treated humanely and they aren't made to do unreasonable amounts of work.
That's a pretty inexact definition. Where do you draw the line?
I guess it must only be slavery if the person can be bought and sold.
So what if Americans went back to keeping slaves exactly the way they did before the Emancipation Proclamation... EXCEPT that you couldn't buy or sell them, and the only way to get new ones was to capture them yourself, or breed the ones you had?
Hmm. That WOULD still be slavery.
How can we have abolished something we can't even define?
Comic #213
June 26 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The #1 cause of death among 70-pound cheerleaders is being 70-pound cheerleaders.
The internet is probably the most addictive thing we have. It's also a gateway drug, but only if it's administered through a Gateway computer.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why don't you drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes like a normal person, Abby?
Because they're gateway drugs to marijuana.
No, seriously, why?
Do I have to have a reason? Both of them are disgusting experiences the first few times you try them... and then if you manage to get used to them, what do you get for your effort?
Alcohol makes you act like an idiot and wake up the next morning feeling as if you're going to die. Cigarettes are neck-and-neck with obesity for the title of Number One Cause of Death Worldwide.
But you're already obese, so what does it matter? Cigarettes would at least make you thin.
Just so you know, exaggerating my weight is the number two cause of death among 70-pound snobby cheerleaders.
Comic #214
June 27 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: My husband couldn't understand why this comic is funny.
There is no really good answer to this. Heaven would suck big-time if there were no marriage, but it would also suck big-time if your late spouses were fighting over you. Which they would, unless heaven changed human nature. (Which it would pretty much have to, I guess, in order to maintain its status as a perfect place.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, if you were married and your husband died, would you ever get married again?
I don't know. Maybe.
I never would.
Why not?
Well, it'd make things awkward with my first husband when we got to heaven, don't you think?
Someone asked a question like that in the Bible... something about what would happen if a woman married seven brothers one after another and they all died. The answer was that she wouldn't be married to any of them in heaven, because there's no marriage in heaven.
I don't like that answer. I think heaven would suck if there was no marriage.
Oh? What answer do you like?
I think if a woman had seven husbands and they all died, she probably wouldn't go to heaven, 'cause she's probably a murderer.
Hmm. It WOULD be a bit too much of a coincidence.
What Would Miss Marple Do?
Comic #215
June 30 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Rocky the Flying Squirrel is hot. If I were a squirrel I would date him.
It was too hot to do homework. And squirrels kept running past my window.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The concept of "opposites" is interesting.
Hmm?
We talk about opposites as if they were as different from each other as possible. But in fact, opposites necessarily have certain things in common.
For example, "hot" and "cold" are opposites. But they have several similarities. They're both characteristics of physical objects. They're both levels of temperature.
In fact, sometimes they're even the SAME temperature. 80 degrees Fahrenheit, for instance, is quite hot weather... but if your body temperature were 80 degrees Fahrenheit, you'd be dangerously cold.
On the other hand, nobody would ever say that "hot" is the opposite of "squirrel." And yet "hot" and "squirrel" have a lot LESS in common than "hot" and "cold." One is a temperature-related characteristic of a physical object, and the other is a small furry mammal.
And, unlike "hot" and "cold," they can't ever be identical. Under some circumstances, a squirrel can have the characteristic of being hot, but there are no circumstances under which "squirrel" and "hot" are the same thing.
Aren't you supposed to be doing homework or something?
Comic #216
July 1 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The math works, I guess.
Why a clam? I don't know. Probably because of the phrase "happy as a clam."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Don't you ever feel sorry for Cathy, the way she suffers the agonies of hell over things like somebody having ugly shoes? It must be awful to have such a shallow mind.
No, I don't feel sorry for her. That would be like feeling sorry for a clam that's being cooked.
A clam could be said to experience happiness and sadness on a very rudimentary level-- at least, when good or bad things happen to it, its body starts producing chemicals that are produced in human bodies during happiness and sadness.
But it has no brain, so it can't FEEL happiness and sadness in any sense that humans could relate to. So it's pointless for a human to feel sorry for a clam.
But Cathy isn't a clam. She can feel emotions. She can suffer.
Yes, but her awareness of her own suffering is as far below mine as a clam's awareness is below hers.
That's not true. A clam has NO awareness of its suffering.
Yes, and I have twice as much awareness of my suffering as Cathy has of hers.
That's true. You analyze your every misfortune from a dozen different scientific perspectives, while Cathy just says, "That sucks. You suck. Life sucks. I'm going to go sulk now." But that doesn't mean you're as far above her as--
Yes it does! If a clam has no awareness, and I have twice as much awareness as Cathy, then we can assign an awareness level of 0 to a clam, a level of 1 to Cathy, and a level of 2 to me... thus proving mathematically that my awareness level is exactly as far above hers as hers is above a clam's.
See what I mean about you analyzing things too much?
Comic #217
July 2 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: you said ABBY analyzed things too much?
Actually, dividing by zero causes problems in math because of the algebraic property, "if A divided by B equals C, then C times B equals A." If any greater-than-zero number divided by zero really equals infinity, then infinity times zero would equal every greater-than-zero number, and that doesn't make sense.
So either you can't divide by zero, or that algebraic property doesn't apply to zero. But in real-world applications, dividing by zero yields results that look like infinity. More on that later.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hans, we need your help. Abby says she has mathematically proved that her level of consciousness is as far above Cathy's as Cathy's level of consciousness is above a clam's.
It's based on the information that a clam's level of consciousness is zero, and that my level of consciousness is twice as high as Cathy's.
Hmm. That works, if you're going by addition and subtraction. If you really are twice as conscious as Cathy, then your consciousness level minus hers is the same as hers minus zero.
But it doesn't work if you're going by multiplication and division. From that perspective, your consciousness is higher than Cathy's by a factor of two, but her consciousness is higher than a clam's by a factor of infinity, since a clam's is zero and hers is greater than zero.
Wait-- doesn't that math require you to divide by zero?
I can divide by zero. It just usually isn't useful, because I always get infinity.
Comic #218
July 3 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Hans has an interesting take on math. Not necessarily bad, but... interesting.
My plans for ending world hunger involve convincing everybody to stop wanting to eat at all. This would doubtlessly end world hunger. And a lot of other things.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wait, wait. I usually trust your math skills, Hans-- but now you're saying it's possible to divide by zero?
Well, in mathematics it doesn't really work... it leads to a paradox. But in practical applications, it works out as if dividing by zero always got you infinity.
Suppose you have a 12-quart jug and a 6-quart bowl. You'd have to empty the bowl into the jug 2 times in order to fill it. That's a word problem for "12 divided by 6 equals 2."
If you had a 4-quart bowl, you'd have to empty it 3 times to fill the jug... hence "12 divided by 4 equals 3." If you had a 1-quart bowl, you'd have to empty it 12 times, because "12 divided by 1 equals 12."
So?
So, suppose that, instead of a bowl, you had a perfectly flat plate that couldn't hold any water at all. Then the number of times you'd have to empty it into the jug would be infinite-- you could do it for any amount of time and get no result. And that would be true no matter how big the jug was.
Yeah, I guess that's kind of a word problem for "any greater-than-zero number divided by zero equals infinity."
Wanna hear another one?
Suppose you have to traverse a 30-foot path. If you could move at 15 feet per second, it'd take you 2 seconds. If you could move at 3 feet per second, it'd take you 10 seconds. But if you couldn't move at all, you could sit there as long as you wanted and never finish.
Okay, but what if I'm, like, trying to divide up apples among people? If I have ten apples and each person wants two apples, I can feed five people. But if I have ten apples and nobody wants any apples, that doesn't mean I can feed an infinite number of people. It means I can't feed anyone.
But you have ENOUGH APPLES for an infinite number of people.
Whatever. My plans for ending world hunger still don't involve convincing everybody to stop liking apples.
Comic #219
July 4 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I really believe most women are non-anorexic only because of lack of willpower.
Apparently Abby's leisure reading includes big books with photos of fashion models in them. I suspect it is some form of sociology text.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Don't you have homework to do?
I'll do it on the weekend.
You're procrastinating, Abby. You need to work on your willpower.
No, I don't. Willpower is dangerous. It causes anorexia.
What?
Look at this fashion model. Virtually all the women in the nation want to look like her, because that's what society expects women to look like. You're not fully accepted in society unless you look like this model.
So why don't most women look like her? Because in order to be that thin, they'd have to starve themselves... and they don't have enough willpower to starve themselves. But anorexic women DO have the willpower to starve themselves, so they are able to achieve every normal woman's goal.
So the only difference between an anorexic woman and an average woman is that the anorexic woman has willpower. Therefore, if an average woman develops willpower, she will BECOME anorexic.
That's ridiculous, Abby. And what does that have to do with you, anyway? You're not average. You don't give a crap what society expects. You probably don't even give a crap about looking like that model.
Ha! I've got you now, Abby! If you say you don't want to look like her, then your argument is ruined. But if you say you DO want to look like her, then you're admitting that you have something in common with normal people!
I hate you.
Comic #220
July 7 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: No, actually, the N-word is 'normal.' We use the euphemism 'neurotypical.'
Next we debate the relative levels of derogatoriness of the words "nerd," geek," "dweeb" and "dork."
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've been thinking, Abby, and I'm not sure it's okay for us to call ourselves "nerds."
I mean, it's a word that was developed specifically to demean and dehumanize students who wanted to do well in school. Has the world forgotten what a nightmare that persecution was? Many people like us were even physically abused by popular kids.
But now it's the computer age, and being a nerd is cool. We got the last laugh.
That's not completely true. The abuse is still going on. And in any case, it's not a good idea to forget the word's dark origins.
Nobody's forgetting them. But as long as the word has negative connotations, it can still be used as a weapon. If we make it into a good word, no one can use it to hurt anyone anymore.
Yes they can. If they say it with the intent to hurt, then it'll hurt, no matter what! And anyway, if we make it into a good word, they'll just invent a new bad word.
So take that one away from them too! Keep turning their bad words into good words until they give up!
Are you guys talking about the N-word? I thought that got buried last year.
Unfortunately, another N-word survived.
Comic #221
July 8 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: And they say autistics are self-centered.
Anyone who loved Cathy would seriously have to compete with her for her love.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's wrong, Cathy?
I've just met the hottest guy on the planet, and I think I'm seriously in love, but it's not going to work out. It's too much of a love triangle.
A love triangle? So there's a third person?
No, it's just me and him. But it's still a love triangle. I care about him-- but he cares about himself, too.
That's not a love triangle. That's normal.
No, it's not normal! I shouldn't have to compete with him for his attention! He should only be paying attention to ME, not himself!
But it's like he has a life of his own! Some of his friends aren't my friends! Some of his interests aren't my interests! Some of his pastimes don't involve me!
Um... people are supposed to have lives of their own, Cathy.
No they're not! Everyone's life is supposed to revolve around ME!
See why your love affairs never last?
Comic #222
July 9 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A starving hyena that got hit by a truck full of hair spray.
I think it's not her face that launched them, but other body parts.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How does Cathy get all the guys, anyway?
The attraction has to be physical-- nobody would like her for her personality. But I don't think she's that pretty, either. I think she looks like a starving hyena.
Whenever I look at her, I think, "Holy crap, is THIS the face that launched a thousand relationships?"
Well, they never stayed afloat longer than a month.
That's what happens to relationships that are launched that way.
Comic #223
July 10
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Wait, Cathy knows what the word 'literally' means?
I wonder if it is literally possible to freeze your butt off. I know people have lost fingers and toes to frostbite, and when I'm cold my butt is usually one of the first parts to go numb, but I don't think it could actually turn black and drop off. I might be wrong, though.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How can you eat so much and not be grossly obese?
Because I actually work when I'm on the job.
You feel as if you have to starve yourself because you don't get any exercise-- you spend your whole shift polishing your nails and gossiping. But I'm running around all day stocking books, so I burn enough calories that I can eat a square meal without my rear end getting abnormally huge.
So you LITERALLY work your butt off.
Well, only a few pounds of it at a time.
Comic #224
July 11
But a jackrabbit can be either male or female. Go figure.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I heard that Becky just bought a jill.
A what?
A pet ferret. It's female. Female ferrets are called "jills."
Why the heck are they called that?
Well, it follows a pattern, doesn't it? After all, many male animals are described by putting a male name before the name for the animal. A "tomcat" is a male cat; a "billy goat" is a male goat; a "jackass" is a male donkey.
That's what "jackass" really means? I didn't know that.
Yeah. And sometimes the animal name is left off entirely-- for instance, sometimes a tomcat is just called a "tom." So why not call a female ferret a "jill"?
How come I still fail to see how this logically makes sense?
Because Hans-humans are stupider than Abby-humans.
Comic #225
July 14 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Karen is perfectly capable of taking offense.
Actually, it sort of makes sense to care more about the unwanted dogs than the unwanted humans, since the unwanted humans won't be euthanized if they can't find homes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So my friend was saying she was going to get a purebred dog from a breeder, and I told her that's just really, really wrong. There are so many unwanted dogs in the Humane Society, you really have no business getting one anywhere except there.
Excuse me? You have two children.
What?
You have chosen to breed two purebred children of your own, instead of adopting one of the millions of unwanted children in orphanages all over the world. You care about the fate of unwanted dogs, but you don't care about the fate of unwanted humans.
I-- you-- ah--
Don't complain, honey. You knew this was the kind of conversation you'd get when you invited Abby to dinner.
Excuse me? I'M one of her kids.
Comic #226
July 15 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Silly Abby, leaving her phone on.
My husband does the same thing Hans does. It annoys the crap out of me. I spent a whole minute leaving that message, dang it, and now I have to say it all again?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Abby. I noticed you tried to call my phone while I was away. What's up?
Did you get my message?
No, I never listen to voice mail messages. I figure it's quicker just to call people back and ask them what they wanted to say.
Well, my message said, "Call me back, but not until 3:30, because I have a 1:00-3:00 class."
Oops.
Comic #227
July 16 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Allison is probably blond. Blond dreadlocks are very hard to make good-looking.
We can start calling dreadlocks "knotted and combined locks," complete with the accent on the "e" in "combined" that maintains the rhythm of the iambic pentameter. This would make them a lot more fun to talk about.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe Allison in sociology class got dreadlocks. She looks ridiculous.
I wonder why they're called "dreadlocks."
Dunno. Maybe people imagine that's what your hair looks like when you're scared.
No-- remember the scene where Hamlet's father's ghost tells him how terrifying his experiences have been? He says it would cause "thy knotted and combined locks to part, and each particular hair to stand on end, like quills upon the fretful porpentine."
So according to Shakespeare himself, dread doesn't cause dreadlocks-- it can actually UNTANGLE them.
I think the "fretful porpentine" look would probably suit Allison better.
Comic #228
July 17 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Teachers should hire professional test-writers, just so I can be one.
If Abby were a teacher, the youth of America would be: a) challenged and stimulated to learn, b) encouraged to rebel and take over the world, c) confused the heck out of, or d) all of the above.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I like to come up with questions that could be on a test.
Like this: A car and a truck travel from New York to Chicago. For the entire trip, the car is ten miles behind the truck. Does this mean: a) the truck is going ten miles per hour faster than the car, b) the car is going ten miles per hour faster than the truck, or c) they're going the same speed?
It's a simple problem-- if the distance between them has stayed the same for the whole trip, they must be going the same speed-- but I bet a lot of people would answer A.
Or, in a biology class, you could ask: If two individuals have 96% identical DNA, does this mean they are: a) twins, b) siblings, c) cousins, d) the same race, e) the same species, or f) none of the above?
I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't get that one, but the answer really is "none of the above." Chimpanzees have more than 96% the same DNA as humans. There's less than 1% genetic variation within the human species. Tiny bits of DNA can make a huge difference.
I think of such awesome questions. Do you think I should offer them to my professors to put on tests?
Yeah, I bet they'll be thrilled to give you tests that YOU wrote the questions for.
Comic #229
July 18 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Philosophy can be silly.
"Because" is the worst answer anyone can give to anything... but then, "Why" is just about the worst question, too.
TEXT OF COMIC:
For centuries, philosophers have asked one simple, basic question, without ever finding an answer. That question is "Why?"
Why what?
Why everything! You can't ask for specifics with that question! It is THE question! It is too general and enormous for us to cut down its meaning with extra words and details!
Well, I have an answer-- the perfect answer. An answer that is just as vast and wide in meaning as the question itself.
And that answer would be?
"Because."
Comic #230
July 21 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Maybe you have to specify the type of cattle: 'one Holstein,' 'one Angus.'
Is there a slang word for cattle, like "pooch" for dog or "porker" for pig? You could use the singular of that. But I can't think of one.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is there a gender-neutral singular form of the word "cattle"?
What?
"Cattle" is plural. What's the singular? We have the words "cow" and "bull," but those are gender-specific. Is there a singular form of "cattle" that doesn't specify a gender?
Well, I guess a lot of people use "cow" as a gender-neutral word, even though properly it only refers to female cattle.
But that's wrong.
What do you want? You could say "a bovine," but that would include buffalo and bison and stuff.
What if the singular form of "cattle" were "cat"?
That would be confusing.
I think I'll stick with the phrase "one head of cattle."
Comic #231
July 22 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: B.S. stands for Bovine Scatology, according to an acquaintance of mine.
A mincemeat pie could be a cow pie, I guess, if you made it with beef.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know how the word "cow" is only correct in referring to female cattle?
Yeah, you were just ranting about that.
Well, then technically a cow pie is only a cow pie when it's produced by a female! What do you call it when it's made by a bull?
I'll give you a hint: It's the same word I'm about to use to describe this conversation.
Ha ha.
Comic #232
July 23 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Most cowboy movies aren't intended primarily as love stories, though.
When I got this idea, I Googled it, in direct violation of strip #73. Needless to say, I was disappointed. There are no original ideas in the world.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What should we do tonight?
I dunno. We could watch a movie. I have "Brokeback Mountain" on DVD.
I don't want to watch "Brokeback Mountain."
What, you don't like gay movies?
I don't like cowboy movies.
Brokeback Mountain isn't a cowboy movie. The characters aren't really cowboys.
No, but they act like the cowboys in cowboy movies. Macho. Inarticulate. They beat each other up more than they have sex. It's an abusive relationship, so it completely fails as a love story. And so do all cowboy movies, in my opinion.
Can't you do anything besides ruin other people's enjoyment of popular media?
The only cowboy movie I would ever watch would be one where the Marlboro Man looks at a cigarette and says, "I wish I knew how to quit you."
Comic #233
July 24 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Cowboys of the Round Table just doesn't have the right ring.
Let's hope the dragon wins. I like dragons better than knights or cowboys.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What do you mean, you don't like cowboy movies?
I just don't. Cowboys are annoying.
What do you mean? You like movies about knights. And cowboys are basically the same thing. You know, the horses, the duels, the chivalry, the legends.
I don't think so. I think the world would be a lot more awesome if all cowboys became knights.
You think George W. Bush should become a knight?
Yeah! "I hereby dubya Sir George!"
Comic #234
July 25 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Star Trek the Motion Picture: boldly going where Nomad has gone before.
Geez, Ron, if you can do THAT, then why don't you just talk in ordinary sentences and then follow up every sentence with the same thing spelled backwards? It'd still be palindromic, and sure, half of what you said wouldn't make any sense, but it would let you talk a lot more freely.
Oh well... I guess you're a purist. You'll only do something like this if you absolutely have to. Well, we respect your differences, Ron. Now let's go watch mutamitlU enruoB ehT.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You want to watch a movie with us, Ron? I've got a bunch of DVD's, including that one series of movies with Matt Damon.
Hey, I just realized "Damon" is "Nomad" spelled backwards. Can you make a palindrome out of that, Ron?
Damon, a sierra mama marries a nomad!
Wow! That was... hey, wait a second.
That wasn't a palindrome! To make that into a palindrome, you'd have to transpose the "i" and "e" in either the word "marries" or the word "sierra"!
Hey, Norma! Hey, everyone! Ron made a mistake! Ron said something that wasn't a palindrome!
...Umm... mmu... damon a seirram amam arreis a nomad.
Nice save.
Comic #235
July 28 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I got this idea in a dream. It was a lot more funny to me when I was asleep.
It's kind of like how you can say "Celebrity deaths always come in threes," because celebrity deaths actually happen at a pretty constant rate throughout the year, so you can count three and then start on the next three that come along, and then the next three, and so on.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It occurred to me that you can make any story have a happy ending if you find a happy part in it and end the story there.
Like "Romeo and Juliet." You could cut it off when they get married in Friar Laurence's cell.
But that leaves a lot of loose ends. What about the rest of the story?
You can make it into the beginning of a sequel, and then add an ending that's all about the two families living happily together for years after Romeo and Juliet die. The sequel would have a sad part in it, but the ending would be happy.
You can't just go writing sequels to all the sad stories in the world!
Yeah, I guess you're right.
That's why I prefer real life. In real life, there's always a sequel. In real life, people can say "Things always turn out all right in the end," because we get to decide what point we call "the end."
I don't know. To me, "the end" in real life is when your life ends.
Unfortunately, no one's life has a happy ending.
Comic #236
July 29 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Cynical Abby.
This topic is too big for one strip. There will be more of the same tomorrow.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder what will happen if we find a way to keep people from dying of old age. Will it start being considered an inalienable right?
I mean, think about it. Back when we didn't have insulin injections, insulin-dependent diabetes killed pretty much everyone who had it. There wasn't really a way to stay alive with insulin-dependent diabetes, so no one said that you had a right to.
But now you can stay alive if you have insulin, and so denying people insulin is considered a violation of human rights. When we invent a way to survive old age, will we start thinking people have a right to that, too? I mean, old age is also a condition that currently kills everyone who gets it.
I don't think so. I mean, before insulin injections were invented, most people agreed that there SHOULD be a treatment for diabetes. But a whole lot of people think that there SHOULDN'T be a cure for old age. If everyone could survive old age, the planet would be overcrowded.
You're wrong. More people die from diseases than from old age. Curing cancer and heart disease would be a lot worse than curing old age, in terms of overpopulation.
Maybe in the short term. But if you cured people's diseases, they'd still eventually die. If you cured old age, some people might never die. And there'd keep being more and more of them.
Preventing death from disease is just prolonging life. Preventing death from old age is making life PERMANENT.
Not if you do it by killing everyone when they're young.
Comic #237
July 30 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Life would be a lot simpler if everyone were immortal and infertile.
The worst would be curing old age AND disease.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Seriously, though-- which would be worse, in terms of overpopulation? Curing old age, or curing all disease?
Well, if you made it so that nobody would ever die of disease, they would still eventually die of old age.
But if you made it so nobody could die of old age, they would still eventually die of disease or accidents. I mean, get real. Nobody can avoid danger and germs for an infinite amount of time.
But they'd live a lot longer than they should.
And are we assuming that these people could still continue having children even when they were hundreds of years old? And that they'd want to? Because we also have to take into account how many new births we're causing.
I mean, disease kills a lot of people who haven't reproduced yet, while old age kills mainly people who have already had as many kids as they wanted. So if we cured disease, the extra births that would cause might bring unmanageable overpopulation-- whereas if we cured old age, it might not be so bad.
But if people stayed fertile for hundreds of years, and had all that time to raise more children, they might want to.
And that would be interesting. People would be like birds, able to fill the nest again every time it got empty. I wonder what social changes would happen.
Ugh, I don't want to think about it. What we need to cure is reproduction.
Comic #238
July 31 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'm surprised Abby even has a wall clock.
If your stopped clock tells AM and PM, it's only right once a day.
If it tells the day, it's only right once a week.
If it tells the date, it's only right once a year.
If it tells the day AND the date, it's only right once every... seven years? No, you've got to take leap years into account. Ah, screw it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, your wall clock isn't working.
Yeah, but a stopped clock is right twice a day.
You should get it fixed. Twice a day isn't enough.
Actually, it's better than most clocks.
A working clock, is never, ever EXACTLY right. It's always off by a minute, or a second, or a millisecond. But twice a day, MY clock is absolutely 100% accurate, down to the tiniest fraction of an instant. That's better than the most accurate clocks in the most high-tech labs in the nation.
But only twice a day.
Better than nothing.
Comic #239
August 1 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I hate having a science fiction. Science fictions hurt. Make it stop.
Medicines that have "dry mouth" as a side effect usually also dry out any other parts of you that are supposed to be moist, including your sinuses. This can be very annoying.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know what I hate most about sinus infections?
The pain? The loss of your sense of smell?
The fact that they're a side effect of SSRI antidepressants that dry out your mucous membranes, so by making you sick and miserable, they're actually defeating the purpose of the medications that cause them?
Good guess. But actually, the part I hate most is that when I say the words "sinus infection" when I have a sinus infection, it always comes out sounding like "science fiction," so people think I'm trying to have a literary discussion when I'm actually just complaining about my ailments.
Poor you.
I need sinuses like I need holes in my head.
Comic #240
August 4 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I agree.
This happens to me sometimes, too.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh, I think I just saw a piece of jewelry or something on the ground.
Oh, never mind, it's just a piece of a candy wrapper. Ew. Now I have to wash my hands.
Hey, don't put it back down. It's litter.
So? It's not against the law to leave someone else's litter lying on the ground.
But it is against the law to put litter on the ground yourself. It doesn't matter if it was originally yours or if you just picked it up.
What? Sure it matters! If you found it on the ground, you can put it back on the ground!
So I could pick up a candy wrapper in the street, carry it to the park and throw it on the grass, and I wouldn't get in trouble?
Well... I guess you could get in trouble then. But it's okay to put it down right where you found it.
What about five inches from where you found it? What about five feet? Is there a specific distance limit at which it becomes illegal?
I'm betting you've given this a lot more thought than the lawmakers have.
Comic #241
August 5 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I doubt lawsuits over agates are very common, though.
My uncle called me "sophomoric" when I brought up this issue. I was not insulted, since I was a sophomore at the time.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You really think I give laws more thought than the lawmakers give them?
Sure. Remember when you went on vacation to Lake Superior, and you had that big moral crisis about the definition of "property" as applies to people's land on the lakefront?
Yeah! When people own lakefront property, everything up to the shoreline belongs to them, but the lake itself is public property. So how do we deal with the fact that the surf is always going in and out, and the border between public and private property changes by several feet every few seconds?
I mean, you could be wading along the shoreline perfectly legally, and then the surf would go way out and all of a sudden you'd be trespassing-- without you having moved at all!
See what I mean?
And if you found a valuable agate and wanted to keep it, you'd have to prove that it had been UNDERWATER at the moment you picked it up!
Comic #242
August 6 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes. A language of its own THAT DOES NOT FOLLOW THAT RULE.
I actually was on a newsgroup once with some people who thought the way Norma does in this strip. It was a very alienating experience.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm having a debate with some friends on the internet, Abby. Maybe you can help.
When people on an internet forum are discussing the FAQ of a website, should they say "a FAQ" or "an FAQ"? You're supposed to say "a" when it starts with a consonant, right?
Only if it's PRONOUNCED as if it starts with a consonant.
For instance, the word "honest" starts with a consonant, but it's pronounced as if it started with a vowel-- so we say "an honest person" instead of "a honest person."
And as for "FAQ," most people pronounce it "eff-ay-cue" instead of sounding it out like "fak." So it's best to say "an FAQ."
But on the internet you don't pronounce it at all. When you're in an environment where you're writing instead of speaking, shouldn't you just go by what kind of letter it starts with, instead of how it sounds?
By that logic, people on the internet should always say "a honest person," "an one-hour movie," and "an unicorn."
So? What's wrong with that? Internet talk is already a language of its own.
Comic #243
August 7 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's usual all-topic liberal rant.
She's right, you know.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think the phrase "white trash" is racist.
Racist against white people?
No, against all other races!
Why do you think that?
"White" is the only race that is commonly specified before the word "trash." Therefore, the phrase "white trash" implies that trash is NON-white by default.
It implies that if you just say "trash," it's assumed NOT to be white, so if it is white, you have to specify-- but you DON'T have to specify if it's any other race, because then it just goes without saying.
That's racist. In reality, at least as many white people are "trash" as any other race.
True. And most of the stuff in my trash can is white, too.
Well, you should recycle more of your paper.
Comic #244
August 8 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Or pull them out from under you.
Those tags are actually pretty hard to remove.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh, you cut the tags off your chair cushions. You're gonna get in trouble.
You know perfectly well that the tags on cushions and mattresses actually say "Not to be removed EXCEPT BY CONSUMER." It's only a crime to remove them if you're someone at the store or the factory.
But you're not a "consumer." You're not going to CONSUME those cushions, are you? I bet they wouldn't taste any good.
Shut up before I feed them to you.
Comic #245
August 11 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Today is a good day I think to ask why I have arms in the first place.
A headstand would be more likely.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder why the Tyrannosaurus Rex was a biped.
The only reason to walk on two limbs is because you need the other two for something else. Like, humans walk on our hind limbs because our front limbs are arms for holding tools, and birds walk on their hind limbs because their front limbs are wings for flying.
But the Tyrannosaurus didn't use its front limbs for anything, as far as we know. They were tiny.
Maybe THAT'S why he didn't walk on them.
I'm trying to imagine a Tyrannosaurus doing a handstand. It's not working very well.
Comic #246
August 12 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: which is worse, prostitution of the body or prostitution of the mind?
Actually, I think every job involves leasing both your body AND your mind. There is no job that is one hundred percent mental or one hundred percent physical.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder why prostitution is referred to as "selling your body."
It isn't selling, it's leasing. And every job involves leasing out your body. Or your mind. Or both.
I wonder how you could actually SELL your body.
I guess if you promised some scientist that you'd donate him your remains for research if he paid you money during your life.
Comic #247
August 13 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: then we're on a twenty-wheeler!
Actually, some people seem to say "third wheel" without thinking about a vehicle at all, but only thinking about the fact that there are two relevant people and the third one is unwanted.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you talking about, guys?
We're having a grown-up conversation, Karen. Go play in the other room. You're a fifth wheel right now.
What do you mean, a fifth wheel?
It means something extra that isn't needed right now.
I thought that was called a "third wheel."
I've heard both. I think when people say "third wheel," the metaphorical vehicle they have in mind is a bicycle, whereas when they say "fifth wheel" they're thinking of a car or truck.
If I'm a fifth wheel, we're on an eighteen-wheeler.
No, then you'd be a nineteenth wheel.
Comic #248
August 14 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: How do you add probabilities, anyway?
Neither will I.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is it going to rain today?
Watch the weather forecast on TV, Karen. How would I know?
But Mom, what the weather man says only turns out to be true about three-quarters of the time.
Well, that's better than listening to your sister, who only tells the truth half the time, or your father, who only tells the truth a quarter of the time. Now go away and let me rest.
Hey, Sharon, when is the weather forecast on?
About an hour ago. I didn't see it, but Dad did. He says they gave us a 10% chance of rain.
Hmm. If what Mom says is true, then there's a 50% chance that there's a 25% chance that there's a 75% chance that there's a 10% chance that it'll rain today. Do you have a calculator?
I will never understand math.
Comic #249
August 15 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: She'll say racist things to any race, even her own, just to say something mean.
She actually likes people, deep down. She'd be sad if she had no people to attack.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you think Cathy is racist?
I never thought about that. Do you?
Well, I heard her saying pretty nasty things to some black and Hispanic students.
She says nasty things to everybody.
I don't really think she hates any particular race more than others. I think she just hates everyone. Which is probably worse, since it means she ends up treating a lot more people like crap than she would if she were racist.
Why would someone who hates people become such a socialite?
The more social interaction you have, the more people you get to have catfights with.
Comic #250
August 18 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: this comic is fantasy, because people can't really look like comic characters.
If science fiction is stuff that could happen but hasn't happened yet, then what if I write a story about aliens on another planet living their daily lives three thousand years ago? Is that science fiction? It could happen, but according to my story, it's happening in the past, not the future, so it has happened. And it doesn't even necessarily involve any science or technology.
And what if I write a story that includes aliens and robots but also wizards and witches? Is it both science fiction and fantasy? Clearly these definitions need some work.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's so hard to define the difference between fantasy and science fiction.
What do you mean? Fantasy is stuff that could never happen. Science fiction is stuff that could happen but hasn't happened yet.
But does that mean that bad science fiction is fantasy? I mean, what if a book is marketed as science fiction, but the science is all wrong and the stuff that happens in the story could never really happen?
Well... I don't know. I guess books like that are still science fiction.
And what about when people disagree about whether something could really happen? A story about ghosts or angels wouldn't be fantasy to someone who believed in ghosts or angels, but it would be fantasy to someone who didn't believe in them.
Whether the holy book of any religion is fantasy depends on whether you believe in that religion! Fantasy is subjective! It's a matter of opinion! Any book can be fantasy if you don't believe in it!
I guess coming up with a real definition is just a fantasy.
Comic #251
August 19 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Presumably, popular guys like popular movies and music.
This theme for popular music includes the scenario where the woman barely knows the man exists, as well as the scenario where the woman used to love the man but doesn't anymore. Other themes, like "I'm alone and I don't know anyone I could ever love and I'm unhappy about that," or "I'm together with the person I love and I'm happy," are way way behind.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate popular music.
Far and away the most popular theme for song lyrics is the one where a man wants a woman who doesn't want him, and the whole song consists of him begging her to go out with him.
Same with movies. There's always a guy who falls in love with a girl, and she isn't interested, but he keeps bugging her about it, and finally she gives in and they live happily ever after.
What's the deal with popular movies and music? No means no! There is nothing sexy or romantic about a guy who keeps putting pressure on you to date him after you've said no!
Not that YOU'D ever say no if anyone ever showed any interest in you.
Hey, I'm not desperate enough to date a popular guy.
Comic #252
August 20 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: No regreb. No, sirrah.
Harrison Bergeron, like Erika Hammerschmidt, is the perfect sort of name for writing a Higgledy Piggledy. I must begin on this at once.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I read this sort of semi-science-fiction story once. It was about a future where the government decided that TREATING people equally wasn't enough-- people had to actually BE equal.
What did that mean?
It meant that everyone who had a natural advantage, like above-average strength or intelligence, got "handicapped" down to a normal level.
Strong people had to carry around heavy weights to make it harder for them to use their strength, and intelligent people had to wear earphones that made distracting noises to keep them from thinking too much.
But the trouble with that idea is that it wouldn't really create equality. There aren't just average and above-average people, there are also people of BELOW-average strength and intelligence-- all the way down to people who are paralyzed and brain-dead.
And if you can't cure them, you have to handicap everyone down to their level-- otherwise there's still inequality.
Well, that WOULD solve a lot of the world's problems.
So would blowing up the planet.
Comic #253
August 21 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: No, Ren and Stimpy are weird. I am standing by this pronouncement.
You have a very limited range of channels when nothing at all is on except reruns of Ren and Stimpy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Nothing's on TV except reruns of "Ren and Stimpy."
Oh, I remember them! It's been a long time since I've seen them.
Which one's Ren and which one's Stimpy?
Ren is the dog, and Stimpy is the cat.
Which one's the dog and which one's the cat?
The dog is the one that looks like a cat. The cat is the one that looks like a dog.
Neither of them looks like a dog or a cat to me.
Well, you're weird.
Comic #254
August 22 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Balloon: container for helium. Or for comic strip dialogue.
Bureau: container for clothes.
Barn: container for cows.
Boot: container for foot.
Bathtub: container for bath water.
Bathroom: container for bathtub.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Box. Bag.
Bowl. Beaker. Bottle.
Basket. Bucket. Barrel. Basin. Bin.
Are you making a list of containers that start with B?
Yes. There are way too many.
How about "brain"? It's evidently a container for useless information.
Comic #255
August 25 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Crying out loud indeed.
Oh, here's Ron again. Yay. I love him.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Abby! Hi, Ron!
Hi! I think Ron's trying to invite us to a party, but he won't tell me the date and time.
Probably because it isn't a palindrome. Let me try.
Hey, Ron. When's the party? Is it this month?
Mm-hmm.
Is it before the 30th?
Mm-hmm.
Is it before the 27th?
Mm-mm.
OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY TO ANSWER AN OPEN-ENDED QUESTION PALINDROMICALLY!
Aaa! Noise lesion! Aaa!
Oh, shut up. If my voice could really injure your ears, it would have happened a long time ago.
Comic #256
August 26 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'Apples to Apples' is a word palindrome, like 'King, are you glad you are king?'
I am unamused by your cheap jokes at the expense of the palindromically restricted.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So we're going to Ron's party tomorrow?
Yeah. Won't that be fun?
Oh, yeah. Imagine a party at Ron's! We'd play Apples to Apples, and then we'd eat cake, and then we'd exchange gifts... and then we'd eat cake, and then we'd play Apples to Apples.
And we'd watch two episodes of Star Trek back-to-back.
Literally! The second one would be the same episode played in reverse!
LOL.
Oh, don't get mad, Ron. I think it'll be awesome!
Comic #257
August 27 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Art! (Xenon extra.)
He couldn't think of a way to work in "Dorm! Integrate target, nimrod!"
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, here we are in Ron's dorm building.
Dorm! In, nimrod!
What did he call me?
Nothing, Abby. That's just his way of inviting us into his dorm. Come on.
Wow. Look at all the pictures on the walls!
These are awesome! All sorts of little tiny random images put together. Are they collages?
No, they're paintings! You can tell if you look close. Whoever did these has some real talent.
Do you think...
Well, they ARE all perfectly symmetrical.
Comic #258
August 28 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes, this whole story arc was built around that palindrome.
Sports fields are pleasingly symmetrical.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So are you a Fine Arts major, Ron? Your paintings are amazing.
Yeah-- I never would've guessed. I always assumed you were aiming at being a professional sports player or something.
Really? You thought that about Ron?
Well, he's an athletic-looking guy, and it's something you can do without having to talk much.
But I was totally wrong, I guess. You aren't in sports, are you, Ron?
O, no, no, no!
I'm Arts. A pro sport lacks a mask, caltrops, or pastrami.
Umm... and your art doesn't lack those things?
It's pretty Dada. I wouldn't be surprised.
Comic #259
August 29 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Bats never even stab.
Only if I get to put it back under her afterwards.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Thanks for inviting us over, Ron. You're a great pal.
Haha! Get it? "Pal"! It's a pun on "palindrome"!
Don't hurt her, Ron. I know she makes awful jokes, but if you're going to be her pal, you don't get to beat her up.
Pals never even slap?
Well, the worst I ever do is pull her chair out from under her. I'll let you do it this time if you want.
Comic #260
September 1 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Voldemord nil applications. Hmmm... no, doesn't work.
The reverse Kama Sutra results in many unplanned pregnancies, since it requires the application of birth control after the act of love is completed.
It is also uncomfortable, as most of it happens under the bed.
TEXT OF COMIC:
That was an awesome party, Ron. We really had fun.
Yay!
Before we go, there's something I've always wanted to ask you. Is it possible to make a palindrome containing the word "palindrome"?
Never.
Never EVER, even.
Of course not, Norma. There is no word or series of words that contains the sequence of letters "emordnilap."
But I bet you could make a palindrome using the word "reverse." That word's almost a palindrome already.
Art: USA makes reverse Kama Sutra!
If that is the title of one of your paintings, I want to see it.
Comic #261
September 2 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Cathy seems to be rich as well as snobby.
A powder compact dabbed heavily with mascara, eyeshadow, blush and lipstick. A ruined and utterly useless powder compact, essentially.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Notice anything different about me?
You lost another 60 pounds? No, that can't be it-- I think that would make you disappear altogether.
I got facial surgery! I had my nose bobbed, my lips enhanced--
You look the same to me. I can't see the difference under all your makeup.
Wait-- there's a FACE under there? I always thought the front of Cathy's head was a giant powder compact or something.
Aren't you going to congratulate me?
I don't see why. Being proud of looking good after cosmetic surgery is like being proud of winning a game when you cheated.
That's a stupid analogy. If I looked this way naturally, I wouldn't have any reason to be proud at all, because I wouldn't have DONE anything to make myself this way.
So how is this any different? You didn't do the surgery on yourself. I can imagine your surgeon being proud, but not you. All you did was agree to pay a ridiculous amount of money to have someone cut holes in your face.
AND I'M PROUD OF THAT.
Congratulations.
Comic #262
September 3 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby believes that she herself is naturally beautiful.
It's okay to be proud of being lucky enough to be smart. But it's not okay to be proud of being lucky enough to be pretty. And it's absolutely not okay to be proud of being smart at the science of making yourself look pretty.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So Cathy really got facial surgery.
So she says. And I can't see any reason why she'd be lying. But she looks the same as always.
Maybe she used to have to wear more makeup in order to look like that. Maybe she got the surgery to save money on makeup.
That would make sense. In a twisted Cathy-logic sort of way.
But as much as I hate to admit it, she has a good point on the subject of feeling proud. Having surgery to look pretty isn't any less worthy of pride than looking pretty naturally. In either case, you didn't make any accomplishments yourself. In either case, none of your own skill is involved.
I guess the only way you can be good-looking through your own skill is if you put on makeup.
But that's cheating, too.
Beauty is a game of luck, not skill. If you aren't lucky enough to be naturally beautiful, then either you lose the game or you cheat.
Is it okay to be proud of being lucky?
Comic #263
September 4 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: All rules have exceptions except the rule that all rules have exceptions.
Life isn't logical, Abby.
The phrase "the exception that proves the rule" originally meant "the exception that tests the rule"-- the word "prove" used to have an alternate meaning related to "probe."
But nowadays, everyone uses that phrase as if it meant, "All rules have exceptions, therefore if it has an exception, it must be a rule." (Which is a logical fallacy in itself, since "all A are B" doesn't mean the same as "all B are A.") I want the old meaning back. *pout*
TEXT OF COMIC:
Rats. I hate it when Cathy says something smart. It upsets the natural order of things.
Calm down, Abby. Maybe this is just the exception that proves the rule.
I hate that phrase, too.
It's illogical. In logic, exceptions are called "counterexamples," and they don't prove rules, they DISPROVE them.
Besides, that phrase itself is a logical paradox. If all rules have exceptions, then the rule that all rules have exceptions must have an exception, and therefore NOT all rules have exceptions. So if it is true, then it is false. It's inherently contradictory.
Kind of like saying "This sentence is a lie," huh?
Sort of. But only halfway.
In the case of the statement "This sentence is a lie," if it's true it's false AND if it's false it's true. But in the case of the statement "All rules have exceptions," if it's true it's false, but if it's false that doesn't necessarily mean it's true. So I think it's false, since that's the less paradoxical option.
Can you take any consolation in the knowledge that Cathy would not have been able to understand this conversation?
Mmm... yeah, I guess the natural order of things is still working in that respect.
Comic #264
September 5 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Elect-Ion.
Schroedinger's Cat might actually be a donkey or an elephant.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It occurred to me that the word "election" is only one letter away from "electron."
I think we should elect an electron for President. It could be both Democratic and Republican at the same time-- thus making EVERYONE happy, a feat that is impossible according to any laws of logic that humans can understand.
Electrons can defy human laws of logic, so they are undoubtedly the solution to all dilemmas that humans can't solve.
Could you vote for the electron and not vote for him at the same time?
Maybe. But you could never count the votes-- it would change the result.
Comic #265
September 8 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If the St. Bernard is the mother, it's called a St. Berhuahua.
I'm pretty sure that Cathy's lying and there is no such dog breed. But hey, maybe someone will invent it by the time Cathy becomes a famous model.
(Rant follows. Beware.)
By the way, I've mentioned the possibility of a Chihuanard to three people. Each time, I said something like, "If you used in vitro fertilization and surrogate mothers, then you could actually make a crossbreed between a St. Bernard and a Chihuahua, with the Chihuahua being the mother."
And every time, the other person replied with some comment about how it would be very harmful to the Chihuahua... as if they thought I was saying the Chihuahua should give birth to the puppies. As if they hadn't even HEARD the part about in vitro fertilization and surrogate mothers!
After I repeated the beginning of the sentence, they understood it. But EVERY SINGLE ONE of them failed to pay attention to the beginning of the sentence the first time I said it.
This absolutely baffles me-- because even if you somehow managed to miss the beginning of the sentence, the sentence ENDS with, "...then you could actually make a crossbreed between a St. Bernard and a Chihuahua, with the Chihuahua being the mother." Which clearly shows that the speaker KNOWS it's ordinarily impossible to make such a crossbreed, AND that the beginning of the sentence states a way in which it could be possible.
So it is indescribably stupid to reply to that sentence by stating why such a crossbreed is ordinarily impossible. AND YET EVERYONE DOES IT. At least all three people I talked to did it. And they were not stupid people otherwise.
So apparently the idea of a Chihuanard, like the lost cell phone in strip #168, reveals a bug in the programming of the human brain. We should report it to the developers.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I become a famous model, the first thing I'm going to buy is a Chihuanard.
What the heck is that?
A crossbreed of St. Bernard and Chihuahua, with the Chihuahua being the mother.
That's impossible.
No it's not. But it's an incredibly expensive dog, because breeding them requires in vitro fertilization and surrogate mother dogs of a larger breed.
You are EXACTLY the type of person who would buy something utterly useless and ridiculously expensive for the sole purpose of impressing people.
Thank you.
Comic #266
September 9 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Also an anti-friends-asking-to-borrow-your-car device.
Hans is right, they have to be thicker if they are farther from your eyes. This is why contact lenses are thinner than glasses. A prescription windshield would have to be pretty dang thick, though.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How much would you have to change the shape of your eyeglasses in order for them to work if they were, like, a couple feet from your eyes?
I think the farther they are from your eyes, the thicker they have to be. Why?
I was just thinking, it would be awesome to have prescription windshields. So that you could drive a car without your glasses.
And nobody else but you could ever drive that car.
Exactly! It doubles as an anti-theft device.
Don't you have something better to do?
Comic #267
September 10 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: My husband asked me to make this strip. This one's for you, luv.
When Cathy is in a bad enough mood, she starts treating everyone like a bartender.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You seem to be in a bad mood today, Cathy.
Yes, I am. Now either mix me a drink or leave me alone.
Fine.
What's that?
It's a mixed drink.
It looks like water.
Yes. It's one part tap water, one part Evian and two parts Aquafina.
I hate you.
Comic #268
September 11 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think your cynical attitude is caused by dehydration. Drink up.
But Cathy, water is also a large percentage of the drinks you like!
TEXT OF COMIC:
You seem to be in an even worse mood now.
That's because you just made me a mixed drink that consists of three different kinds of water.
What's wrong with that?
I hate water.
Well, then you hate at least sixty-five per cent of your own body.
Hating your body is a natural part of being a human who's not a total weirdo.
Comic #269
September 12 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: When I get out on the right side of bed, I get squished flat against the wall.
I had this conversation with my husband. Sometimes I think Norma might be based partly on him.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I feel crappy today. I think I got out on the wrong side of bed.
You've given that excuse before.
I can't help it! The right side of my bed is up against a wall.
How do you know the right side is the right side and the left side is the wrong side?
Well, the saying about "getting out on the wrong side of bed" does date back to an ancient superstition that the left side of the bed was unlucky.
The left side from whose perspective?
I'm assuming it's from the perspective of someone lying in the bed.
But how can you know for sure?
Shut up.
Comic #270
September 15 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'd read it too.
If you ever doubt that people read the "oddly enough" type of news more than they read normal news, go to the BBC and take a look at the Most Read stories list.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I knew someone who took her kid to an amusement park where they decide what rides you can go on based on how tall you are. When they got there, her kid had to pay for a full adult ticket, because he was just slightly taller than the requisite height.
But by the middle of the day, his spine had settled a little, and then he was just slightly shorter than the adult height-- too short to be allowed on any of the fun rides. He'd had to pay for something they wouldn't give him.
I'd sue.
What could you sue for? All they lost was the price of an adult ticket, which was only about fifteen dollars.
You know, if I were really rich and bored, I'd love to sue someone for an amount like fifteen dollars. I mean, then nobody could say that I was a greedy liar who was doing it for the money-- because I'd actually be losing money when you took lawyer fees into consideration. I'd just be doing it to make a point.
And I would totally succeed in making my point, because the case would probably be widely publicized. And it would be in the "Oddly Enough" kind of news, which everyone reads a lot more than real news.
I dunno. I doubt it would ever get to that point-- it would be hard to keep the other guys from settling out of court with you.
"Millionaire park-goer sues for $15 over shrinking boy." Yup, I'd read that.
Comic #271
September 16 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This kind of idea comes from stocking too many Health & Beauty shelves.
Betting your butt would be a pretty dumb thing to do.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm so sleepy. When I went into your bathroom just now, I noticed your soap bottle said "Procter and Gamble" on it, except at first I thought it said "Proctologist and Gambler."
Do you think that means I've stayed up too late?
You bet your butt it does!
I would kill you for that joke, but I'm too tired.
Comic #272
September 17 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'Snow Crash' is a pretty good candidate, in my opinion.
When I was in junior high, I tried to write the Great American Novel, but I thought it just meant the greatest novel in America, so I wrote something that had nothing to do with America. I never finished it, it was so awful.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, what does "The Great American Novel" mean? I'm guessing it means more than just the greatest novel in America.
Yeah. The concept of "The Great American Novel" is basically a novel that embodies the essence of America better than any other novel.
People disagree on which novel that is, though. Some say it's "The Great Gatsby," some say it's "Huckleberry Finn," some say it's something else, some say it hasn't been written yet.
Personally, I think the essence of America is always changing, so the Great American Novel will always be changing too. Maybe it was "Huckleberry Finn" in one era and "The Great Gatsby" in another era, but no book will be the Great American Novel forever.
I think that for the past few years, "1984" has been the Great American Novel.
Oh, shut up. That wasn't even written in America.
Comic #273
September 18 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I had Linux on my laptop once, too. It's really not meant for laptops.
Prefixing words with "schm-" in order to ridicule them only works because English has very few words that actually begin that way.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I really like having a Mac instead of a PC.
Mac SCHMAC. Linux is the only way to go.
I had Linux on my old laptop for a while, and it was incredibly buggy.
Laptop SCHMAPTOP. Anything will be buggy on one of those.
I like having a laptop. It's a lot more convenient.
Convenient SCHMONVENIENT.
You're a schmo, Hans.
Schmo SCHM--
You suck.
Phllbbt.
Comic #274
September 19 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: My husband is more autistic than most men, and he wishes he didn't need a car.
Here Abby goes with her gender stereotypes again. There is a grain of truth in what she says, but it's far from applying to all people.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't understand why men think having a cool-looking car will attract women.
Women don't give a crap about cars! Some women want cars, but they only want them as a mode of transportation. Having a car may make a man somewhat more desirable as a boyfriend, but as long as the car works, women don't care how it looks or how much it cost.
Men think they're so practical and logical. But when it comes to cars, women are the logical ones, and men are the ones who just care about being pretty and fashionable. And they assume women will think like them.
I guess men just don't have very good theory of mind.
Being male is kind of a weird combination of being really autistic and being really neurotypical.
Comic #275
September 22 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Uh oh.
I've always thought it would be funny if the curse of Ham was actually his name, not his family's skin color.
Interestingly, though, the passages of the Bible that prohibit "uncovering the nakedness" of your relatives don't ever mention the nakedness of your daughter. Abby's mom must know that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, let me in.
Mom, I'm changing! If you come in and look at my nakedness, you'll be punished. God will change your skin color and name a non-kosher meat after you.
What are you doing outside my dorm, anyway?
I've come to stay for the holidays!
What? It's not even October yet!
By "the holidays," I mean Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's.
This dorm isn't even big enough for one person!
Comic #276
September 23 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Poor, poor Abby.
It's not the thought of a boyfriend that upsets Abby, but the thought of a boyfriend selected by her mother.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Go away, Mom. I didn't invite you to stay for the holidays. Do you want me to report you to the local authorities?
I'm not trespassing. This isn't your property. It's a college dorm, and I'M paying the rent on it.
That doesn't give you the right to move in for three months! What kind of mother expects her kid to play host to a long-term guest in a single-person dormitory?
A mother who can't stand the thought of her daughter being alone on Christmas. Or for the rest of her life, for that matter.
PLEASE don't tell me that means you're going to spend the next three months trying to find me a boyfriend.
Comic #277
September 24 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think it's the 'ends' part. On the end. Or maybe the F on the beginning?
Ron usually makes his palindromes fit better into the context, but this time he's trying hard to make a bad impression on Abby's mom.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's this?
It's a party, Mom. Just before you dropped in unannounced, I had invited my friends Norma, Hans and Ron over for dinner.
Oh, goody! You're finally meeting some boys!
What part of the word "friends" don't you understand?
Well, friends can fall in love and get married and give their parents some grandchildren, can't they?
It depends. Do you want grandchildren who will let you hug them? Because if Abby has kids, they've already got a high chance of being severely autistic-- and adding my genes to the mix would pretty much make it a certainty.
Well, what about you, Ron? What do you think about babies?
God! A diapery baby repaid a dog!
You sound like an even worse risk.
Comic #278
September 25 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Everyone here knows me. None of them like me.
Languages on my ideal planet don't have a word for "normal," Mom.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe this, Abby. One of your friends is playing a video game, one is watching Star Trek, and the other is sitting here with you having a conversation about what languages might be like on other planets. What kind of a party is this?
A nerd party. Live with it or leave.
It isn't normal! There's no dancing! There's no drinking!
So you're so desperate for grandchildren that you want to get me and my male friends drunk?
No, I want to get you some new friends!
Good luck finding any on this campus.
Comic #279
September 26 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Oooooh. Burrrn.
Abby's mom is not weird in the most obvious sense. She is weird in the sense that she takes normal behaviors to an extreme.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, this is Blake. He was voted Most Popular of his class in high school. He's an MVP on three different sports teams, he's active in extracurricular activities, he has over 50 friends at this college, and he's very experienced with girls. His genes will give you the best possible chance for normal babies.
I don't want normal babies! I don't want any babies! And I sure don't want to date HIM!
I don't want to date her either! Everyone knows she's a total weirdo!
Well... well, yeah, she is. But I'm not! And I need grandchildren!
Actually, I think you're weirder than her.
Comic #280
September 29 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Should have thought of that earlier.
Abby will not marry until she finds someone who makes her mother seriously want to vomit.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Where's Mom, Hans?
She went home.
What? She said she was visiting for the holidays! She said she'd be staying with me in my dorm until New Year's!
I took her on a tour of the campus. When we got to the residence office, I explained to the hall director what she was doing. He explained to her that it's a violation of the school's policy to have guests in a dorm for more than three consecutive nights, and the penalty is eviction from the dorm.
She decided that finding you a whole new social life wasn't worth having to find you an apartment off campus as well. She went home. You're saved.
I'd marry you, Hans, if it weren't for the fact that it might make my mom happy.
Thank goodness for that.
Comic #281
September 30 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'Amn't I' is less wrong than 'aren't I.' This is, um, etymologically proven.
It would be interesting to see what happened before this conversation. Unfortunately, this is where it started in my head.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What do you mean you think I take liberties with language rules? Who are you to talk? I'm the language major here, amn't I?
"Amn't"? What kind of contraction is that?
A contraction for "am not." Don't you think English needs one?
No! For one thing, nobody would ever say "I'm a language major, am not I?"
So? Nobody would ever say "You're a language major, are not you?" ...but we still have the phrase "aren't you?"
The correct phrasing, if you're not going to use a contraction, is "am I not" or "are you not." When you use a contraction, though, the word order gets a little switched, so that's what I was trying to do.
See, we need a contraction for "am not"-- because the only options we have now are "am I not," which sounds overly formal, and "aren't I," which is grammatically incorrect.
Well, saying "amn't I" makes you sound like someone who takes liberties with language rules.
I like to think of it not as breaking the rules, but as improving them.
Comic #282
October 1 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: She probably read my travel journal.
I suppose it's because they're supporting an economy that was set up by the foreigners who came and treated Montezuma like crap so many years ago.
And no, no pun intended with the "treated like crap" reference. I have more class than that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wish I could afford to study abroad in Spain for a semester.
Ugh, I would never do that. I read the blog of someone who studied in Spain. She said she had Montezuma's Revenge the whole time.
Montezuma's Revenge?
Traveler's diarrhea.
I know what Montezuma's Revenge is. But it's only called that if you get it when you're in Latin America. The idea is that Montezuma's ghost takes revenge on foreigners who come to his land, because he was treated like crap by foreigners who came to his land a long time ago.
So? Those foreigners were from Spain. Why wouldn't Montezuma take revenge on Spain too?
I'm sure he'd have a reason to take revenge on the natives of Spain. But why take revenge on people who visit Spain?
People who visit Spain are voluntarily helping Spain-- contributing to its economy. Natives of Spain can't help living there; it's not their fault. So he doesn't punish them.
So why does he punish people who visit Latin America? They're helping HIS economy.
Who knows. Ask Montezuma.
Comic #283
October 2 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The peanut-buttercup plant would probably not be edible.
Reese Witherspoon should do this, so that she can invent a Reese's Peanut-Buttercup.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So the cashier asked if I wanted a paper bag or a plastic bag-- when I had a mostly empty backpack on my shoulder, and all I was buying was a chocolate bar small enough to fit in my pocket!
Of course I didn't want a bag! In fact, I was just going to eat the chocolate bar right away-- which is the case 90% of the time when someone walks into a store and buys nothing but a chocolate bar.
Any cashier who asks a question like that should be fired, because he's obviously too stupid to have a job.
I don't know. That doesn't mean he's stupid-- it just means he said a stupid thing.
Well, smart people don't SAY stupid things.
Hey, guys! You know what? I'm going to go into a career in genetic engineering, just so I can make a hybrid between the peanut plant and the buttercup plant, and call it a "peanut-buttercup!"
Present company excepted, of course.
Comic #284
October 3 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes she is.
This is not based on any true story. I know of a couple actresses who could get in situations like this, however.
TEXT OF COMIC:
There are two articles here about some actress who just got arrested. One of them says she was arrested because she was walking on a public street "half naked," and the other says she was arrested because she was walking on a public street "partially naked."
That doesn't mean anything! I'm "partially naked" right now! My arms and face are naked! Everyone who isn't wearing a burqa is "partially naked"! And you're a lot more than "half naked" when you're wearing a bikini! "Partially naked" or "half naked" doesn't necessarily mean illegal!
Well, obviously they're assuming you'll know that if she got arrested, she must have been showing enough to be illegal.
But that's a ridiculous assumption! That's like if you reported on a cannibalism case and just said, "A man was arrested for eating meat," and you assumed everyone would know you meant cannibalism, because that's the only kind of "eating meat" that someone can get arrested for!
That comparison was... completely logical, and yet completely wrong.
Apparently I'm good at that.
Comic #285
October 6 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Campus security has its hands full with these two.
Cathy is up to her devious schemes again.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What seems to be the problem?
She is. She's stalking me!
I wouldn't stalk you for a million dollars. What are you smoking?
She followed me three blocks, all the way to my home!
I happened to walk behind you for the three blocks between the only cafeteria on campus and the only dorm building on campus.
I turned a corner, and then turned another corner, and then turned another corner, but she kept following me!
That was in the cafeteria building. We were going down the stairwell.
Comic #286
October 7 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: She was right, you know. Abby wouldn't have done it.
This was certainly a random little series of events.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So what was that about? You just made a blatant effort to get me unjustly in trouble with campus security.
Every time you get in trouble, it's a justified punishment. Even if it's not for the thing you actually got in trouble for.
Was this revenge for something? Are you still mad at me for wearing a gorilla suit to the high school prom?
Yes. But this was because you wouldn't write my sociology paper for me last week.
You didn't even ask me to!
That was because I knew you wouldn't!
Comic #287
October 8 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Sharks really don't get bone cancer, though.
Actually, it might work better, since eating a lot of fresh veggies is overall good for you.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know what makes me mad? People who eat shark cartilage because they think it will keep them from getting cancer.
They're like, "Durr, I don't want to get cancer, so I'm going to eat an endangered animal's connective tissues, because I've heard that sharks never get cancer, so if I EAT them, that MUST mean I will never get cancer either!"
The stupid thing is that sharks DO get cancer. It's just that we usually don't see it, because they die in the ocean and get eaten by other stuff before we can find them.
Anyway, I'm going to mow up all the dandelions in my mom's yard and sell them as a cancer preventative. Dandelions really DON'T get cancer, so I bet they'll sell a lot better.
Don't quit your day job just yet.
My advertisements will say, "A safe, humane, herbal alternative to shark cartilage. Guaranteed to work exactly as well."
Comic #288
October 9 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Also depends on my altitude and latitude.
Um, it's some kind of church thing, right? You should talk to Chrissy about it; I'm not really into that kind of stuff.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How much do you weigh, anyway?
Depends what planet I'm on.
When will you start giving meaningful answers to honest questions?
When you discover the concept of "mass."
Comic #289
October 10 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Spam does disobey the truth-in-advertising laws a lot more than other ads.
Well, it does delay your enjoyment of your real email if you don't have a decent spam protection system. And if you don't have the common sense to delete any email from an address you don't recognize that has nothing but "hello" in the subject line. (Yeah, a real person might write you an email like that, but they're so stupid they don't deserve your attention.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, email spam is actually one of the best forms of advertising, from the receiver's perspective.
Unlike paper junk mail, it doesn't kill trees or clutter up your house. You can dispose of it with the click of a button. Unlike radio and TV ads, it doesn't delay your enjoyment of something you want to experience-- not by any more than the seconds it takes to sort out spam from real mail.
Unlike billboards, it doesn't run the risk of causing traffic accidents if you read it. And unlike telemarketing, it doesn't cause interpersonal conflict, and you can decide at your leisure whether or not to buy what it's offering.
It's pretty much the next best kind of advertising after magazine and newspaper ads. Why does everyone hate it so much?
Because everyone is an idiot who's stupid enough to fall for all the scams it spreads.
Spam, spam, spam, spam! Lovely spaaaaam!
Comic #290
October 13 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Basically reverse the saying. What makes you stronger doesn't kill you.
A zombie angel ghost.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." What a strange saying.
Sure, it's true sometimes. Exercising doesn't kill you. Eating healthy food doesn't kill you. Those things make you stronger.
But what about getting leukemia? Or seeing your whole family being murdered? Or spending ten years in a concentration camp? Those things don't necessarily kill you-- but if you do survive, you're sure not going to come out of it bulging with muscles and able to lift a car.
It's possible that in some cases it may make you emotionally stronger, but it's a lot more likely to cause an emotional breakdown.
Really the saying just boils down to, "There are a few things that make you stronger, and those things don't kill you (which is obvious, since they make you stronger)."
Who knows. Maybe killing you makes you stronger than anything else.
Who would win in a fight-- an angel or a ghost or a zombie?
Comic #291
October 14 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Ear plugs only block out so much.
Abby underestimates how often she talks to people.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Which do you think would be worse-- going blind or going deaf?
Oh, I'd much rather go deaf.
Wouldn't it be hard to learn sign language, though?
I wouldn't learn sign language. I'd just continue living in my own world and not talking to anyone. Nothing would change.
The only difference would be that people COULDN'T interrupt me with their annoying voices. I could finally read in peace. It would be heaven.
Apparently I've chosen the wrong time to try and have a conversation with you.
Yes. Come back when I'm deaf.
Comic #292
October 15 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I like calling glasses 'seeing aids.'
There must be a fortune waiting to be made in the designing of fashionable hearing aids.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So what about you? Would you rather go blind or go deaf?
I guess I'd rather go deaf, too.
But only if you're talking about being COMPLETELY blind or COMPLETELY deaf. If you're just talking about having bad vision or bad hearing, I'd rather have bad vision.
If you have bad vision, you get glasses, and those come in all sorts of cool styles. But if you have bad hearing, you get a hearing aid, and those are no fun. Either they're ugly or you can't see them at all.
Hmm. Personally, I'd give almost anything for the ability to turn my hearing on and off at will.
Well, you're weird.
Comic #293
October 16 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I read this book in Spanish before I ever heard the related English foxhole quote.
The worst pastime ever.
"Okay, first we have to find a guy who's being swallowed by an anaconda."
"What about that guy?"
"Hmmm... No, he won't do. He's going in headfirst."
"This could take a while."
TEXT OF COMIC:
This author says, "In times of crisis there are no atheists." She's talking about how even people who don't believe in God will start praying when their lives are in danger.
Well, that's true... or at least mostly true.
But I don't see the point of saying it. It doesn't prove that there's a God, or that atheists are stupid. All it proves is that people who are desperate will try anything, even things that wouldn't ordinarily make sense to them.
I bet if you found a guy who was being swallowed by an anaconda, and you told him that the national anthem makes anacondas throw up, he'd start singing as if he were at the biggest baseball game in history. He can't help it. He's desperate.
Actually, we should try that sometime. It would be fun.
I'm not THAT desperate for entertainment.
Comic #294
October 17 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Set a rip, pirates!
This is one of the songs that always seem to turn into other songs when I try to sing them to myself:
Sailing, sailing, over the bounding main!
And pirate ships would lower their flags when Puff roared out his name!
(The other one is "Good King Wenceslas," which always turns into "Yankee Doodle" when I hum it. And my brother says that for him, "Somewhere over the Rainbow" turns into the Star Wars theme.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Yarr! We are vicious pirates, and we love to sail the open sea!
Yarr!
Seriously, though-- why do some people love the sea so much?
Maybe because people are mostly salt water.
Saline, saline, over the bounding sea! The sea is made of saline, and so are you and me!
Ha ha.
Comic #295
October 20 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually, most people who become pirates these days surf the web, not the sea.
If my last name were "Solution," I would have a kid just so I could name her "Celine."
If my last name were "Dion" and I had a kid, I might name her "Chlamy" or "Canay" or something, but I wouldn't go out of my way to have a kid just for that purpose.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you really think people love the sea because we're mostly salt water?
Well, it's the only explanation I can really think of.
But it doesn't really work, you know. ALL people are mostly salt water. So how come some people become sailors and pirates, and others become pop singers or something?
Saline, saline, over the sea we're on! The sea is made of saline, and so is Celine Dion!
Very funny, Sharon.
Comic #296
October 21 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Stapling will be called 'metallic bonding.'
Fake diamonds will be called "sham-rocks," and vegetarian pork substitute will be called "ham-mock."
TEXT OF COMIC:
I am going to start using common phrases in ways that they are never used, but which make perfect sense nevertheless.
For example, I am going to start calling clocks "time machines," which is perfectly logical since they are machines that measure time. And I am going to call sundials "solar-powered clocks."
Also, I'll call pharmacists "drug dealers," I'll call cardiac arrest a "broken heart," and I'll refer to giving birth as "releasing your inner child."
Ooh! And I'll also call zoetropes "paper-view movies."
THAT one was just a blatant pun.
Comic #297
October 22 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I suspect that many people tell lies like that. Wonder why no one talks about it.
People on the autism spectrum often look young for their age, in fact. My husband and I were both frequently mistaken for high schoolers when we were in college.
At my college, though, whether you were a "senior" depended not on how many years you'd been there, but on how many classes you'd taken. By my second year, I had taken enough classes to be a senior, so I was actually a senior for four of the five years I spent at college.
So maybe Abby really isn't as old as your average senior. That would also explain why she has been a senior for more than a year.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Some guy in art class wouldn't believe me today when I told him I was a senior. He thought I was a freshman until I showed him my student ID.
Well, you do look young for your age. You must take after your mom.
My mom?
Yeah. Your mom looks great for a 61-year-old.
Mom's only 49!
Huh. Last time she visited, she told me she was 61.
Mom lies about her age all the time.
She lies and says she's OLDER?
Yes. So that people will compliment her on looking great for her age.
You DO take after your mom. That is exactly the kind of sneaky thing you would do.
Comic #298
October 23 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Would be interesting to see to what degree it actually worked.
I hated DARE class, but I think that was because it was way back when DARE was getting kickbacks from the tobacco companies and refused to talk about the dangers of smoking. I kept mentioning it and they kept telling me to shut up.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think educating kids about drug abuse has backfired.
Everyone now thinks of "saying no to drugs" as a childish thing that they can all laugh at. Because they were taught about it when they were little kids, they think it's something for little kids and not for them.
Yeah, but couldn't the same be said of all morals? I mean, parents teach kids how to behave in all areas of life.
Well, maybe that's why everyone's such a jerk. When they were kids, they were taught to be nice, so they think being nice is for kids.
We should teach kids to be rude, destructive and immoral. Then when they grow up and rebel, they'll become kind and virtuous.
If only it worked that way.
Comic #299
October 24 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if you write the word 'crazy' enough times, it starts looking crazy
Actually, she's a little bit wrong there. Crazy people are often considered insane by other crazy people who happen to be crazy in a different way.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are some other synonyms for "normal," besides "neurotypical"?
"Ordinary." "Mundane." "Unexceptional." "Boring."
Wait-- "boring" isn't a synonym for "normal."
Yes it is. All normal people are boring, and all boring people are normal. It's as self-evidently true as saying that all crazy people are insane.
Abby, I agree with you, subjectively, that normal people are boring. But that's just our opinion. Normal people are only boring to people who aren't normal.
And what's your point? Crazy people are only insane to people who aren't crazy.
Well, I'll bow to you on that point, since you know more about being crazy than anyone I've ever met.
Comic #300
October 27 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby thinks she can judge normal people, because she knows way too many of them.
Have you ever tried having a conversation with a brain-dead person? It's like having a conversation with [insert person you don't like here].
TEXT OF COMIC:
I still don't agree with you that "boring" is a synonym for "normal," Abby. Maybe all normal people are boring-- but not all boring people are normal.
Brain-dead people, for instance, are not normal, but they are very, very boring.
Do you actually know any brain-dead people?
No, but--
THEN HOW CAN YOU JUDGE THEM LIKE THAT?
Comic #301
October 28 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: At you.
No, I'm an alligator that happens to have a tattoo of a kid's face on the back of my throat, to lure kids in.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know those Halloween animal costumes for kids, where instead of having eye holes there's just a huge mouth that the kid's whole face can look out of? Those crack me up.
I'm like, "What are you dressed up as? A kid who's getting swallowed by an alligator? What are you supposed to be, some giant puppy that's choking on an ugly little boy?"
Kids must love you.
Somehow I always manage to make them laugh.
Comic #302
October 29 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Of course, of course! Why not?
The fact that the costume will be Star-Trek-themed is a foregone conclusion.
TEXT OF COMIC:
There's a Halloween dance and party coming up! Take a look at this flyer!
I thought you didn't like dances.
Halloween dances are different. They're the only place at college where being weird is popular!
But the flyer says it isn't even on campus. The college rented some ballroom downtown.
It's only ten blocks! We can walk!
I suppose that for you, walking through ten blocks of public streets in a Star-Trek-themed costume is part of the fun.
Of course!
Comic #303
October 30 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Devils will see the result of their temptation of humans, and run away screaming.
Christmas, Easter and Halloween are all more Pagan than Christian, actually. But I celebrate them all, even though I'm not religious one way or another. I like the candy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you going to the Halloween party, Chrissy?
No. Halloween is an evil holiday. It celebrates Satan.
No it doesn't! Sure, it has some Pagan influences, but what's wrong with that? Christmas and Easter have them too.
Halloween began as All Hallows' Eve, the night before All Saints' Day. It was a night when people believed that devils and demons walked the earth.
But nobody celebrated that. They feared it. They dressed up as devils and demons, but that was to avoid being attacked by them.
So are you going to dress up as a devil?
Nah. I figure if there's anything that'll really scare devils away, it's a Klingon with Borg implants.
Comic #304
October 31 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Resistance is dishonorable.
I doubt what Norma is wearing is actually a science fiction costume. But Cathy doesn't know a science fiction costume from her own rear end.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, a Borg Klingon! I've never seen one of those before!
Neither had I. That's why I made the costume.
I figured, the Borg are supposed to consist of all species, and yet they all seem to look human. So I thought I'd throw in a Klingon for variety.
Well, I like it. Most of the costumes I've seen so far aren't nearly that creative.
What's Cathy wearing?
Eww, science fiction costumes. You're such boys. Real women use Halloween as an excuse to dress up as French maids.
Today is a good day to assimilate you.
Comic #305
November 3 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Well, at least Ron isn't looking out of the olive's mouth.
Small children are especially scared of PCs running Vista when they are mounted on bicycles.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So we dressed up as the scariest things we could think of. I'm a Borg Klingon, and Norma is a Marshmallow Peep.
Hmmm... you're still not as scary as Cathy in her French maid outfit.
What are you?
I'm a PC running Windows Vista.
Ooh, I'm trembling in fear.
And Ron, you're an...
Evil Olive!
I love it. I love it.
How'd you guys get here, anyway?
I rode my bike. Small children scattered in terror everywhere I went. It was great.
What about you, Ron? Did you take the bus or something?
Martini tram.
Cute. Ron. Cute.
Comic #306
November 4 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ...Tit...
The symbolism of bananas should not be discussed in public. A banana symbolizes a pickle, which symbolizes a hot dog, which is offensive to vegetarians.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Aw, how cute. Ron fell asleep with his head on your shoulder.
...Tao banana boat...
What do you suppose THAT means?
What do you think? It means that when Ron's asleep, he still talks in palindromes-- only weirder ones.
I wonder what Freud's Dream Interpretation would say about a guy who talks about bananas in his sleep.
I don't care. I wouldn't listen to anything Freud said. Freud's mind was so deep in the gutter that it eventually got lost down a sewer drain.
...Boob...
Hey! HEY!
Comic #307
November 5 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes. Spelled backwards it's still Q.
It has to have been someone who at least appeared female, judging by what he said.
TEXT OF COMIC:
That party last night was great.
So you and Ron are still friends?
What? Of course we are!
You didn't mind him snuggling up to your chest when he was asleep?
He was asleep! He couldn't help it! He was probably dreaming about some lady from Star Trek.
He didn't seem interested in any of the female characters except Ardra.
Well, maybe he was dreaming about her.
Or maybe it was Odo or Q, appearing in female form.
The $636 question: can "Q" be considered a palindromic name?
Comic #308
November 6 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: At least it wouldn't be a high school class reunion.
This strip is more autobiographical than most.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've been thinking about how I always tell the jocks and socialites that they're going to fail in life and I'm going to succeed because I study. But now I've started to question whether I should tell them that.
I mean, I really want to be an author, and I have no doubt I'll get published someday. But that's hardly ever enough to pay the bills. I'll need another job. And if I'm going to devote my mind to writing, I'll probably need a job that doesn't use much brainpower.
What if ten years from now I go to a class reunion, and I've been getting books published and giving speeches about my life and stuff, but I'm still getting my main income from stocking shelves?
And what if Cathy the cheerleader is there, and she's some kind of interior decorator or fashion designer or something, and she's married to a lawyer and has a huge mansion and five kids, and she calls me a failure?
How can I convince her that my success is better than hers, because I'm changing people's lives and she's just raking in money doing something useless?
And if I can't convince her, will I be able to come to terms with the idea that everyone defines success differently, and that I just have to be satisfied that I've succeeded by my definition, without needing other people to acknowledge it?
Umm... exactly why would YOU be going to a class reunion, Abby?
Oh. Good point.
Comic #309
November 7 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: When we rescued her, she didn't recognize us either.
She was a bit shaken, but not really stirred.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why were you so late to class today, Abby?
I forgot to set my alarm again.
You're hopeless.
Well, I don't know. Maybe my forgetfulness will save the day sometime.
Like when?
Like if we become spies.
Ladies and gentlemen, Agent Abby's heroism has saved our nation from disaster. She withstood three days of enemy torture without ever revealing the location of our secret base.
Because I'd FORGOTTEN it!
Comic #310
November 10 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A warning that someone ELSE may kill you. But with my blessing.
Hares finish last. Tortoises finish first. But not in the metaphorical dying sense, since the tortoise's life span far exceeds the hare's.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How come you're so mean all the time?
Because nice guys finish last.
We're not racing anyone, you know.
Duh. It's a metaphor for life.
Well, in life, finishing is DYING. So apparently you're saying that nice guys die last, and mean people like you infuriate the world so much that someone will probably kill you before you reach middle age.
Is that a death threat?
Nope, just a warning.
Comic #311
November 11 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: That's why your glasses are so dirty, Abby.
Maybe it would make sense if her head came off her neck before going up her butt.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You have the ugliest glasses I've ever seen, Abby. If you wore contacts, you might be halfway pretty.
I like glasses. They look scholarly.
Good Lord. You have literally got your head up your butt.
No, I do not literally have my head up my butt. If my head were literally up my butt, you couldn't SEE my glasses.
Yeah, except that you've got your head so far up your butt that it came back out your neck.
That doesn't even make sense. If my head were that far up my butt, then my neck and shoulders would be up my butt too. My head would have to come out through my abdomen somewhere.
I can't believe I'm having this conversation.
Hey, you started it.
Comic #312
November 12 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ...crappity feeeling, crappity day!
There's another bad mood song that I sing to the tune of "I Feel Pretty."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Crappity doo da, crappity ay.
Crap, crap, crap, what a crappy day.
Plenty of crap's been coming my way,
Crappity doo da, crappity ay.
Mr. Bluebird crapped on my shoulder.
I am so... unhappy!
Everything is really crappy!
Crappity doo da, crappity ay...
If you're having a bad day and you want sympathy, then don't complain in a way that makes people want to laugh at you.
Comic #313
November 13 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: What is the floor for? TO KEEP FOOD OFF THE DIRT
People who actually use all four of those levels of protection need to get a life.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are plates for?
To keep food off your placemat.
What are placemats for?
To keep food off the tablecloth.
What are tablecloths for?
To keep food off the table.
What are tables for?
To keep food off the floor.
You know, at least one of those steps could have been eliminated in order to make the process a little more efficient.
We need multiple redundant levels of protection between our food and the floor. It's for the sake of our own health and safety.
Comic #314
November 14 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: People who think high school was the best time of their lives: severe amnesia.
The Bill of Rights actually does apply to children in the sense that the government can't punish them for their choices regarding speech, religion, assembly and so on. But the government won't stop their parents from punishing them for those things, and children don't have the option of moving away from their parents, so their rights are in no way protected. Perhaps this is necessary, but it is still evidence that it sucks to be a kid.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Everyone's always saying that kids are happy and carefree, and everyone seems to wish they were kids again.
But I remember being a kid, and it sucked. When you're a kid, you're small and weak, you're clueless about the world, the Bill of Rights doesn't apply to you, and everyone's always ordering you around. Sure, you've got someone else paying for your food and lodging-- but so do slaves and prison inmates.
Kids complain about being kids a lot more than adults complain about being adults. So I guess the only explanation is that most people forget their childhood. I think most adults weren't actually as happy in childhood as they think they were.
And most kids won't be as happy in adulthood as they think they will be.
It's always greener on the other side, isn't it?
Comic #315
November 17 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: gee, thanks, that makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER
I guess Abby's just saying, childhood is no fun from the parent's perspective either. If the parent is Abby.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why don't you want to have children, Abby?
People should have to explain why they DO want to have children, Mom. After all, pregnancy and parenting are composed entirely of experiences that people normally do not like.
We don't like pain. We don't like nausea. We don't like being fat. We don't like losing control of our emotions. We don't like losing control of our bodily functions. We don't like having trouble walking, or depending on other people for help.
But put all those things together and you get pregnancy, and all of a sudden it's okay.
Nobody LIKES pregnancy, Abby. We put up with pregnancy because it results in having a child!
But the same goes for raising kids. We don't like having to clean up after other people, or having to pay for other people's food. We don't like being kept awake at night. We don't like dealing with people who don't know anything and have to have everything explained to them.
We INSULT people by saying they act like kids. We would absolutely refuse to live with a spouse or roommate who acted the same way a kid acts. But when it's an actual kid, suddenly the cluelessness is cute, and explaining everything to them is a heartwarming and magical experience. It makes no sense.
I guess the only way nature can get around our inherent dislike of all individual aspects of reproduction is to fill us with primitive instincts that go against all logical reasoning, but are too strong to resist. And if a few people are actually free of those instincts, everyone else calls them cold and inhuman.
That's what I was asking. WHY don't you have those primitive instincts?
I'm a mutant. I'm a genetic mistake. Don't worry, I won't pass my flaw on to future generations.
Comic #316
November 18 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It's a bee because bees stick their faces in flowers, Abby.
I want the Nasonex bee to fly down from the Banana Boat leaf and sting the Target dog in the eye, whereupon the Target dog pulls down the Coppertone girl's pants. It would be a huge advertising party.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why is the mascot of Nasonex a bee? That never made sense to me. Bees don't get nasal allergies.
Well, maybe that's why it's a bee. If you're looking for a nasal allergy treatment, you'll want to be thinking about NOT getting nasal allergies, not about getting them.
But in the commercials, the bee does get allergies.
Well, it's not as bad as Banana Boat sun lotion. Their mascot is a leaf.
That's not really a mascot, it's more just a logo.
But still-- why is it a leaf?
Who knows? Why is Coppertone's mascot a topless underage girl showing her butt crack?
Because a topless girl would NEED sun lotion. But a leaf wouldn't.
And what's the deal with Target's mascot being a dog with a target painted over his eye? I always expect someone to shoot that guy in the face with an arrow.
Ouch.
Comic #317
November 19 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: in the dictionary under 'cool,' there's Abby's picture with an X over it.
She's got a point.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why don't you wear designer clothes?
Define "designer clothes."
Clothes designed by a designer.
Define "a designer."
Someone who designs clothes. Duh.
Well, by those definitions ALL clothes are designer clothes.
You are SO not cool.
Define "cool."
"Not you."
Comic #318
November 20 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Notice how Norma actually makes worse puns than Abby.
There is no real proof, and there is also no real faith. Both religious belief and scientific belief are based on imperfect evidence. (I mean, if you didn't need any reason to believe, then you would believe all religions at once, and that wouldn't work.)
Not saying all religious beliefs and all scientific beliefs are equally valid, though. Bad reasoning from evidence leads to stupid beliefs, whether religious or scientific.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I told Chrissy that blind faith is stupid, and she said we can't prove anything in the world, and so everything we believe is accepted on faith.
But that's not really the way it works. Everything we believe is accepted on evidence, including religious beliefs. None of it is absolute proof, but it's all evidence of some kind.
Maybe Chrissy believes in the Bible because she's heard stories of miracles to back it up. Or maybe she believes it because she agrees with its moral teachings, so she figures it makes logical sense that God would think that way. Or maybe she believes it because her parents believe it and she trusts her parents.
Those things are reasoning, not blind faith. They aren't always great evidence, but they are forms of evidence.
Same with scientific beliefs. We believe them because we've seen studies that back them up, or because they make logical sense to us, or because someone we trust says they're true.
I mean, yeah, sure, there's no real proof. You can't even prove beyond a doubt whether gnomes and fairies exist. If you've never seen a gnome, maybe they're just really well hidden. If you have seen a gnome, maybe you were hallucinating.
But it's not just faith. You can use evidence and reasoning to deduce the answer you consider most likely, even if you can't have absolute knowledge.
So you're an a-gnome-stic.
Any God that exists is now going to send you to the worst afterlife possible.
Comic #319
November 21 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby is just getting back at Norma for last strip's pun.
A tick couldn't really be related to a moth, though. Ticks are arachnids and moths are insects.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Look at this picture.
Wow, that is a really big bug.
It's a Luna moth.
Does it sting? Does it suck blood?
No.
But it has a relative that sucks blood. It's called a Luna tick.
You suck even worse.
Comic #320
November 24 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A novel alternative to the pulled chair.
I watched Hook right before writing this comic. I think I was in a bit of a silly mood.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I watched "Hook" last night. It's an old movie, but it's really good.
In fact, I think the success of "Hook" is the reason why there have been a bunch of other Peter-Pan-themed movies since then.
Just because they were after "Hook" doesn't mean they were because of it. That's a "post Hook ergo propter Hook" fallacy.
(a giant hook comes from offstage and pulls Abby away)
Thanks, Hans.
Comic #321
November 25 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I agree with Abby about balance-- but like her, I have trouble maintaining it.
It's all too easy to spend too much time dwelling on past mistakes or obsessing about whether the future will be okay. After all, the past and the future are both infinitely bigger than the present. The past goes all the way back to the beginning of the universe, and the future goes all the way to the end of the universe, while the present consists of no time at all-- it is to the dimension of time as a plane is to a solid object, as a line is to a plane, or as a point is to a line.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't think it's a good idea to live in the past, the present or the future. I think it's best to maintain a balance among all three.
Pay enough attention to the past that you can learn from it, pay enough attention to the future that you can prepare for it, and pay enough attention to the present that you can enjoy it. That's how I try to live.
People can say that only the present matters-- but the fact is, the past was once the present, and the future will be the present, so they're all important in their own way.
Abby, all I was saying was that you don't have to spend this weekend doing all your homework for the next three months.
I can't help it. I have very vivid and unpleasant memories of all the times I've missed homework assignments since childhood.
Comic #322
November 26 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Also to people on internet message boards.
I think the way to get illegal Mexican immigrants to go home is to get the big American companies out of Mexico, or at least make them stop dominating the job market there with sucky factory jobs that don't pay enough to live on.
But that would, of course, mean that American citizens would have to start doing the jobs that illegal immigrants had been doing. Which is not necessarily any worse than illegal immigrants having to do them, since they are horrible jobs for any human being to have to do. Perhaps robots are the ultimate solution.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've noticed that there's often a point in an argument where each side can call the other a hypocrite, and whoever says it first will gain the upper hand.
Imagine an argument between a Democrat and a Republican. The Republican says, "We've got to get rid of the illegal immigrants. They're taking away American jobs." The Democrat says, "You don't really think anyone's going to give YOUR job to an illegal immigrant."
Then the Republican says, "I'm not talking about MY job, I'm talking about the jobs of the poor working class." And the Democrat says, "This is the first time you've ever shown concern for the poor working class, you rich greedy conservative."
The Democrat won by making it look as if the Republican only cared about the poor when it was convenient for him. He won by saying the hypocrite line first.
But suppose that after the Democrat said, "You don't really think anyone's going to give YOUR job to an illegal immigrant," the Republican answered, "I'm talking about the jobs of the poor working class. I thought you were always concerned about the poor working class, you bleeding-heart liberal."
In that case, the Republican beat him to the hypocrite line, and so the Republican won by making it look as if the Democrat only cared about the poor when it was convenient for him.
But they're both avoiding the point. The argument isn't about whether either of them is a hypocrite. Neither one of them actually went any further in addressing the question of whether immigrants really take away jobs. They just attacked each other.
That's the beauty of ad hominem arguments. You can win and make your opponent look bad without even making any meaningful statement.
I can see why that appeals to politicians.
Comic #323
November 27 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: a REALLY FREAKIN BIG dead bird.
I truly believe that thing about the cookies really is inherent knowledge born into children. It's probably based on the instinct to eat whatever has the most calories so that you can have as much energy as possible in order to survive.
Not really necessary in present society, but it explains a lot. Including why Sharon and Karen prefer pumpkin pie over turkey.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This Thanksgiving, Sharon and I would like to say that we are thankful to Abby for being such an awesome cousin.
She taught us what a Rubik's cube is. She taught us that the tooth fairy will steal all our teeth if we sleep with the pillow on top of our heads.
She taught us that for any kind of creme sandwich cookie, the creme filling is the actual product, and the cookies can be considered part of the packaging and thrown away.
I didn't teach you that. That's inherent knowledge born into every child.
Oh, and she taught us that the Thanksgiving turkey is really a DEAD BIRD. So we'll be eating nothing but pumpkin pie tonight.
We'll need seconds. And thirds.
Comic #324
November 28 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or maybe 'He saw that it was well'?
Of course, the Bible starting sentences with conjunctions is just a translation error-- but then, so are a lot of Biblical laws.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Where's Chrissy? I haven't seen her in a while.
She's taking a break from school to do some serious soul-searching. She's not sure college is for her.
Huh? Why?
Because it's against her religion. She realized that college is basically an attempt to prepare for prosperity in the future.
See, Jesus specifically said that's a bad thing to do. He said you should give away everything you own and wander the world homeless and jobless, relying on God to feed and clothe you like the lilies of the field.
Chrissy and her religious beliefs. Next she'll be saying we should all start sentences with conjunctions just because the Bible does it.
"And the Lord said, 'Let all the grammar rules be changed.' And lo, they were changed. And He saw that it was good."
Comic #325
December 1 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: People named Tory probably didn't exist in that era.
This is the kind of thing I did in grade school. Teachers either loved me or hated me.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Sharon, can you use the word "territory" in a sentence?
Ooh! Ooh! Can it be a sentence about the American Revolution?
Um... sure, that sounds like a good context for that word. Go ahead.
"Supporters of the Revolution would often get together and territory limb from limb."
You're giving me flashbacks to when your cousin Abby was in my class sixteen years ago.
Comic #326
December 2 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: My name is so long that my nametag could be a novel, except it's not fictional.
Just like Cathy to walk out of the stockroom and tell Abby to go back there and get her name tag, instead of just bringing it to her.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Abby, go get your employee name tag. You left it on the romance novel shelf in the back stockroom. That shelf has a sign on it saying "Romance novels only," and your name tag isn't a frickin' romance novel.
Well, actually, that sign means "No NOVELS other than romance novels are allowed on this shelf." It's not referring to objects other than novels.
It's kind of like the sign on the front door that says "Only service animals are allowed in the building." Obviously there are plenty of things allowed in the building that aren't service animals-- but no ANIMALS other than service animals can come in here.
By the same token, as long as my name tag is not any kind of novel, it can stay on that shelf.
You know that's the stupidest excuse ever, right?
Yeah. But I don't like having to wear a name tag.
Comic #327
December 3 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If everyone wrote only what they knew, all books would be autobiographies.
In essence, all fictional books are examples of people writing what they don't know, since the specific situation in the story does not really exist and therefore cannot be known (unless the author based it detail-for-detail on a real experience, in which case it is not really a fictional book).
TEXT OF COMIC:
They say "Write what you know."
So how can people write science fiction and fantasy? How can anyone know a world that isn't even real?
"Either write what you know, or write what doesn't exist, so nobody else can say they know it better than you."
That's more like it.
Comic #328
December 4 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It wouldn't be interesting. It would probably be BORing.
Actually, Hans is probably the only person in the world who COULD find a movie about boron interesting.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Hans, do you want to hang out with Norma and me and watch the movie "The Fifth Element"?
No. A movie about boron couldn't possibly be very interesting.
It's not about boron, Hans. They're not talking about elements on the Periodic Table.
Well, if "the fifth element" doesn't refer to boron in the movie, then I'm still not watching it, because it's scientifically inaccurate.
You're hard to please.
Not really. All you have to do is leave me alone with my Linux machine.
Comic #329
December 5 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The reason Abby and Norma both know of this study is that it won an Ig Nobel.
I actually agree with Abby about adults lying more on that study. Society's expectation is already that adolescents will pick their noses more, so adolescents have nothing to lose by admitting to picking their noses. Adults, on the other hand, are so strongly conditioned to hide nose-picking that many of them won't even admit it to themselves, let alone on a survey (regardless of anonymity).
TEXT OF COMIC:
I read about a study that showed that adolescents pick their noses more than adults.
I read that study too. But it wasn't based on observation. It was an anonymous survey. I think all it proved was that adolescents are more honest about whether they pick their noses.
You think the adults lied on the anonymous survey?
I think a lot of people lie on anonymous surveys.
Why would they do that?
Maybe they doubt it's really anonymous. Or maybe they want to skew the results in their favor. Or maybe they won't even admit the truth to themselves.
How could you do a study to confirm whether people really do that?
Well, you sure couldn't do it with an anonymous survey.
It would depend. If the people taking your survey didn't admit to having lied on previous surveys, that wouldn't tell you anything. But if they admitted it, then it would most likely be true.
But what are the chances of that?
Comic #330
December 8 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I guess you might have to make the anonymous survey pseudo-anonymous.
However, there is a risk that the volunteers might suspect the presence of hidden cameras in a behavioral study.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, I have an idea how to do a study to find out if people lie on anonymous surveys.
You could ask the volunteers to spend a week in your testing facility, doing tasks like drawing pictures in response to phrases, and arranging objects in the most logical order. You'd tell them it was a behavioral study, but you wouldn't say any more.
For some of the activities, they'd be with other people, and for others they'd be alone. And all the rooms would have hidden cameras. Even the bathrooms.
Then at the end of the week you'd tell them that the study also included an anonymous survey about behavior, and you'd give them one. Most of the questions would be irrelevant, but there would be some like, "Do you ever pick your nose?" or "Do you always wash your hands after going to the bathroom?"
Then you'd review both the surveys and the camera records. If only ten people admitted to picking their noses, but twenty people actually picked their noses on camera when they thought they weren't being watched, then you'd know people lied.
But if there were no discrepancy between the survey results and the camera records, that wouldn't prove people didn't lie. It would just show that the people who didn't admit to picking their noses refrained from doing it during the study. Or at least that a similar number of people did.
You'd repeat the study until you got a result.
Comic #331
December 9 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the only reason I got this idea is because the word 'skew' is in strip 329
Cathy doesn't really care if the SKU is crooked; she's just on a power trip.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, the SKU on that book is crooked.
What?
The SKU. You know, the UPC label. The bar code sticker. You put it on crooked. Fix it.
You know, I could make a pun about that. Something about "a SKU" being "askew."
Only if you wanted to die a horrible death.
Comic #332
December 10 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Or maybe she wasn't calling it stupid, and was just saying it's a happy song.
I love it how the literal meaning of a word sometimes isn't what people think it is. Like if you say, "That's so gay. LITERALLY!" people think you are saying there is a same-sex relationship involved. But really that meaning is figurative too, and the literal meaning is just "happy."
Oh, and also "screwed." I love to talk about the time my husband broke his leg. I say, "He fell down when we were hiking in the middle of nowhere. He was literally screwed." And everyone's like, "LITERALLY screwed? You mean you and he, like, got it on while you were waiting for the ambulance?" And I'm like, "No, that meaning of 'screwed' isn't literal. I mean when he got to the hospital, they did an operation to put screws in his leg bones!" And everyone's like, "Screw you, Erika."
Okay, that conversation never really happened in real life. But it happened in my head. So there.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Always look on the bright side of life!
That song is so gay.
I can't believe you just used "gay" as a synonym for "stupid".
I did it because "gay" literally means "happy." It was THAT meaning that I was using as a synonym for "stupid."
Because anyone who is happy in a world like this is undoubtedly an idiot.
I will not tolerate your hate speech against people who aren't as cynical as you.
Comic #333
December 11 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Optimists never save the world. They just deny that it's in danger.
I like Garak's take on the story of the Boy who Cried Wolf. The moral isn't that you shouldn't lie... it's that you shouldn't tell the same lie twice.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Want to get together and study for Professor Michaelson's class?
No thanks. I already studied all the chapters he assigned.
Actually, I was thinking we could get ahead in the book. You never know when he might give us a pop quiz on chapter nine or ten.
Forget it. He's not gonna test us on a chapter he hasn't even told us to read.
He might. Remember when you said Professor Jenkins wasn't going to test us on chapter three, but she did?
Crap. I can't stand pessimists. You predict the worst every time, and you're only right one time in a thousand-- but after that thousandth time everyone has to take you seriously, no matter how ridiculous your fears are.
If the Boy who Cried Wolf had staged all his false alarms AFTER the time when there really was a wolf, he could have had a lot more fun.
Comic #334
December 12 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: He still might quiz you tomorrow. You never know.
There is also a universe where the time Abby spent studying caused her to miss a social event where she would have won a million dollars, met the love of her life, and made connections that allowed her to become a world-famous author.
TEXT OF COMIC:
See? We didn't really have to spend all last night studying.
I told you Professor Michaelson would never quiz us on a chapter he hadn't assigned.
According to parallel universe theory, there's a universe somewhere where he did test us and you're kicking yourself for not studying.
That's only because parallel universe theory allows for the possibility of universes that don't follow this universe's laws of logic.
Comic #335
December 15 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The optipess, distant cousin of the octopus.
I should name my computer Schroedinger. It's a closed box, and the movement of electrons controls what happens inside it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Being a pessimist isn't all bad. If you always expect the worst, you can never be disappointed, and most of the time you're pleasantly surprised.
I wonder what it means when you can see the bright side of being a pessimist.
I'm an optipessimist!
You're in a quantum state between optimism and pessimism. Your glass isn't empty or full-- it's in a closed box, and the pitcher that pours into it is controlled by electrons.
Comic #336
December 16 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Might end up with frozen assets.
Given the size of her bowl of ice cream, that's about a 66% interest rate. Abby's quite a shark.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How can people borrow money? Isn't that like borrowing a Kleenex or borrowing a sandwich? I mean, if you actually use it, you can't give it back.
But you can give back an equal amount of money, if you can earn it later.
If you can earn it, then why do you need to borrow it?
Because maybe you need it right away, and you can't earn it that fast.
How do you know if you'll be able to earn it later?
You don't. That's why everybody's in debt.
I'd rather borrow sandwiches.
You can borrow my ice cream if you pay it back tomorrow with two scoops of interest.
Comic #337
December 17 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You know you're weird when your greatest fears include being normal.
No, Abby... only the rest of America.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you want a piece of candy?
Not if you touched it.
What's your problem?
I saw you in the ladies' room after class. You didn't wash your hands.
How could my hands get dirty from sitting on a toilet and peeing?
Didn't your mother ever teach you this stuff? When you used the toilet paper, your hands probably came in contact with some of the germs from the pee.
No they didn't. There were no germs. Pee is completely sterile.
I'm serious. Look it up. Germs can't grow in it. You know what the yellow color is? It's AMMONIA.
In fact, I think touching pee should be acceptable as an alternative to washing your hands.
Oh, good grief. But still-- maybe the last person who touched the flusher on that toilet hadn't engaged in such a sanitary activity.
Doesn't matter. I didn't flush. I never flush when all I did was pee. That's downright wasteful.
Can you please stop making statements that are both controversial and gross?
One of my greatest fears is that I'm actually normal and the rest of the world is obsessive-compulsive.
Comic #338
December 18 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Some people actually like getting scented candles. This baffles me.
Social obligations, commercialism and utilitarianism are all equally non-Christmassy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's wrong, Abby? Holiday depression?
Yeah. Christmas isn't about genuine feeling anymore-- it's about social expectations.
It's full of waste and pretense. People keep giving thoughtless gifts that nobody wants, like fruitcakes and figurines and scented candles, because society expects them to give gifts to people that they barely know and can't think of anything thoughtful for.
Gift-giving is no longer pleasurable for either the giver or the receiver. It's just a societal obligation that nobody enjoys.
What? How can you complain about thoughtless gifts? You love getting money and gift cards.
Those are thoughtless gifts that I can at least use. But scented candles are useless, and they don't even get you more than a couple dollars on eBay.
So you'd rather that Christmas were full of utilitarianism than full of social obligations.
Well, then at least it would accomplish something.
Comic #339
December 19 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: People like Hans are hard to shop for. I know some.
Cut to chair being pulled out from under Abby.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you want to come to the mall, Abby? We can look for the perfect gift for Hans.
I dunno. Hans only likes electronics, and he knows which ones he wants a lot better than we do. I think looking for a perfect gift for him would be a wild goose chase.
And you know what the old song says about wild goose chases.
I don't know any song about...
"Don't go chasing waterfowl!"
Comic #340
December 22 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I do that a lot-- ruining magical feelings with analysis. It sucks.
No, it just shows you that it isn't magic.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've been analyzing that magical emotion that one feels at Christmastime-- that glittery warmth that's brought on by the smell of evergreen trees, the taste of candy canes, and the sound of carols.
I've realized that, for me, that feeling is mainly nostalgia for when I used to get really excited about Christmas as a child.
And looking back on it, I realize that the main reason I used to get so excited about Christmas was because of candy and presents.
So the Christmas feeling is nothing more than nostalgia for a time when I was greedier. It doesn't seem so magical at all when I think about it that way.
Well, that'll teach you to analyze magic.
Yeah. I think analyzing magic always kills it.
Comic #341
December 23 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The elf story made a lot more sense when toys weren't commercially produced.
When Santa shops for Christmas presents, he buys so much that he gets stopped by security a lot.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, I noticed that some toys are advertised as "great stocking stuffers." What's a "stocking stuffer?"
It's just what it sounds like. It's a small present that can be stuffed into a stocking for Christmas.
But Santa makes all the toys that he stuffs into stockings. He doesn't buy them at stores. He has his elves make them at the North Pole. At least that's what my mom says.
Oh, come on. Last year you got a Pokemon keychain in your stocking. You really think Santa would commit trademark infringement?
I guess I hadn't thought of that.
Comic #342
December 24 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes, Sharon-- sometimes they are.
Santa is not only the biggest conspiracy in human history (going by the number of people involved in it)-- but also the most pointless. Go figure.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think there isn't any Santa. I think everyone is lying to us.
What? That's gotta be the most ridiculously elaborate conspiracy theory in the history of conspiracy theories.
Think of the culture built around this. Think of all the Christmas songs. Think of all the nationally popular books and movies about people who didn't believe in Santa and were proven wrong.
If there really isn't a Santa, then all those books and movies are lies, the guy in the Santa suit at the mall is an impostor, and all our parents are getting up in the middle of the night to fill our stockings themselves.
A conspiracy just can't work on that level! You can't hide a secret from half of the population when the entire other half is in on it!
Plus, there's no motive! What do they have to hide? The fact that they're giving us presents? Who creates a nationwide, multi-billion-dollar cover-up story for something that nobody has any reason to keep secret?
In short, you're about five times worse than those people who think the moon landing was faked.
SOMETIMES CONSPIRACIES ARE REAL!!
Comic #343
December 25 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Awwwww.
Oh, joy, a Christmas card from my grandson! "Love you," and then an X and... what's this, a sideways eight? Oh-- I guess it's an infinity. That's sweet. Hans, I wish I knew you.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, I got a Christmas card from my grandma!
What? Do you even know your grandma?
No! You know my parents always tried to keep me as isolated as possible. Whenever I got a letter, they threw it away. But apparently now that I'm living at college, I can get mail!
What does it say?
"Merry Christmas From Grandma. Love you times zero times zero times zero times zero times zero."
Hmm. She must not love me very much.
Those are X's and O's, Hans.
Comic #344
December 26 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it took me-- er, them-- 44 strips to notice?
If the Great American Novel begins with "It was a dark and stormy night," I'm not going to believe it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, did you notice? A while ago we made our 300th strip.
Wow. 300 strips of "Abby and Norma."
300 strips of... doing stuff.
Like the time we bought all the copies of "The Physics of Star Trek" in the bookstore, put the dust jackets on blank journals, and snuck into the store and put them back on the shelves.
"The Physics of Star Trek" is one of many titles that should be on blank books.
Or the time we traveled to a parallel universe where everything was exactly like this one.
I felt somewhat cheated.
How about the time I wrote the Unified Field Equation?
Or the time I wrote the Great American Novel?
Or the time I wrote the Unified Field Equation and it also turned out to be the Great American Novel.
That was a long equation.
Yeah. Funny how all the variables lined up, though.
"I(t)-wa+s[a]/d{ark}*a^nd-(sto[rm]y)n-(i/gh)t..."
My Unified Field Equation didn't have that many variables. But when I solved it for X, I always got 42. That was pretty cool.
X was 42 regardless of what the other variables were? Then why did you even call it X?
Uuhh...
My personal favorite was the time we did the Schroedinger's Cathy experiment.
I dunno. Cathy doesn't seem to have gained any wisdom from the experience of being simultaneously dead and alive.
I liked her better dead.
I liked her better when she was in the box.
She could actually think then. She can't think outside the box.
That pun was crap. It belongs in a cat box of a different kind.
Remember last month when I traveled back in time and killed my grandfather?
Yeah. I never figured out how you continued existing.
Because I only traveled back in time a week. I mean, it would have been downright cruel to kill him before he could have kids.
How about the time when we sat down and made up a bunch of crap that we never actually did?
Yeah. That was just now.
And wasn't it fun?
Comic #345
December 29 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Still, they could've thought of metaphorical foods that were a bit more different.
I don't really like the concept of "comedy" as a genre, because it overlaps with so many other genres. Something can be romantic comedy, or science fiction comedy, or fantasy comedy, or comedy plus pretty much any genre except tragedy. So I don't think comedy really is a genre in itself.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Which show do you like better, "Monty Python's Flying Circus" or "Stargate"?
Those are completely different genres. It's like apples and oranges.
I wonder why we use the phrase "apples and oranges" for things that can't be compared. Apples and oranges are actually pretty similar in a lot of ways.
I don't think it means comparing apples and oranges as categories. I think it means comparing them individually--like saying, "Is this apple better than that orange?"
But why wouldn't that make sense?
Because the quality of an apple and the quality of an orange are measured by different criteria. For instance, apples are supposed to be crisp and oranges are supposed to be juicy. And it makes no sense to say, "Which is greater, the juiciness of this orange or the crispness of that apple?"
It would be like saying, "Which is greater, the hardness of a diamond or the weight of a cubic foot of lead?" You can't answer that, because hardness and weight are measured in different units.
And so are the qualities that define a good science fiction show and the qualities that define a good... uh...
What genre IS "Monty Python's Flying Circus," anyway?
Comic #346
December 30 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The leather wasn't fake, so Hollywood should be suede.
I don't care what the disclaimer says-- Galaxy Quest's spoof on the fans and actors of Star Trek was not an accident. I laughed out loud when I saw that. It was totally worth sitting through the credits.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder what it means when they say "No animals were harmed in the making of this film."
I mean, how far does it go? Does it mean that any meat shown in the movie was fake meat? And any leather in the movie was fake leather?
I don't think it goes that far. I think it just means no animals were harmed in the scenes, while they were filming.
So they made sure no actor ever stepped on a bug while the camera was rolling?
Stepping on bugs doesn't count. It's talking about animals being harmed on camera where you can see them. It's just saying that if there's a scene where someone beats up a puppy, it was done with special effects. That's all.
But what if there isn't a scene like that in the movie? Then it would be ridiculous to assume that's what the disclaimer meant, because nobody would ever say something that obvious.
I think that if there are no visible animal-hurting scenes in the film, then that disclaimer is implicitly stating that all the hamburger-eating scenes were done with veggie burgers, and if that's not the case, then the disclaimer is lying and Hollywood should be sued.
You always jump to the conclusion that someone in the movie industry is lying to you.
Ever since the disclaimer at the end of Galaxy Quest said "Any resemblance to actual persons is coincidental."
Comic #347
December 31 2008
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Oh, let's not reopen the font discussion.
A slightly different process from pulling a chair out from under her.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow. New Year's Eve.
The sands of time keep flowing, huh.
Or maybe that should be "the Sans of Times."
Was that a font joke? Because if it was, you need to be pushed out from on top of your chair.